Wed, 15 May 2013 06:00:00 +0000 Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds. http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/index.php en-us radium@somethingawful.com webmaster@somethingawful.com http://i.somethingawful.com/core/sa_logo_144.png http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/index.php 144 42 trillaphon@somethingawful.com (Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/ninja-vengeance.php Not the world's worst ninja movie, but definitely the world's worst movie ninja. Wed, 15 May 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/ninja-vengeance.php trillaphon@somethingawful.com (Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/hellgate.php An insufferable asshole stumbles across the spooky ghost town his dickhead friends happen to be telling ghost stories about and gets them all killed by being an idiot. Wed, 08 May 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/hellgate.php trillaphon@somethingawful.com (Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/eliminators-mandroid.php Quo Vadis? That's Italian. It means "We kick ass." Wed, 01 May 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/eliminators-mandroid.php trillaphon@somethingawful.com (Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/ninja-turf.php Bucket list item #22: backflip out of an El Camino into a kung-fu battle. Wed, 24 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/ninja-turf.php trillaphon@somethingawful.com (Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/elves-haggerty.php "Is everything alright?" "No, Willy, Grandpa's a Nazi." Wed, 17 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/elves-haggerty.php trillaphon@somethingawful.com (Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/recon-2020-caprini.php Your paintball-combat nightmares come true...in space! Wed, 03 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/recon-2020-caprini.php trillaphon@somethingawful.com (Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/order-black-eagle.php Egg-shaped nazis, secret-agent baboons, and papier-mache Hitlers, together at last Wed, 20 Mar 2013 02:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/order-black-eagle.php trillaphon@somethingawful.com (Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/cyberbully-abc-family.php A chilling tale of what happens when a teenage girl who looks like the platonic ideal of a Barbie doll is called "Lardo" by the Internet. Wed, 13 Mar 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/cyberbully-abc-family.php trillaphon@somethingawful.com (Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/starship-invasions-lee.php Christopher Lee headlines the worst alien-on-alien combat you'll ever see. Wed, 27 Feb 2013 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/starship-invasions-lee.php trillaphon@somethingawful.com (Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/deadfall-cage-sheen.php Nick Cage and Charlie Sheen team up to ruin the film noir genre forever. Wed, 20 Feb 2013 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/deadfall-cage-sheen.php trillaphon@somethingawful.com (Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/gangland-tiger-coolio.php If you want a picture of the future, imagine a fist punching a human face - forever. Wed, 13 Feb 2013 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/gangland-tiger-coolio.php trillaphon@somethingawful.com (Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/shapeshifter-1999-andrei.php So, there's a boy who becomes a dog. He's connected to the CIA, and then he becomes a bird. WHAT IS THIS, ANIMAL KINGDOM?!? Wed, 06 Feb 2013 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/shapeshifter-1999-andrei.php trillaphon@somethingawful.com (Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/killing-satan-lando.php Some actor from the Philippines has the courage to act out every man's fantasy scenario: Killing Satan with holy lasers! Wed, 30 Jan 2013 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/killing-satan-lando.php trillaphon@somethingawful.com (Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/dungeonmaster-ragewar-moll.php Seven directors, W.A.S.P. and Bull fucking Shannon team up to bring you the worst movie of the '80s! Wed, 23 Jan 2013 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/dungeonmaster-ragewar-moll.php raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/outlaw-prophet.php Aliens, Jesus, and bad special effects? Why, it's David Heavener's masterpiece "Outlaw Prophet!" Wed, 16 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/outlaw-prophet.php raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/one-eyed-monster.php When I heard there existed a horror movie about Ron Jeremy's dick going on a killing spree, I did not think it would be the best cinematic experience of my professional career! Thank you so much "One Eyed Monster" for showing me the light. Wed, 09 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/one-eyed-monster.php raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/not-quite-human.php "Not Quite Human" is a movie about a robot and not an underpaid teen actor because Mickey Mouse says it's a movie about a robot! Cool! Wed, 26 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/not-quite-human.php raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/rv-robin-williams.php Hey remember that 'RV' comedy movie they advertised back in '06 that you were almost interested in seeing because it had Robin Williams in it but then you realized it looked shitty so you didn't? Yeah you didn't miss much. Wed, 19 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/rv-robin-williams.php raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/beyond-loch-ness.php "Beyond Loch Ness" is a movie about the Loch Ness Monster terrorizing America. Fuck Scotland we're taking your shit. Wed, 12 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/beyond-loch-ness.php raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/surf-school-surfschool.php I don't even know where to start. This movie. "Surf School." It's fucking broken me. Wed, 05 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/surf-school-surfschool.php raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/shrooms-irish.php A horror movie featuring murder, sex, AND drugs? Well I never! Tue, 28 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/shrooms-irish.php raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/transmorphers.php "Transmorphers" is a straight-to-DVD ripoff release that nevertheless managed to be better than "Transformers 2" by virtue of being much, much shorter. Wed, 22 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/transmorphers.php raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/raptor-island.php "Raptor Island" is another edge-of-your seat Sci-Fi Channel thrill ride where red-blooded American heroes triumph over deadly foes straight out of a high-school senior's Computer Animation project! Wed, 15 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/raptor-island.php raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/butterfly-effect-revelations.php "Hey reviewing bad movies will be WAY better than reviewing bad video games!" exclaimed Raptor Red, her stupid trap flapping in the wind. "The Butterfly Effect 3" is a heartwarming family film involving magical bathtubs, racism, and sisterfucking. Also it's as boring as a Catholic mass. Thu, 02 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/butterfly-effect-revelations.