At a Glance: Due to the disorderly conduct presented in my previous reviews, I have decided to take the necessary steps to organize my shoddy behavior into something respectable. I am a representative of the fine SomethingAwful organization, and my lewd and often unprofessional behavior has made a significant decrease in chortles, chuckles, snickers, and a general loss of merriment in the recent company charts. Below you will finally find a more complete and professional Rom Pit review.
Platform: NES (Download Emulator here - 192k)
Download: Download ROM here - 64k
Section A-001, otherwise known as the "Game Plot": I am not old enough to understand the subtly of a character who uses a magic yellow bag to turn into whatever he wishes. People's first instincts are to assume it has something to do with drugs, but these people are communists. It's a view of how a child's imagination works in a time when child abuse was a staple of the American diet. [Please check the "Jokes" section for the appropriate joke, entitled "Monkeyshine Snickerfarm 4-D".]
As you begin, this old guy calls you and apparently has kidnapped your cat girlfriend. Obviously, you hop up and down in anger, with very few cell frames in between to emphasize your rage. The old guy says something that sounds vaguely like a come-on, then says "Click", but stays on the phone. Then, your magic bag floats to you from off-screen and you go out to get your girlfriend back. [For a proper joke, please refer to "Giggle Unit 2-b" for your appropriate joketil transaction.]
[Look to Hilarious Antic 3-C.]
Not only is the game timed, but you lose hearts every five seconds. That means that Felix, a cat, needs to drink milk or consume someone's heart every five seconds. Felix may not be addicted to drugs, but he can't go long without inserting white stuff into his body through any means necessary. This game was made in 1992 by Hudson, so I believe right now Felix is on the milk patch or hitting something a little less fierce like Go-gurt. I died more from lack of milk than anything the enemies could throw at me. My only true enemy during this game was calcium deficiency. [The jokes listed above are temporary jokes, due to be replaced by proper jokes. We have outsourced to cut costs. The following paragraph has been cut as well, due to protest by local organizations objecting to the encouragement of the abuse of cheeses contained within. It has been replaced by a very neutral paragraph about the history of paper.]
"Paper first comes from the Egyptian material called papyrus, which was made out of local plants. It was produced during the Civil War to combat the russians, or redcoats as they called them, from entering and keeping all the troops from getting laid. This was commonly referred to as "Stonewall Jackson". Further north, paper was called vellum and was made out of sheepskin. The process of getting this material was described by the ancient aztecs in a series of drawings showing them reaching up, snatching Lamb Chop off of Shari Lewis' hand, booting Hush Puppy to the side, and shaving it. Then you write on it."
Sign here for "Weapons", circle one: A B C D - As a creature of imagination, you cannot be expected to follow the rules of the rational world. If you want to fight a war, you use guns in this world. In the world of the imaginative brain, you fight with tanks. Your standard-issue balloon tossing tank, the kind they used in the war. The great Cartoon war fought in Toonopolis, where the Disneyians called in for extra backup from the commercial cartoons. This is where we lost the two Cinnamon Toast Crunch bakers. Can we have a moment of silence?
A B C D - Your weaponry changes and adapts to whatever environment you happen to be a part of, as well as increasing in strength as you devour more live, beating hearts. But perhaps Felix is growing too powerful, too fast. The first heart makes you feel good and powerful, like you could change from a guy who shoots punching gloves out of his bag into a cat with a top hat and shoots stars. But before long, you're in a downward spiral arms race culminating in you riding around inside a submarine shaped like your own head that shoots out [see Laughter Exchange 1-A].
All items beneath this title shall be hereby referred to as "Enemies":From bats to birds to little things with sombreros, almost no enemy is bigger than half your size. [Giggleronomics, Tim Snuckerdoodle, pg 14.]
The enemies, in and of themselves, are mostly harmless creatures that spend their time admiring the scenery until you do preemptive strikes with your balloon tank to make sure they don't get any ideas. But even then, the enemies almost shrug and smile as you blast them into little pieces, as if they felt they deserved their punishment. This only makes you want to hurt them more.
Approximate number of levels, in miles: 24 stages in all. Procedure demands that I insert a humorous comment on the previous number and how it relates to the market loss of my smiles for the rest of my life, or perhaps stray from a previous norm and make some sort of absurd remark involving such animals as beavers who possibly have made plans to build a beaveresque tower of Babel in the only way they know how, thus being forced to entitle their masterpiece "The God Dam." The usage of words that both mean a fixture for blocking the flow of water and also a curse word results in immediate giggle expulsion.
Exact number of bosses, in ounces: There are bosses at the end of every third stage. These bosses generally have a mild dislike for you which they register in standard procedure. They are so compelled with emotion that they casually toss things your way whenever they feel like it but have made it clear they do not want to hurt your feelings. The registered and prescreened feud between the villain and Felix mimics that of the commonly referred to "Golden Era", a time when thieves did not really burgle places but gently removed items from another's property with the intention of giving it back after a joyful chase. This is the same Golden Era that used hoses on the civil rights movement. Yep, look it up.
The Defining Moment, which refers to events of exceptional merit and can even be defined by such vernacular as "fuzziness": When I watched Felix rescue his feline girlfriend, the hearts that rose up above her head reminded me of my childhood sweetheart who had shown me the first ways of love in a basement which I still live in.
Laughter Exchange 1-A: jellyfish rockets.
Giggle Unit 2-B: This paragraph only contains two jokes, one being this sentence.
Hilarious Antic 3-C: From this point on you are given very little plot to describe to you what you should be doing. And that is how Felix operates, as opposed to the kids of the day who need their FAQs instead of learning their P's and Q's (Pacman and Q-bert). Did you know that, in the good old days, kids had to carry pixels all the way down from the house to the farm to even make a rocket? And don't even ask me what it took to level up.
Monkeyshine Snickerfarm 4-D: First you beat your kid with a bag, and he imagines that bag will transform into a car that will shoot your parents with flying "Bo"s.
Giggleronomics, Tim Snuckerdoodle, pg 14: Have you ever dreamed of driving into a federal midget reserve and mowing them all down with your balloon tank? If so, you just hit the jackpot.
Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Rom Pit is dedicated to reviewing the most bizarre and screwed up classic console games from the 1980's, the ones that made you wonder what kind of illegal substances the programmers were smoking when they worked on them. Strangely enough, the same illegal substances are often necessary to enjoy or make sense of most of these titles. No horrible Nintendo game is safe from the justice of the ROM Pit.