Thu, 02 Jul 2009 05:00:00 +0000 Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds. http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/index.php en-us radium@somethingawful.com webmaster@somethingawful.com http://i.somethingawful.com/core/sa_logo_144.png http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/index.php 144 42 raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/butterfly-effect-revelations.php "Hey reviewing bad movies will be WAY better than reviewing bad video games!" exclaimed Raptor Red, her stupid trap flapping in the wind. "The Butterfly Effect 3" is a heartwarming family film involving magical bathtubs, racism, and sisterfucking. Also it's as boring as a Catholic mass. Thu, 02 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/butterfly-effect-revelations.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/death-laid-egg.php Only an Art Film would waste this title -- not a giant killer chicken to be found. Sun, 09 Nov 2008 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/death-laid-egg.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/lakeview-terrace-jackson.php 'Lakeview Terrace' lets Samuel L. Jackson play Good Cop (sliding whistle up), Bad Cop (sliding whistle down). Sun, 28 Sep 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/lakeview-terrace-jackson.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/pacino-righteous-kill.php With 'Righteous Kill' in theaters and '88 Minutes' new to DVD, this might be the worst week of Al Pacino's career. Sun, 21 Sep 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/pacino-righteous-kill.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bangkok-dangerous-cage.php There's dangerous, and then there's "Bangkok Dangerous," with "Bangkok" apparently translating as "not especially." The movie's terrible, yes, but not for the reasons you might expect. Sun, 07 Sep 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bangkok-dangerous-cage.php raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/mirrors-movie.php Hey guys, were you thinking of seeing "Mirrors" this weekend? Of course you weren't, but SomethingAwful has conveniently explained why! Fri, 22 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/mirrors-movie.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/clone-wars-ziro.php 'The Clone Wars' focuses on three central characters, pet-named Sky Guy, Snips and Stinky. And thus the 'Star Wars' franchise burrows deeper into the abyss. Sun, 17 Aug 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/clone-wars-ziro.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/ruins-vines.php "The Ruins," new to DVD, fails miserably in its attempt to bring real terror to the "green, leafy things will murder you" genre. Sun, 13 Jul 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/ruins-vines.php raptorred@somethingawful.com (Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/happening-shyamalan.php By now, you've probably heard that M. Night Shyamalan's latest movie sucked. Something Awful desperately attempts to warn you of just how much. Mon, 16 Jun 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/happening-shyamalan.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/actium-maximus-dinosaurs.php What do you get when you cross "Gladiator" with a trip to the container store? Actium goddamn Maximus! Wed, 28 May 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/actium-maximus-dinosaurs.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/devil-blue-mountain.php A lunatic kidnaps two girls and drags them into the wilderness. Is he going to kill them, or is he just trying to waste their time? Wed, 14 May 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/devil-blue-mountain.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/curse-pirate-death.php A bunch of students try to find a dead pirate's gold, despite knowing full well that his ghost will kill them. Yeah, they're not the sharpest bunch. Wed, 30 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/curse-pirate-death.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/alien-vs-hunter.php As if "Alien vs. Predator" wasn't bad enough, someone had to go and make it worse. Wed, 16 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/alien-vs-hunter.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/dimension-in-fear.php A serial killer is on the loose, and the only ones who can stop him are people who have absolutely no business trying to catch a serial killer. Wed, 02 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/dimension-in-fear.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/blood-mask.php You'd think college students would know by now, if they spend the night in a secluded house, they're all going to die. And yet, here we are. Wed, 19 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/blood-mask.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/absolution.php Three hitmen search for a pornstar who has stolen a terrorist's secret plans. But they don't know that she's really a vengeful angel in disguise! It's okay, though, it won't affect them in any way. Wed, 05 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/absolution.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/santas-slay.php Did you know that Santa is the Antichrist? Or that he can breathe fire? Sounds like you need to do some reading, my ignorant friend. Wed, 20 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/santas-slay.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/curse-la-llorona.php Enter a house of unrelenting horror! Oh, and while you're there, if you could ask everyone to start making sense, that would be great. Wed, 06 Feb 2008 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/curse-la-llorona.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/zombies-gone-wild.php When zombies threaten to ruin Spring Break, it's up to three young men to... also ruin Spring Break... Wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:30:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/zombies-gone-wild.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/basketweave.php Finally, a movie that answers the age-old question: what if Hannibal Lecter was fat, bald, and instead of eating people he made baskets? Wed, 09 Jan 2008 02:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/basketweave.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/antisocial-behaviour.php Finally, proof that terrible revenge movies are not a strictly American phenomenon. Thanks for the ego boost, England! Wed, 26 Dec 2007 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/antisocial-behaviour.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/curse-lizzie-borden.php America's most beloved alleged parent killer is back, and she's looking for revenge for... something. Wed, 12 Dec 2007 00:30:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/curse-lizzie-borden.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/chip-factor.php It's like "Sex, Lies, and Videotape," except the videotape is actually a performance-enhancing microchip. Wed, 28 Nov 2007 01:30:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/chip-factor.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bowman-last-pocket.php A son searches for his father. A father searches for a way to get rid of his annoying son. All this and more in the final installment of the Bowman Trilogy! Wed, 14 Nov 2007 02:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bowman-last-pocket.