Thu, 08 May 2008 05:00:00 +0000 The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds. http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/index.php en-us radium@somethingawful.com webmaster@somethingawful.com http://i.somethingawful.com/core/sa_logo_144.png http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/index.php 144 42 bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/seniors-talk-grandchildren.php Senior citizens finally break the silence on the most sensitive topic in any Relaxed Lifestyle Assisted Leisure Community: grandchildren. Thu, 08 May 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/seniors-talk-grandchildren.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/garage-sale-falcon.php I had never owned a falcon before, let alone conceived of owning one, but seeing that falcon filled my head with a million great ideas. Life would simply be better with a falcon at my side. Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/garage-sale-falcon.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Rod) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/no-big-deal.php Heeyyy! New here? Yeah, nice to see some ladies around here. You know, in the workplace. Women in the workplace. The ladies. Heh. Kind of seems like a boys club around here sometimes, right? Finally get some use out of that women's bathroom, right? I mean... you know. We all use the bathroom. I mean, we don't all use the women's bathroom. You do. Tue, 06 May 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/no-big-deal.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cracked-copy-datajacker.php A forgotten two-fisted cyberpunk thriller from 1986. Hailed by critics as the most accurate example of the genre, "Cracked Copy" follows "datajacker" Case and his efforts to stay alive on the razor's edge. Mon, 05 May 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cracked-copy-datajacker.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/facial-hair.php Listen toots, this update is for men, and only the manliest of men for that matter. No gun collection or republican vote is going to fool me! Well, all right, this update is for men who are struggling to grow an awesome beard. Ive formulaically created a list of the top facial hairstyles chosen by the beard-ly handicapped. Sun, 04 May 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/facial-hair.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/type-writer-sir.php My dearest Lady Guinneviere Royceweatherfaire: I hope this letter finds you in good spirits. Our hunt has encountered a few minor setbacks. Three guides were eaten by elephants and a fourth made the mistake of donning a lion's carcass and sneaking about when the party was shooting at passing birds, as is our nightly tradition. Sat, 03 May 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/type-writer-sir.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/criss-angel-mystery.php Each year on Friday the 13th the Princes of Midnight gather at a secret location to celebrate their positions as shapers of the masculine ideal. These powerful figures can sometimes butt heads when it comes to the arrangements for the meeting. Fri, 02 May 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/criss-angel-mystery.php acetone@somethingawful.com (Hassan "Acetone" Mikal) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/grand-theft-asshole.php An asshole physics review of Grand Theft Auto IV Thu, 01 May 2008 09:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/grand-theft-asshole.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/disgusting-fake-babies.php Babies are Precious Miracles from God. But, if you're like me, you're a menopausal woman with no romantic prospects. Thankfully, collecting realistic collectible dolls is a wholly healthy and fulfilling substitute for the real thing. Wed, 30 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/disgusting-fake-babies.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Johnny "DocEvil" Titanium) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/jo-buds-2.php We're just looking for a bro to come over to read some craigslist posts and maybe take his pants off at some point. Nothing weird, just dudes hanging out. Tue, 29 Apr 2008 03:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/jo-buds-2.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/warhammer-chaos-birdhouse.php 38,000 years into the dark future there is more than just war, there is a hell of a lot of work that needs to be done. Join Blue Stripe in our voyage to the 41st millennium to interview three working stiffs from the war-torn galaxy of tomorrow. Mon, 28 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/warhammer-chaos-birdhouse.php maxnmona@somethingawful.com (Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/metal-cover-letter.php I am writing in regards to the advertised position in your black metal band. I would very much like a chance to be part of this venture, and I feel that I have the rock god skills necessary to efficiently build and maintain a high profile Satan-worshipping black metal band. Sun, 27 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/metal-cover-letter.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/space-camp-astronaut.php As I sat in the NASA cafeteria on the last day of space camp prodding at a bowl of Five-Alarm Challenger Chili, the old handyman pushed open the double doors at the opposite end of the room. Although the years had turned his skin into a full body ballsack, the muscles beneath were hard as granite. Sat, 26 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/space-camp-astronaut.php stevesumner@somethingawful.com (Steve "Malak" Sumner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/president-maverick-racist.php More free time than I wanted, some problems, and all of this TV coverage have got me thinking a lot about half-orcs, orcs, and being president. Could an orc really be president in the Forgotten Realms? Fri, 25 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/president-maverick-racist.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/citizen-kane-review.php Gentleman's News Service correspondent Addison Hillsdale IV brings you his 1941 review of Citizen Kane. Thu, 24 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/citizen-kane-review.