Sat, 11 Feb 2012 07:00:00 +0000 Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful. http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/index.php en-us radium@somethingawful.com webmaster@somethingawful.com http://i.somethingawful.com/core/sa_logo_144.png http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/index.php 144 42 jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/make-someone-cry.php Maybe if I wore a cape and ran around someone's living room they'd start weeping violently. Sat, 11 Feb 2012 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/make-someone-cry.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/for-the-cure.php From KFC breast cancer buckets to bullying small charities, Susan G. Komen has never been good. Thu, 02 Feb 2012 05:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/for-the-cure.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (DJ PI) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/chinatown-greenwich-village.php A simple cheating spouse case leads to murder and conspiracy in Greenwich Village for the Neo Hipster Detective. Thu, 22 Dec 2011 03:30:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/chinatown-greenwich-village.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/vhs-demonic-toys.php Blockbusters VHS section is deserted save a few ghosts. A headless lady drifts down a nearby aisle. Sat, 17 Dec 2011 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/vhs-demonic-toys.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/cain-foreign-policy.php The Cain Train is pulling into the foreign policy station with this comprehensive overview of the geopolitical situation from Herman Cain's campaign. Thu, 01 Dec 2011 05:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/cain-foreign-policy.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/dave-mustaine-wikipedia.php Wikipedia's guitarist Dave Mustaine joins the appeal for donations to keep Wikipedia running. Thu, 24 Nov 2011 05:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/dave-mustaine-wikipedia.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (29) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/urban-dictionary-29.php I Googled 29. I'll admit I was shocked. I know kids are into weird stuff; I was too in my day. My dad never understood it, but he accepted it. When you were born I said I'd do the same. Whether my son was gay, a communist, a rockabilly - I'd live with his choice. But THIS? It violates every rule I was raised by. I can't believe it's not outlawed! Sat, 19 Nov 2011 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/urban-dictionary-29.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/memoriam-obituary-rooney.php A selection of obituaries we neglected to publish in a timely fashion. Thu, 17 Nov 2011 05:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/memoriam-obituary-rooney.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/webcomic-thief.php Look, I said, putting my hand on his shoulder. Keep the fantasy characters, the orcs and wizards. But use a spaceship instead of a coffee shop. And instead of having them just hang out and talk about RPGs, make them detectives solving space crimes. Something behind his eyes flicked on. His face beamed like a sunburst gradient. Sat, 05 Nov 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/webcomic-thief.php andersonmcook@gmail.com (Anderson "ChrisFarley" Cook) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/goon-zine3.php LOOK, a special bonus edition of Goon zine for the scariest, Slenderman-iest day of them all! Mon, 31 Oct 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/goon-zine3.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/battlefield-statistics-origin.php We have turned the first 48 hours of Battlefield 3 usage stats into a handy graphic. Thu, 27 Oct 2011 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/battlefield-statistics-origin.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/steve-jobs-dead.php We briefly pay tribute to the departed Apple legend, Steve Jobs. Thu, 06 Oct 2011 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/steve-jobs-dead.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/new-fall-television.php Fall is upon us, and you know what that means. No, not a seasonal change accompanied by the fluttering of red and gold leaves through crisp air that compels you to snuggle up in a blanket and sip hot cocoa from the ear canal of a loved one. It means it's time to read a middling internet humorist's take on Fall's new shows. Fri, 30 Sep 2011 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/new-fall-television.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/delicious-last-meals.php These 5 delicious foods are the perfect finish to a miserable life. Scum like you don't deserve these meals, but you get them, because that's the sort of decent people we are. Thu, 22 Sep 2011 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/delicious-last-meals.php andersonmcook@gmail.com (Anderson "cf" Cook) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/eat-people-goblet.php Straight up, no lie, I will bite you up. I'm not even hungry, I'll just bite you anyway to prove a point. Drain that shit into this sick goblet and note the various flavors of your dumbass blood. Fri, 26 Aug 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/eat-people-goblet.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/duke-nukem-stripper.php This could happen to you! (You are one of the strippers in the background.) Fri, 19 Aug 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/duke-nukem-stripper.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/narnia-credit-rating.php Adding insult to USA downgrade injury, Narnia receives a top-tier credit rating from S&P. Thu, 18 Aug 2011 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/narnia-credit-rating.php wormmiller@gmail.com (Worm Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/smurfs-names.php We named our new baby Baby Smurf. But Baby Smurf won't be a baby forever. Or WILL HE? Is that how it works? Fri, 12 Aug 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/smurfs-names.php daryl.f.hall@gmail.com (Daryl "Fucking" Hall) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/paperboy-diaries.php I thought tornadoes were a lot bigger! I guess you dont need to worry too much about the tiny ones. Fri, 29 Jul 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/paperboy-diaries.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/cool-world-bakshi.php This place is so ugly. All the buildings are made of bones and feces. Maybe I'll go urban-exploring. Fri, 22 Jul 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/cool-world-bakshi.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/beat-heat-collapse.php ...as your sclerotic homeland collapses into poverty and unrest. Thu, 21 Jul 2011 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/beat-heat-collapse.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (DJ PI) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/maltese-falcon-hipster.php A Hipster Detective is hired by a gun-wielding racist fashion designer to track down a coveted frock coat. Thu, 14 Jul 2011 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/maltese-falcon-hipster.php andersonmcook@gmail.com (Anderson "cf" Cook) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/goon-zine2.php The printed word isn't dead. It just smells that way because it won't leave the damn basement and get a job. Fri, 01 Jul 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/goon-zine2.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/casey-anthony-trunk.php Just because you have a dead two-year-old locked in the trunk doesn't mean you stop having fun. Thu, 30 Jun 2011 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/casey-anthony-trunk.