Fri, 24 May 2013 10:00:00 +0000 The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds. http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/index.php en-us radium@somethingawful.com webmaster@somethingawful.com http://i.somethingawful.com/core/sa_logo_144.png http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/index.php 144 42 zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/gorean-mra-kajira.php Men living the Gorean lifestyle are outraged by the hypocrisy and discrimination they face on a daily basis. Fri, 24 May 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/gorean-mra-kajira.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/internet-folk-heroes.php Onward they rode, into the vast unknown. Many were wizened hardcases, their skin leathery from hard years doing what it took to survive the no man's land of BBSes, their eyes permanently squinted against the glow of phantom green text. The majority were fresh faced youths eager for adventure, as if anything good ever came from such folly. Thu, 23 May 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/internet-folk-heroes.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/spoutly-sour-fountains.php "There are two fountains here, one lower for persons in wheelchairs, one higher for persons not in wheelchairs. The taller one has an entire raw chicken impaled on the bubbler. I got sick after lapping up the water that oozed out from the chicken's pores." -HydraDad Wed, 22 May 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/spoutly-sour-fountains.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Dad) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-64.php I need to tell you all about the ostrich and the dancing and why I gave it all up! Tue, 21 May 2013 06:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-64.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/fema-camp-nonsense.php It has finally happened: the guns are grabbed and the dissidents are filling the FEMA camps. As a FEMA camp manager, you need to know how to handle this new order. Mon, 20 May 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/fema-camp-nonsense.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/sport-top-play.php That's team captain Andy Chipwich standing near the pool shirtless without crossing his arms in front of his torso to cover his supple breasts. He doesn't even suck in his stomach! Another stunning play by Andy. Sat, 18 May 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/sport-top-play.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Dwight Wright, Arrested Development's Biggest Fan) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/fans-hate-everything.php Me and all the Mayoneggiacs waited years for this, we helped save your stupid show, and this is how you repay us? WHERE'S THE FRIGGING TURTLE, MITCHELL? Fri, 17 May 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/fans-hate-everything.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/harlan-ellison-alternatives.php Harlan Ellison's compelling short story didn't always have its evocative and iconic title. Read on, and discover the alternate names for this pioneering entry in the world of evil computer fiction. Thu, 16 May 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/harlan-ellison-alternatives.php bransonat@gmail.com (Alex "bransonbranson" Branson) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/raunchiness-delicious-doug.php Greetings Players! This is UnlimitedTerry for MuffWorld! Our intense development sessions spawned The Raunchiness of Delicious Doug, an interesting and erotic patch that makes the game more fun and sexy! This patch delivers LOADS of new dynamic content and, after very specific media outrage, the addition of Condoms to the games erotic toolkit! Wed, 15 May 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/raunchiness-delicious-doug.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/state-pride-fashion.php Apparently being a worthwhile state takes more than an Etsy t-shirt and an alchemists concoction of microbrewers/food trucks/cupcake bakeries. Tue, 14 May 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/state-pride-fashion.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/botox-cooking-oil.php We love you. We're sorry. Please, stop sticking needles full of poison into your precious faces. Mon, 13 May 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/botox-cooking-oil.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/batman-catwoman-face.php We will talk about another face later on, but for now I'd like to focus on this remarkable face. It does not belong to a microcephalic lucha libre wrestler or an especially unkind caricature of legendary Broncos quarterback John Elway. You're looking at the face of Batman. Sat, 11 May 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/batman-catwoman-face.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/don-draper-depend.php Mad man Don Draper meets with clients to discuss TV ad campaigns for Google Chrome, Tax Masters, and Depend SIlhouette. Fri, 10 May 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/don-draper-depend.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/party-guide.php Life is just a vast warehouse of people, music and beer to be assembled into parties. Here are some of the most popular types of parties happening today. Thu, 09 May 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/party-guide.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/bradford-exchange-mother.php Mother's Day is just around the corner, and that means you're an awful child because you haven't purchased a gift yet. Don't despair! Bradford Exchange, the SkyMall of the trailer park set, has put together a large assortment of gifts that could, in theory, be presented to a lady who birthed you. Wed, 08 May 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/bradford-exchange-mother.php nburch2@gmail.com (nikki did it) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/stock-photo-lifestyle.php Let me tell you about the stock photo lifestyle. Tue, 07 May 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/stock-photo-lifestyle.