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/barkwire-doublewide.php Doublewide is as well known for his temper as he is for his appetite. He is rarely seen far from food, and is known to make a meal out of virtually anything. This vicious creature would prove more intimidating if not for his debilitating weight, which greatly diminishes his ability to give chase. Wed, 23 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/barkwire-doublewide.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/girl-comic-con.php Intrepid reporter David Thorpe goes undercover at New York Comic Con as that most feared of supervillains: A GIRL. Tue, 22 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/girl-comic-con.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/japanese-magazine-ads.php The wild information-dense layout of Japanese magazine ads collide with strange English and stranger products. If you want to enlarge your breasts with foam, poop the weight away, and ward off Jewish vampires in Japan, then this is the article for you. It's mostly pictures, so it should take about one minute to read. Mon, 21 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/japanese-magazine-ads.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/passover-420.php So today is Passover, one of the most important holidays in Judaism. It is also 420, a holiday created for the purpose of smoking pot, like Earth Day without the ambition. I guess there's a big party going on downtown tonight. They are handing out these fliers everywhere. Sun, 20 Apr 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/passover-420.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/slippy-starfox-career.php Life after the events portrayed in the Star Fox games was difficult for all members of the squad, but none had as difficult a time blending into the modern workplace as Slippy Toad. These are the tales of his downfall. Sat, 19 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/slippy-starfox-career.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Dr. Grumman E. Wodenferd, Doctor of Impossiblism) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wodenferd-futurist-predictions.php Dr. Grumman E. Wodenferd, Doctor of Impossiblism, brings you his 56th annual predictions of the future. Dr. Wodenferd is a respected Impossiblist and has one of the best records for futurist predictions of any American not using forbidden arts. Fri, 18 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wodenferd-futurist-predictions.php acetone@somethingawful.com (Hassan "Acetone" Mikal) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/gta-retrospective.php A shameless attempt to capitalize on a popular franchise and generate more hits to our web site. Thu, 17 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/gta-retrospective.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tips-tricks.php A collection of helpful, handy, and thoroughly true tips & tricks certain to give you better odds of winning at the game of life. Wed, 16 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tips-tricks.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tooth-tooth-pope.php Did I tell you about that time Tooth Tooth met the pope? Son, that shit is crazy. Actual goddamn pope, son. You gotta take my word on this one, god, because you aint gonna find that shit in any history book, you heard? This was two minds coming together, but will you ever hear about this shit from any devils history book? Naw, man. Tue, 15 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tooth-tooth-pope.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/turtle-pets-cats.php We love our precious babies, but do we expect too much from them? Cats, dogs, and all the rest just aren't as smart as we like to think. It's a cruel reality, but the demands we are placing on our under-equipped pets might just be causing real mental health problems. Mon, 14 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/turtle-pets-cats.php maxnmona@somethingawful.com (Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/spy-part-two.php The action-packed conclusion to this classic spy thriller in which an old guy chases a giant flying robotic boot on the White House lawn, and another old guy gets yelled at by a Russian midget. Dont miss it! Sun, 13 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/spy-part-two.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/whale-season-advisory.php Print out these tidbits of blue whale knowledge. They may just save your life, especially if you fold them up into the pages of a bible and keep it in your shirt pocket, saving your life when someone with really good aim tries to execute you by shooting you in the heart instead of your head. Sat, 12 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/whale-season-advisory.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/blogs-kos-politics.php Profiles in Scourging is proud to present our first annual Blarghies, the awards for horribleness in Internet political reporting and commentary. Find out which of your favorite political brain trusts is responsible for which crime against humanity. Fri, 11 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/blogs-kos-politics.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/awful-facebook-invitations.php Discover the bold, new ways your friends will annoy the hell out of you on Facebook. Thu, 10 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/awful-facebook-invitations.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/steve-sutton-update.php An exciting update on the life and times of Steve Sutton, industrious video blogger and fascinating human specimen. See the highlights of what Steve has been doing over the past two years. Hint: Staying indoors and video blogging. Wed, 09 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/steve-sutton-update.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Something Awful AdBreak) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/adult-advertisement.php Something Awful is on spring break. Enjoy some adult content ads from our fine sponsors. Tue, 08 Apr 2008 07:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/adult-advertisement.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/clinton-stories-yarns.php Enjoy the dubious yarns of Hillary Clinton before they hit the campaign trail thanks to the Hillary Clinton Tall Tale Generator. Mon, 07 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/clinton-stories-yarns.