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/michael-richards-apology.php If you're reading this, and you're a six-legged deer, Michael Richards wants you to know he's sorry. Fri, 10 Jun 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/michael-richards-apology.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/campus-boulder-problem.php It's a stone-cold fact that 90% of boulder attacks are ambushes. Fri, 03 Jun 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/campus-boulder-problem.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (DJ PI) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/hipster-detective-macbook.php The city was seedy and dangerous, like a creamed sesame clam chowder at a bring-a-soup bar party. Thu, 26 May 2011 04:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/hipster-detective-macbook.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/macho-man-rip.php Macho Man Randy Savage passes from man into legend. Fri, 20 May 2011 13:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/macho-man-rip.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/rightfully-missed-connections.php Talked to you while browsing the manga section. Your opinions on Gunsmith Cats are insufferable. Would love to sit down and explain what "symbolism" and "character arc" really mean, just not when I'm immersed in the latest Excel Saga. Fri, 13 May 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/rightfully-missed-connections.php andersonmcook@gmail.com (Anderson "ChrisFarley" Cook) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/goon-zine.php It's like an online webzine, one that was lovingly handcrafted on recycled paper in a run of 6, then scanned onto a computer and uploaded onto a web site. Fri, 29 Apr 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/goon-zine.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/freddy-krueger-mayor.php Behind Mr. Krueger's winning smile and attractive campaign promises lurks a fortress of lies! Fri, 22 Apr 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/freddy-krueger-mayor.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/la-noire-rockstar.php Rockstar gave us a chance to sit down with a few cases from the upcoming L.A. Noire and explore the game's incredible facial motion capture system. Thu, 21 Apr 2011 04:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/la-noire-rockstar.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/michigan-union-busting.php Union busting in Michigan escalates with a plot to fake an assassination of the governor. Thu, 31 Mar 2011 04:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/michigan-union-busting.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/farpoint-black-history.php Paying homage to Will Smith et al. Fri, 25 Mar 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/farpoint-black-history.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/augmented-reality-apps.php Use your smart phone to change the way you see the world. Augmented reality apps available for download now! Thu, 24 Mar 2011 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/augmented-reality-apps.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/everyday-revenge-fantasies.php The girl who rejected your invitation to the prom is sitting in the break room at Waldenbooks Fri, 18 Mar 2011 01:30:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/everyday-revenge-fantasies.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/two-days-spring.php A misanthropic mercenary is hired to bust unions in Michigan. Thu, 17 Mar 2011 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/two-days-spring.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/codblops-statistics-blackops.php 24 hours of statistics collected from Call of Duty: Black Ops multiplayer are presented in a convenient graphical form. Thu, 10 Mar 2011 03:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/codblops-statistics-blackops.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/dalek-dr-who.php 49 effective ways to kill a Dalek, the scourge of the cosmos. Wed, 02 Mar 2011 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/dalek-dr-who.php kingcobweb@gmail.com (Jesse "kingcobweb" Mason) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/magic-gathering-trendwatch.php In the world of serious Magic the Gathering players, there's nothing worse than being out of touch! Fri, 25 Feb 2011 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/magic-gathering-trendwatch.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Magic Oracle Media) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/gaming-nixon-years.php Magic Oracle Media brings you the most up-to-date reviews of the most out-of-date games. This week we examine Hill Climb, Exidy's Old Time Basketball, and Haunted House and Chopper by Midway. Wed, 02 Feb 2011 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/gaming-nixon-years.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/fake-beef-taco.php Taco Bell responds to accusations of beef counterfeiting by revealing the breakdown of popular menu items. Thu, 27 Jan 2011 03:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/fake-beef-taco.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/requiem-fudgesicle.php You start just eating a few fudgesicles, and only at parties, but pretty soon youre selling them to support your habit. Robbing ice cream stands on the side. Im licking the last chocolate off the stick and wishing hed stop talking because its ruining my sugar buzz. Wed, 19 Jan 2011 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/requiem-fudgesicle.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/moon-farm-family.php Dad is injured in a rover accident, causing a confrontation that will change Moon Farm Family forever. Fri, 31 Dec 2010 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/moon-farm-family.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/gaming-sexism.php Video games have often been called sexist well, duh. Of course a lot of games inspire thoughts of sex. But are games guilty of sexism? Something Awful investigates. Wed, 29 Dec 2010 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/gaming-sexism.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/upcoming-google-products.php A preview of Googles amazing new product lineup. Incredible technology that will revolutionize how we waste time on the Internet! Wed, 01 Dec 2010 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/upcoming-google-products.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Something Awful Staff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/remembering-leslie-nielsen.php The Something Awful team remembers film actor Leslie Nielsen. Mon, 29 Nov 2010 12:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/remembering-leslie-nielsen.php mobute.sese.seko@gmail.com (Mobutu Sese Seko) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/emmys-2010-idiots.php ... Which is why I think so much about them. Fri, 03 Sep 2010 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/emmys-2010-idiots.php lowtax@somethingawful.com (Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/bad-company2-patch.php I've spent a majority of my free time cursing EA and Dice's lack of quality control in their latest bug-filled mess. A mere few minutes ago, I was forwarded an email from an anonymous tipster working at EA with the details on the upcoming patch! Wed, 16 Jun 2010 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/bad-company2-patch.php lowtax@somethingawful.com (Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/gears-war3-armor.php An exclusive, sneak peak into the exciting armor protecting the grizzled veterans in Gears of War 3! Wed, 09 Jun 2010 04:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/gears-war3-armor.php