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (LA Delorean) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/drive-ad-nauseam.php Think, the 1980s, but like, dialed up, and sexier, and maybe a little darker. Like Michael Mann 1980s, not Mr. Belvedere 1980s. I'm taking you there. That's my band, Phoebe and the Cates. Mon, 06 May 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/drive-ad-nauseam.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wall-punch-physics.php A man was recently paid actual money to speak on the behalf of an entire company, hoping to improve its fortunes with this proclamation about the near future: "It will no longer be acceptable to walk into a room where you can't punch a hole in the wall". Sat, 04 May 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wall-punch-physics.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/decision-points-theater.php The Decision Points Theater at the George W. Bush Library allows visitors to choose their own presidential adventure. But does it try to rewrite history? Fri, 03 May 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/decision-points-theater.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (John Q. Taxpayer) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/jason-collins-si.php In our search for heroes, your average man often goes overlooked. Thu, 02 May 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/jason-collins-si.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cant-stop-watching.php I can't stop watching this adorable and hilarious video of an otter refusing to leave a guy's car! Why can't I stop watching? Please, somebody help me. I can't stop. Wed, 01 May 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cant-stop-watching.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/bee-killing.php Are you telling me that every time a bee comes within thirty feet, you have to throw a fit? Tue, 30 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/bee-killing.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/redneck-rapture-tribulation.php Jeff Foxworthy survives the Rapture and breaks out his redneck routine for the rag-draped survivors of the Tribulation. Mon, 29 Apr 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/redneck-rapture-tribulation.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/american-ninja-movie.php As a kid I would turn on cable tv late at night and somehow manage to always catch the same weird movie. Bits and pieces of this film have been popping into my head lately, but not enough to identify what it was called. If I can't figure out what the heck this mystery movie was it's going to drive me insane. Maybe you can help? Sat, 27 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/american-ninja-movie.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/facebook-quiz-moron.php Your ability to answer seemingly impossible Facebook quizzes is astonishing. I wish I had known you were such a genius when we were in one year of middle school together. Fri, 26 Apr 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/facebook-quiz-moron.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/music-cool-quiz.php It happens so quickly. One day you're right in the epicenter of cool music, rocking out to 30 Seconds To Mars, and the next day you supposedly have terrible taste. Thu, 25 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/music-cool-quiz.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/skymall-nano-wand.php IS IT WORKING? I've spent about three hours just running it back and forth over a carrot, hoping it would give me some indication when the carrot was safe to eat. Ill keep running it over the carrot until I get a response. Some kind of progress bar or robotic voice saying something like "WARNING! FECES DETECTED" would be great. Wed, 24 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/skymall-nano-wand.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Jon "@fart" Hendren) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/twitter-spring-2013.php Refresh your awful Twitter feed with these hand-picked heavy-hitters! Tue, 23 Apr 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/twitter-spring-2013.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/kindle-billionaires-review.php What do Kriss Cross, Genghis Khan, and Donald Trump have in common? They are all featured in Kindle books about billionaires we discovered during an expedition to the fringes of Amazon. Mon, 22 Apr 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/kindle-billionaires-review.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/windows-95-software.php This is easily the most comprehensive and user-friendly skeleton program that I have ever used. Not to be confused with the inferior 3D skeleton software Inferior 3D Skeleton, Ultimate 3D Skeleton is a terrific resource for true skeleton connoisseurs. Sat, 20 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/windows-95-software.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/boston-mit-bombing.php Thrilling events have made life indistinguishable from a high-octane action movie for the maimed victim of a bomb blast. Fri, 19 Apr 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/boston-mit-bombing.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (The Law Firm of Boeker, Hobe, & Bruster) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/nickelodeon-slime-abuse.php Finally, the slimed have a voice. Thu, 18 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/nickelodeon-slime-abuse.php jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/gay-ravers-mcdonalds.php One night in 1989 I showed up to my job at the McDonalds in Times Square, New York, and the place was filled with gay ravers. They were dressed as gay versions of McDonalds mascots, like Mac Tonight in Liberace garb and Mayor McCheese with a rainbow sash. Wed, 17 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/gay-ravers-mcdonalds.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/underemployed-jobs.php Youre the renaissance man of low skilled labor. Monopolize entry jobs; control every aspect of the lowest rung. Stack your 1099s to the sky. Contractor till you die. Tue, 16 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/underemployed-jobs.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Duff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/duff-cake-icecream.php Perfectly egg-headed Duff, from Ace of Cakes, will insert any type of cake you want into Blue Bunny ice cream. Mon, 15 Apr 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/duff-cake-icecream.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/burger-island-expedition.php You know me to be a man of science. Standing on this shore of burgers, though, knowing that I am among the first humans to lay my eyes upon such majesty? For the first time in my life I understand the appeal of surrendering to the inscrutable machinations of a higher power. Sat, 13 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/burger-island-expedition.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/sexism-gaming-culture.php Popular gaming website Game Bros announces the results of their reader poll to decide the sexiest butts in video games. Fri, 12 Apr 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/sexism-gaming-culture.php telegramsiam@gmail.com (WET BUTT) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/guide-growing-old.php You must move from the bustle of the city to a place of quiet and solitude; a quaint, uninvolved paradise, where you can annoy animals and plants instead of people. You will sit in your chair, staring at the moon and seeing only a reflection of your big dumb ovular face, nodding in congratulatory affirmation at your unique appreciation of nature. Thu, 11 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/guide-growing-old.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/skymall-animal-repellent.php Pointless. The "sensor" gizmo is not smart enough to differentiate between common bird species. SkyMall, please let me know when you develop a product that can specifically target the nervous systems of birds I don't like. I've got some rude characters in my yard, and I want them to suffer for what they've done. Wed, 10 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/skymall-animal-repellent.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Jon "@fart" Hendren) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-63.php The world's most sophisticated chat babe is ready to be pleased by you!! Tue, 09 Apr 2013 04:30:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-63.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/hoarder-comparison-true.php Compared to these crazy people on Hoarders everything is going just fine in my life. I've even bought the tarps and hacksaw. Mon, 08 Apr 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/hoarder-comparison-true.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/lucasarts-cancelled-games.php They could have released all of their classics on Steam or Good Old Games and drowned in a sea of money. Didn't happen. Why? Who knows! The little dude in the LucasArts logo, as it turned out, was either shrugging or waving both hands toward an unknowable point in the future when they would work on something worthwhile. Sat, 06 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/lucasarts-cancelled-games.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/rip-roger-ebert.php The world's greatest film critic is hired to review the orb-swarming madness of bullet hell shooter games. Fri, 05 Apr 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/rip-roger-ebert.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/everyday-business-speak.php Learn how to make your personal brand of evil palatable with the wonders of Corporate Speak. Thu, 04 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/everyday-business-speak.php lowtax@somethingawful.com (Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/bioshock-infinite-columbia.php A collection of ads from Columbia, the setting of Bioshock: Infinite. Wed, 03 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/bioshock-infinite-columbia.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/game-throne-secrets.php All the season's shocking secrets revealed right here! Tue, 02 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/game-throne-secrets.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/man-versus-machine.php Professor John Henry believes a man can best a machine, and he sets out to prove it in a test of teaching prowess. Mon, 01 Apr 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/man-versus-machine.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dynamite-store-return.php This stick of dynamite kept rolling off the bread. Yes, I suppose a hot dog bun would have held it in place better, but if I had hot dog buns why would I need the dynamite in the first place? Sat, 30 Mar 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dynamite-store-return.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/hubbard-american-apparel.php L Ron Hubbard returns in thetan form to do some paid writing for the American Apparel clothing catalog. Fri, 29 Mar 2013 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/hubbard-american-apparel.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey (@bobservo)) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/miss-beauty-science.php "Do you think schoolchildren should be taught that matter exists?" The Miss Beauty USA semifinalists respond to one tough question. Thu, 28 Mar 2013 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/miss-beauty-science.php