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/death-laid-egg.php Only an Art Film would waste this title -- not a giant killer chicken to be found. Sun, 09 Nov 2008 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/death-laid-egg.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/lakeview-terrace-jackson.php 'Lakeview Terrace' lets Samuel L. Jackson play Good Cop (sliding whistle up), Bad Cop (sliding whistle down). Sun, 28 Sep 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/lakeview-terrace-jackson.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/pacino-righteous-kill.php With 'Righteous Kill' in theaters and '88 Minutes' new to DVD, this might be the worst week of Al Pacino's career. Sun, 21 Sep 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/pacino-righteous-kill.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bangkok-dangerous-cage.php There's dangerous, and then there's "Bangkok Dangerous," with "Bangkok" apparently translating as "not especially." The movie's terrible, yes, but not for the reasons you might expect. Sun, 07 Sep 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bangkok-dangerous-cage.php raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/mirrors-movie.php Hey guys, were you thinking of seeing "Mirrors" this weekend? Of course you weren't, but SomethingAwful has conveniently explained why! Fri, 22 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/mirrors-movie.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/clone-wars-ziro.php 'The Clone Wars' focuses on three central characters, pet-named Sky Guy, Snips and Stinky. And thus the 'Star Wars' franchise burrows deeper into the abyss. Sun, 17 Aug 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/clone-wars-ziro.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/ruins-vines.php "The Ruins," new to DVD, fails miserably in its attempt to bring real terror to the "green, leafy things will murder you" genre. Sun, 13 Jul 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/ruins-vines.php raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/happening-shyamalan.php By now, you've probably heard that M. Night Shyamalan's latest movie sucked. Something Awful desperately attempts to warn you of just how much. Mon, 16 Jun 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/happening-shyamalan.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/actium-maximus-dinosaurs.php What do you get when you cross "Gladiator" with a trip to the container store? Actium goddamn Maximus! Wed, 28 May 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/actium-maximus-dinosaurs.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/devil-blue-mountain.php A lunatic kidnaps two girls and drags them into the wilderness. Is he going to kill them, or is he just trying to waste their time? Wed, 14 May 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/devil-blue-mountain.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/curse-pirate-death.php A bunch of students try to find a dead pirate's gold, despite knowing full well that his ghost will kill them. Yeah, they're not the sharpest bunch. Wed, 30 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/curse-pirate-death.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/alien-vs-hunter.php As if "Alien vs. Predator" wasn't bad enough, someone had to go and make it worse. Wed, 16 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/alien-vs-hunter.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/dimension-in-fear.php A serial killer is on the loose, and the only ones who can stop him are people who have absolutely no business trying to catch a serial killer. Wed, 02 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/dimension-in-fear.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/blood-mask.php You'd think college students would know by now, if they spend the night in a secluded house, they're all going to die. And yet, here we are. Wed, 19 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/blood-mask.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/absolution.php Three hitmen search for a pornstar who has stolen a terrorist's secret plans. But they don't know that she's really a vengeful angel in disguise! It's okay, though, it won't affect them in any way. Wed, 05 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/absolution.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/santas-slay.php Did you know that Santa is the Antichrist? Or that he can breathe fire? Sounds like you need to do some reading, my ignorant friend. Wed, 20 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/santas-slay.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/curse-la-llorona.php Enter a house of unrelenting horror! Oh, and while you're there, if you could ask everyone to start making sense, that would be great. Wed, 06 Feb 2008 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/curse-la-llorona.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/zombies-gone-wild.php When zombies threaten to ruin Spring Break, it's up to three young men to... also ruin Spring Break... Wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:30:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/zombies-gone-wild.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/basketweave.php Finally, a movie that answers the age-old question: what if Hannibal Lecter was fat, bald, and instead of eating people he made baskets? Wed, 09 Jan 2008 02:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/basketweave.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/antisocial-behaviour.php Finally, proof that terrible revenge movies are not a strictly American phenomenon. Thanks for the ego boost, England! Wed, 26 Dec 2007 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/antisocial-behaviour.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/curse-lizzie-borden.php America's most beloved alleged parent killer is back, and she's looking for revenge for... something. Wed, 12 Dec 2007 00:30:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/curse-lizzie-borden.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/chip-factor.php It's like "Sex, Lies, and Videotape," except the videotape is actually a performance-enhancing microchip. Wed, 28 Nov 2007 01:30:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/chip-factor.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bowman-last-pocket.php A son searches for his father. A father searches for a way to get rid of his annoying son. All this and more in the final installment of the Bowman Trilogy! Wed, 14 Nov 2007 02:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bowman-last-pocket.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bowman-other-pain.php You'll never look at rooftops, fat guys, suicide, or denim the same way again! Wed, 31 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bowman-other-pain.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bowman-trainer.php Just when you thought it was safe to be alone with a massive, psychotic personal trainer in an unfamiliar gym in the middle of the night... Wed, 17 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bowman-trainer.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/absence-light.php Two secret agencies fight for control of... something... I think... Wed, 03 Oct 2007 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/absence-light.php