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bowman-other-pain.php You'll never look at rooftops, fat guys, suicide, or denim the same way again! Wed, 31 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bowman-other-pain.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bowman-trainer.php Just when you thought it was safe to be alone with a massive, psychotic personal trainer in an unfamiliar gym in the middle of the night... Wed, 17 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/bowman-trainer.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/absence-light.php Two secret agencies fight for control of... something... I think... Wed, 03 Oct 2007 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/absence-light.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/cope.php Imagine the world's worst survival horror video game. Then take away all interactivity. Then take away the horror. And the survival. Wed, 19 Sep 2007 02:30:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/cope.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/acid-rain.php It's man versus angel versus demon versus spirit versus crazy nurse in an all-out battle for... well, let's go with souls. Yeah, that's the ticket. Wed, 05 Sep 2007 02:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/acid-rain.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/urban-ninjas.php Killing their casual acquaintance was their first mistake. Being in this movie will be their last. Wed, 22 Aug 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/urban-ninjas.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/kiss-the-boys.php He's a plastic surgeon on death row for killing male prostitutes. She's a special investigative reporter with a heart of gold. They just could be a match made in gay, gay heaven. Wed, 08 Aug 2007 14:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/kiss-the-boys.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/sickness-house.php Guns! Knives! Laundry detergent! These, and other dangers await inside the "Sickness House!" Oh, and also there's a sickness of some kind. Wed, 25 Jul 2007 02:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/sickness-house.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/dream-home.php If you move into a murder house, you'd think you could expect to get murdered, right? Wrong! Read the review that turns murder on its ear! Wed, 11 Jul 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/dream-home.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/avia-vampire-hunter.php A hopelessly dull woman wages war against the undead - but is she crazy? Or just annoying? Wed, 27 Jun 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/avia-vampire-hunter.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/alien-blood.php With a name like "Alien Blood," how can you go wrong? The answers may astound you! Wed, 13 Jun 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/alien-blood.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/skinned-deep.php A young girl must survive being trapped in a house with a murderous cyborg, a plate-throwing midget, a senile old woman, and a huge-headed freak of nature who just wants to cuddle. Can she make it out and avenge her family? Does it matter? Wed, 30 May 2007 02:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/skinned-deep.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/exterminator-city.php Killer robots, snake demons, and more fake breasts than Anna Nicole Smith's autopsy! Wed, 16 May 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/exterminator-city.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/electric-zombies.php Do you like zombies? Do you like electricity? Do you like yourself? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, stay away from this movie. Wed, 02 May 2007 00:30:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/electric-zombies.php greasnin@somethingawful.com (Ben "Greasnin" Platt) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/female-slaves-revenge.php A hairy old man gets stomped on by women in high heels for ninety minutes. Find out why! Wed, 18 Apr 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/female-slaves-revenge.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/movie-review-yor.php What do you get when you cram a Star Wars ripoff inside an Italo-Turkish caveman/barbarian film? You get Yor: The Hunter from the Future, one of the most tedious movies ever made. Starring Reb Brown and the grandpa from Troll II. Wed, 28 Mar 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/movie-review-yor.php stevesumner@somethingawful.com (Steve "Malak" Sumner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/steve-movie-blog.php Hey, this is Steve and this is my movie blog about movies. I talk about Krull, Red Sonja, Jackass Number Two, and Miami Vice in this blog. I hope you guys enjoy my bloggings. Thu, 01 Mar 2007 00:30:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/steve-movie-blog.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/skateboard-kid.php Dom DeLuise as a talking and flying magical skateboard. Read that sentence again. Now try to picture Timothy Busfield impersonating an ape in a clown wig and an evil gang of teenage skateboarders that hang out in the middle of the desert. Welcome to the Skateboard Kid! Thu, 15 Feb 2007 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/skateboard-kid.php rivetz@somethingawful.com (Dan "Rivetz" Watson) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/predator-island.php A nondescript washed-out blur of what looks like somebodys backyard, populated by irritating twenty-something no-name actors who run around like retards and elicit screams of relief from the audience when theyre finally put out of their whiny, petulant misery. Wed, 07 Feb 2007 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/predator-island.php rivetz@somethingawful.com (Dan "Rivetz" Watson) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/the-defender.php This week's review covers the horrendously unwatchable directorial debut of Dolph Lundgren. Wed, 24 Jan 2007 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/the-defender.php rivetz@somethingawful.com (Dan "Rivetz" Watson) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/night-fangs.php This week's review covers the disastrous indie vampire flick Wed, 10 Jan 2007 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/night-fangs.php rivetz@somethingawful.com (Dan "Rivetz" Watson) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/inseminoid-second-look.php review bad movies insemnoid Wed, 13 Dec 2006 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/inseminoid-second-look.php rivetz@somethingawful.com (Dan "Rivetz" Watson) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/wizards-demon-sword.php Mon, 13 Nov 2006 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/wizards-demon-sword.php jcdracula@somethingawful.com (Justin) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/revenge-ninja.php Sun, 05 Nov 2006 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/revenge-ninja.php rivetz@somethingawful.com (Dan "Rivetz" Watson) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/oasis-zombies.php Wed, 18 Oct 2006 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/oasis-zombies.php jcdracula@somethingawful.com (Justin "jc dracula" Chastain) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/cobra.php Wed, 04 Oct 2006 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/cobra.php