Clash at Demonhead

Graphics: They're bold and dynamic and somebody clearly put a lot of effort into them, but for some reason that totally has nothing to do with my hideous drug addiction, something seems slightly off. It's not that I don't like them; while not lacking in charm, there's just something missing in the finesse department, much like this:

So at the very least, they're barely worthy of sticking on a refrigerator.

Enemies: Remember those adorable little tykes in the elementary school in Silent Hill that ran up to you and stabbed you with cute baby-sized knives? Of course you don't, you were too busy trying to figure out how in I'd be a rock 'n' rollin' bitch for you any day, David.Samael's name to stop crashing into desks. If Silent Hill broadcasted a children's TV show for the cuties at their elementary school, I'm pretty sure its characters would have same mix of charming and terrifying as Demonhead's baddies. Do you like enemy soldiers with ping-pong ball-like eyes leaking out of their heads? What about whatever the Christ this is? I sure fucking hope so, because everything in Demonhead and its common law life partner enjoys superior mobility to you. Yay for death!

Fun: For all intensive purposes, Clash at Demonhead really should have been fun. Bright colors, diverse enemies, flexible gameplay and a complex shop system. But stuff is just a bit off. Maybe it's that a lot of it comes down to memorizing enemy movements, or that you jump in a fucking parabola and can't make it over a tiny gap. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm sick of being tiny blipping guys with guns.

Defining moment: Remember when it used to be annoying to die by falling down a pit? Well Demonhead thought taking one whole life away was way too mean for such a small misstep! Instead, you fall down a long shaft leading to a personal hell of clusterfuckery! And if you manage to make it out alive, you get to start the level over again!

In other words, it's even worse. GOOD JOB.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst). Incidentally, I lost my virginity to the author of that Sonic picture. Or I would have, if people who play video games were allowed to have sex.

– Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl