Sat, 04 Jul 2009 05:00:00 +0000 The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds. http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/index.php en-us radium@somethingawful.com webmaster@somethingawful.com http://i.somethingawful.com/core/sa_logo_144.png http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/index.php 144 42 zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/sorry-sarah-palin.php Something Awful is deeply sorry for any harm we may have caused Sarah Palin and we would like to extend our sincerest apologies to all members of the Palin family. Sat, 04 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/sorry-sarah-palin.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/baby-im-sorry.php Baby, why are you so mad? Don't listen to those lies, baby. I'm sorry! It wasn't supposed to be like that! Give me a chance to explain! Fri, 03 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/baby-im-sorry.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Roofers' World Staff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/michael-jackson-tribute.php By popular demand, we unscrupulously cash in on a celebrity's death! Thu, 02 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/michael-jackson-tribute.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/rustlr-cowboy-site3.php Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop when travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail. Wed, 01 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/rustlr-cowboy-site3.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/interior-man.php I thought you should be aware that Interior Man has been entering my cubicle at least once a day to burn one of his feathers next to my head. It smells bad and I think it might be some kind of insult. I know that his ways are unknown to us, but he stares at me in what I would consider to be a very menacing way. Tue, 30 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/interior-man.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/nils-beauregard-nyc.php Beauregard falls in love with a woman he has never met and he and Nils face down danger in the streets beneath the streets of New York City. Mon, 29 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/nils-beauregard-nyc.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/neon-origins.php How is neon created? Why is it making a comeback? These are the questions they do not want you to ask. The brilliant sheen on your sneakers comes with a long and troubled history that is shrouded in secrecy. We have been quiet for too long. It is time to expose the repulsive origins of this inhumane color spectrum. Sun, 28 Jun 2009 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/neon-origins.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/hopmo-too-strong.php When we punch at him, he moves away and swats our knuckles. When we try to tackle him so that we may hold him down and punch him without interruption, he pushes us away. When we ask him to build a device that will hold him down for us, he refuses. Sat, 27 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/hopmo-too-strong.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Tom Champion, Business Writer) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/phraces-101-business.php I wrote book about 101 phraces in office. I expert on financial and business issue. Need proof? Me column in Wall Street Journal. Also do piece for FINANCIAL TIIMIKMMeS. Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/phraces-101-business.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/maxim-electronic-gaming.php EGM: Enraged Geek Mail! New readers sound off on the EGM/Maxim switch -- from their moms' basements! Thu, 25 Jun 2009 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/maxim-electronic-gaming.php livestock@somethingawful.com (DynaMars Corporation Information Kiosk) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dynamars-kiosk.php Welcome to the newest station in the DynaMars Corporation family! Cycnus Station is a state-of-the-art campus with all the amenities you'd expect back home on Earth -- only here on Mars! Wed, 24 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dynamars-kiosk.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Johnny "DocEvil" Titanium) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-19.php ROSS BEANIS and i are going to make money and you will see. we will be famous business men like a couple of rambos Tue, 23 Jun 2009 03:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-19.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/usa-tour-boston.php Europeans Nils Odegaard and Beauregard Ink begin their road tour of the United States starting in Maine with stops in New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, and Connecticut. Mon, 22 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/usa-tour-boston.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/give-me-job.php This is not a comedy article. This is a cry for help! Sun, 21 Jun 2009 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/give-me-job.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/windows-help-bug.php Windows 7's least publicized feature is the drastically redesigned Help database, with over thirty times as many articles as the previous versions combined. We put it to the test, and got more Help than we could have possibly been prepared for. Sat, 20 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/windows-help-bug.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/blameby-baby-blame.php There's no reason you should be held responsible for a mistake when you can pick a scapegoat that can't fight back. Learn how BLAMEBY can help. Fri, 19 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/blameby-baby-blame.php lowtax@somethingawful.com (Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/villains-internet-forums.php Famous villains seek out advice on the internet. What they receive is, well, what you expect they would receive. Thu, 18 Jun 2009 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/villains-internet-forums.