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/college-help.php Its impossible to get through college on your own. But who on campus is actually there to help you? You have read this countdown to find out. Or just skip to the last three, but dont do that. Sun, 06 Apr 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/college-help.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/eternia-cutscene-script.php The newest offering from master jRPG producer Kenji Otawanbi, Enchanted Eternia Legend may not tread new ground as far as gameplay is concerned, but its story stands head and shoulders above Otawanbi's previous efforts Phantasmia Excelsion and Epic Battalia Crossfold. Sat, 05 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/eternia-cutscene-script.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/stamen-mans-below.php Spring here again and instruction given for a spring. Enjoy the warm sun on your soft skins. Remember the way before the cold times. A birth anew for the earths. Get the low down. Fri, 04 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/stamen-mans-below.php acetone@somethingawful.com (Hassan "Acetone" Mikal) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/autism-day.php Yesterday was Autism Day. Unfortunately Asperger's crashed the party. Thu, 03 Apr 2008 03:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/autism-day.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/barkwire-noir.php Noir is a bit of a mystery. Few people ever seem to get to spend more than a few hours with her. She is known for her aloof behavior and evasiveness, often avoiding people for as long as she can. But when she needs something, she knows how to play the role of man's best friend like no other. Wed, 02 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/barkwire-noir.php lowtax@somethingawful.com (Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/energy-drink-jolt.php Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka reviews the feel-good sensation of JOLT ENERGY's product line, because some clueless person mailed them to us for free! Tue, 01 Apr 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/energy-drink-jolt.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/mission-rpg-astro.php Lieutenant Cristo of Astro Squadron receives a mission briefing from hell from Earth President Templeton of Earth Fleet HQ. Find out just how bad things can get in this science fiction RPG. Mon, 31 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/mission-rpg-astro.php maxnmona@somethingawful.com (Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/spy-part-one.php An ex-secret agent and an ex-mad genius, desperate for the return of their glory years, team up for one really badly thought out plan. It does not go well. Sun, 30 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/spy-part-one.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wrestlemania-roster-wwe.php When Wrestlemania XXIV begins tomorrow night, it is estimated that the event will be broadcast via Pay Per View to more than one million households. That number is even more impressive when you consider that double-wide trailers aren't counted twice, as you'd think they would be. Sat, 29 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wrestlemania-roster-wwe.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/gravel-campaign-president.php Every scrap of minutiae has been gobbled up by election watchers this year, including an AP survey of candidate answers to unusual questions. Find out what questions the AP missed and how the candidates respond. Fri, 28 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/gravel-campaign-president.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/college-students-hate.php Four types of college students the world could do without. Thu, 27 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/college-students-hate.php livestock@somethingawful.com (P. B. Fouke) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/fouke-delivers-greatness.php In the latest edition of the Trappers' Partner periodical and catalogue, beloved fur magnate P. B. Fouke shares the glorious news of his new beard and also reflects on the birth of his new son. Wed, 26 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/fouke-delivers-greatness.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Johnny "DocEvil" Titanium) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/realcoach.php A handy guide for determining the authenticity of your coach in an increasingly unsportsmanlike world. Tue, 25 Mar 2008 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/realcoach.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wright-osama-buchanan.php Religion and big mouths dominate this installment of Profiles in Scourging. The Reverend Jeremiah Wright controversy gets worked over and Osama bin Laden feels the sting. Plus find out who got away with saying some unbelievably stupid crap. Mon, 24 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wright-osama-buchanan.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/easter-cleatus.php Sentenced for a crime he didnt commit, CLEATUS died for Hank William Jr.s sins. I have presented you with some primary sources depicting the last moments on earth for the King of Booya. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME EASTER? Cause its Sunday night here in Golgotha! Sun, 23 Mar 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/easter-cleatus.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/warcraft-free-gold.php Visit this official form at the official BLIZZARD GAME COMPANY site bluzzard.com/naruto3.html then fill it all out. Gotta give your name, credit card info, that social security number, and detailed description or photograph of your moist zone. Sat, 22 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/warcraft-free-gold.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/voyager-scam-artist.php Even working stiffs can turn to crime. The USS Voyager falls prey to a petty criminal running a scam in the Delta Quadrant. Fri, 21 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/voyager-scam-artist.php acetone@somethingawful.com (Hassan "Acetone" Mikal) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tent-city-usa.php This year it is estimated that a billion Americans could lose their homes and will be forced to move into makeshift Hoovervilles, the proliferation of which will mean the demise of this country we call the United States of America. Find out why I'm so happy about this in today's bitter article! Thu, 20 Mar 2008 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tent-city-usa.php