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/celebrity-stalker-june.php Featuring the latest sightings of all your favorite celebrities! From Bob Newhart's dark side to Patrick Dempsey's run in with a varmint, we're keeping score with Hollywood's winners and losers. Wed, 17 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/celebrity-stalker-june.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/rustlr-cowboy-site2.php Rustlr.com your home away from home on the range, pardner! Keep up with your posse, check out our stampede forecast and have a gander at our tag cloud to find out what's rootin' and tootin' on the prairie! Tue, 16 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/rustlr-cowboy-site2.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dont-ask-funnies.php The brave men and women of GI Army Funnies contend with changes to the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy and the arrival of the unit's first gay troop. Mon, 15 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dont-ask-funnies.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/subway-journey.php Son, for this journey is dangerous, but the rewards are heavenly. Hold strong and keep your mind sharp, and we shall come across treasure youve never imagined. Perhaps if the exploration into the bowels of hell is a success, a new game for thy console is in order. Sun, 14 Jun 2009 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/subway-journey.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/endeavour-shuttle-launch.php A wide-eyed man in an orange jumpsuit blotted out the clear blue sky, wobbling as an unseen crane on the launch pad lowered him onto the Endeavour's nose. Biting down on his lower lip, the launch prep crewman steadied himself and reached a wavering hand toward a slip of paper tucked behind the shuttle's windshield wiper. Sat, 13 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/endeavour-shuttle-launch.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/little-terrors-talent.php When Hollywood casting agents need a creepy child for their movie they turn to Little Terrors Talent Agency. Fri, 12 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/little-terrors-talent.php lowtax@somethingawful.com (Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/reality-recaps.php Something Awful helps you keep up to date with summer's hottest unscripted programs! Thu, 11 Jun 2009 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/reality-recaps.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/rustlr-cowboy-site.php Welcome to Rustlr.com, pardner! Ya ain't gonna find no better a social networking site in all the lands, no sir. Click over yonder to see the latest updates from yer fella cowpokes. Take a load off before ya hit that dusty trail! Wed, 10 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/rustlr-cowboy-site.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Johnny "DocEvil" Titanium) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/attention-media-twitter.php This Twitter-mania is getting ridiculous. Not every tweet is incredible and I can make the points to prove it. Tue, 09 Jun 2009 04:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/attention-media-twitter.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/exclusivus-invitation-elite.php Congratulations! You have been selected to join the elite ranks of Exclusivus, the world's most exclusive luxury lifestyle provider. Mon, 08 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/exclusivus-invitation-elite.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wwe-entrance-theme.php Some of the WWE's best wrestlers need new entrance themes, and I'm the guy for the job. Eat your heart out girls. Hands off the merchandise. Sat, 06 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wwe-entrance-theme.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (TERRORIST HULK) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/terrorist-hulk-gitmo.php The Incredible Terrorist Hulk submits an ideas piece about what might transpire if the United States closes Gitmo and releases him into the general prison population. Fri, 05 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/terrorist-hulk-gitmo.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey with jokes stolen from Michael Bury) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/doc-brown-bttf.php Doc Brown: time criminal or adorable scientist? We looked at the facts and decided to ignore them. Thu, 04 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/doc-brown-bttf.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/barkwire-trotter.php Old age, sore joints and cataracts mean nothing to this tough soldier, still unrelenting in his fight for justice. Even with his mysterious origins, it is all but certain Trotter shares a common history and deadly rivalry with the villainous El Crneo Negro. Wed, 03 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/barkwire-trotter.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/e3-uncle-nintendo.php In a major gaming-journo coup, Something Awful has secured an exclusive interview with a kid whose uncle works for Nintendo. Inside, we'll reveal the secrets of Mortal Kombat sex fatalities, Mario's gun code and Nintendo's upcoming 100-bit console... Tue, 02 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/e3-uncle-nintendo.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/life-after-people.php Mankind has disappeared, leaving behind empty streets and silent cities. What will happen to the things we have built and what will happen to man's best friends? Why is there a goat in the pool? Mon, 01 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/life-after-people.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/graduation-fun.php Graduation ceremonies are convoluted, pointless, and boring, and thats just for the people getting diplomas. If youre stuck in the audience, print out this handy activity sheet and try to have some fun. Good luck. Sun, 31 May 2009 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/graduation-fun.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/virtual-indecent-maid.php Girls who fall into the mature personality are self-assured, smart, and somewhat jaded thanks to the rough-and-tumble lifestyle of their middle school surroundings. Sat, 30 May 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/virtual-indecent-maid.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cinema-unfortunate-prophecy.php Prophets from the ancient past of 1997 bring ill-tidings of a dystopian future. Fri, 29 May 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cinema-unfortunate-prophecy.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/reading-time-hepzibah.php Now a fugitive, Stevie seeks answers from a mysterious Elderly. Thu, 28 May 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/reading-time-hepzibah.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/celebrity-stalker-may.php Celebrities Ahoy! Our keen-eyed starmongers have been busy! This week exciting sightings of mega-celebs Mike Lauer, Morgan Goodman, Ben Hopper, Charlie Freeman, and Johnny Sheen. Wed, 27 May 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/celebrity-stalker-may.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Johnny "DocEvil" Titanium) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/college-app-essay.php What a long, strange trip it has been. From here to the post office, over and over, mailing the same thing to dozens of places. Tue, 26 May 2009 02:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/college-app-essay.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/army-funnies-memorial.php Celebrate Memorial Thing and honor the men and women in uniform by spending some time with the cut-ups from GI Army Funnies. They're America's favorite one-panel military comic! Mon, 25 May 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/army-funnies-memorial.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Justin "Hoobastank" Marquis) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dog-dudes-diet.php Still scrawny and need some tips? Tight budget got you feeling like there's no way you're ever gonna get toned enough for the beach? Cheer up, you can have wicked arms and a barrel-like chest in no time, just follow my tips and start cutting the sleeves off of all your tees or reinforce them to prevent ripping from your new muscles. Sun, 24 May 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dog-dudes-diet.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/pitchmen-inventions-mays.php In Pitchmen (the Discovery Channel's next logical step after bringing us Planet Earth), Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan pretend to drive each other insane while looking for inventions to feature in their infomercials. It's not a very good show. Pitchmen is ridiculous, contrived, overly scripted, and I want in on it. Sat, 23 May 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/pitchmen-inventions-mays.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/american-lovin-it.php Sick and tired of hearing losers and whiners blame America for all of the problems of the world? Then this is the article to give voice to your silent suffering. Fri, 22 May 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/american-lovin-it.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/message-college-riots.php Riots? On my campus? You kids got some 'splaining to do! Thu, 21 May 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/message-college-riots.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/capital-wasteland-classifieds.php Horrible earth-shattering apocalypse be damned! The Capital Wasteland is still alive and teeming with commerce, trade, and gainful employment. Wed, 20 May 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/capital-wasteland-classifieds.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wolfram-alpha.php British scientist Stephen Wolfram recently launched one of the most ambitious projects in the history of the web: Wolfram Alpha, a site which aims to condense all human knowledge into some kind of a thing that you can talk to with your computer. To help you understand this new technology, we've delved into the thing for some first impressions. Tue, 19 May 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wolfram-alpha.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/fart-city-share.php Fart City USA has launched enabled for full streaming and feed socking of user-generated content captures. Mon, 18 May 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/fart-city-share.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/bum-sentence.php Listen, I know youre busy, but Im in need. Please, just listen to one sentence. Thats it. One sentence, and then you can go on your way. Sun, 17 May 2009 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/bum-sentence.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/basketball-speech-halftime.php Look, I don't care if the guy on the other team asks to see the ball, you don't give it to him. Yes, even if it's "just for a second" and he says please. The only people you should be giving that ball to are your teammates.Well, the next time he says that ask him for a receipt. Sat, 16 May 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/basketball-speech-halftime.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/insidious-beast-final.php In a world that is not quite ours, the epic saga concludes. Be sure to stick around for the video at the end. Fri, 15 May 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/insidious-beast-final.php