Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:00:00 +0000 The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds. http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/index.php en-us radium@somethingawful.com webmaster@somethingawful.com http://i.somethingawful.com/core/sa_logo_144.png http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/index.php 144 42 zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/newsheadline-ru-russia.php Look to Russia and you will see the future of the United States. That's as good a reason as any to enjoy these fresh headlines from Newsheadline.ru, Russia's premier news aggregator website. Fri, 20 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/newsheadline-ru-russia.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Janet from Accounts Payable) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/ladies-night-rocks.php Ladies' night is a great chance to let loose and have a fun time with your gal pals. Order a drink, relax, and forget about your problems. No boys allowed. It's ladies' night. Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/ladies-night-rocks.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dog-classifieds.php LARGE CUBE OF DOGS. I have over 160 canines stacked and arranged in a very specific way so as to all fit in a single room. Buyer must purchase and move entire collection and room. No exceptions. $3,000,000. 555-4218 Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dog-classifieds.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tooth-tooth-swine.php I'm sure folks been telling you about how Tooth Tooth tasted the unclean meats of a swine and was corrupted. Yeah, kid, I wouldn't believe it either. How could it be so? How could Tooth Tooth, a noble original black man, let the gamey flesh of a snouted ungulate pass the uncorrupted lips he use to impart righteous truth upon his brothers? Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tooth-tooth-swine.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (E.E. CUMMINGZ 2.0) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cummingz-poems-web.php Introducing Web 2.0's mega poet: E.E.CUMMINGZ. Something Awful has collected just a few of his poems from his vast body of work. Mon, 16 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cummingz-poems-web.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/pube-collective.php As I pissed into the urinal, I gazed at the largest public collection of pubic hair in the country. It was, for a brief moment, spellbinding, almost, in fact, beautiful. But who piled so many strands? And why? Sun, 15 Nov 2009 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/pube-collective.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cop-partners-movie.php At first glance our working stiff here appears to have hung himself, but it was only meant to look that way. Note the multiple chainsaw wounds. Sat, 14 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cop-partners-movie.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wendy-show-november.php The Wendy Show archive from Wendy's final November 1st broadcast. This document is made available for your eyes only. The dissemination of any information contained within is strictly forbidden. Fri, 13 Nov 2009 03:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wendy-show-november.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/box-button-lunchbox.php A woman becomes obsessed with the belief that there are too many boxes in the world. She submits the complaint "too many boxes" to the police department. Her note eventually ends up in the inbox of the Box Control division. The crusty box detective agrees to take the case. Thu, 12 Nov 2009 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/box-button-lunchbox.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/stormbeard-neighborhood-wizard.php As I noted in my last letter, Mr. Stormbeard's estranged wife returned home. Her arrival sparked a fresh wave of violent, supernatural events. As the couple bickered and argued, the entire neighborhood seemed to quake. This problem has only intensified with the arrival of Scott, Mr. Stormbeard's teenage son and drug addict. Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/stormbeard-neighborhood-wizard.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Johnny "DocEvil" Titanium) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-25.php This is your father. I am going to win big on National Novel Wiring Month. Read the storyline here, it is a crowd pleaser! Tue, 10 Nov 2009 00:30:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-25.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (AJ Tucker) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tucker-miss-most.php ISS Commander Lt. Col. AJ Tucker answers the age-old question, "What do astronauts miss most?" He also includes the answers to several questions not asked. Mon, 09 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tucker-miss-most.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dragon-age-codex.php If our forums were any indication, Dragon Age: Origins was not only destined to be terrible, but there was a good chance its cloth map would serve as a vehicle for smallpox. Sat, 07 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dragon-age-codex.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wendy-show-2.php The Wendy Show show log archives from October 16th through October 30th 2009. This covers the final run of the show prior to the incident. DESTROY ALL COPIES AFTER READING. Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wendy-show-2.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/hundredth-article-ever.php Bob "BobServo" Mackey is celebrating his 100th Something Awful article, and you're invited! Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/hundredth-article-ever.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/bradford-exchange-gifts.php With the economy in the hands of Mos Eisley bandits and your personal finances in ruins, this is going to be a difficult holiday shopping season. Thankfully there is a retailer that not only understands your budgetary restraints, but also respects your delicate and uncompromising sensibilities. Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/bradford-exchange-gifts.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/district-bulletin-god.php Recently, alas, a boast passed Dorroile's glistening teeth that could not be ignored. Our hearing of it was not perfect, said as it was in a noisome atmosphere of Dorroile's own devising, but reasonably certain are we of the general ideage: that Dorroile either has or is a god. Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/district-bulletin-god.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wendy-show-october.php An archive of episode descriptions for TV's The Wendy Show from October 1st through October 15th. These descriptions are made available to security clearances Ruby-4 and higher. Mon, 02 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wendy-show-october.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/coward-tips.php I know you probably think that if you were in a war, you would do something brave like jump on a grenade, and I dont want to ruin your imagination, but how do you expect to do something that powerful when your cowardice permeates your every move? Maybe you should try following these tips. Sun, 01 Nov 2009 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/coward-tips.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/bird-face-suit.php I am almost certain it is not an owl. My ex-girlfriend believed it to be a penguin, and her stubbornness on the matter greatly contributed to our separation. Hello, Tracy, penguins aren't even birds. They're warm-blooded. Christ. Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/bird-face-suit.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (AJ Tucker) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tucker-iss-halloween.php ISS Mission Commander AJ Tucker has a long and very distressing history with Halloween. Unfortunately, the Young Astronauts program is celebrating Halloween. Fri, 30 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tucker-iss-halloween.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/season-witch-cochran.php "Halloween III: Season of the Witch" marked a notable departure for the franchise, in that it was not a horror film about a serial killer but instead a documentary about the rise and fall of a colorful toy magnate. Something Awful has a treat for you: An interview with that movie's controversial central figure, Conal Cochran. Thu, 29 Oct 2009 03:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/season-witch-cochran.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cavelife-facebook-game.php Josh says to heck with the surface world! He's headin' underground to start anew in CaveLife, the fun new game where you get your own virtual cave to decorate with awesome stalagmites and more! Play free now! Wed, 28 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cavelife-facebook-game.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Johnny "DocEvil" Titanium) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-24.php Your heavenly dad (me) is ready to have his story blossom into the big screen sure to be a block buster....!! Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-24.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Stan Freeman, CIA) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/black-cia-operative.php African-American black ops agent Stan Freeman has had just about enough of his bosses and coworkers at the CIA. Mon, 26 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/black-cia-operative.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/indie-games-preview.php The last few years have been good for independent games and incredible for bullshit indie games. If you can combine a slightly altered version of fl0w with a gameplay mechanic from another game you didn't make, you're golden. Incorporate some vague symbolism and/or text that tries way too hard to be clever and you're this week's game of the year. Sat, 24 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/indie-games-preview.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/military-comic-afghanistan.php Those crack-me-up troops from the US Military are at it again and up to their same old hijinks in an all new war. Rejoin GI Army Funnies as they deploy to Afghanistan. Fri, 23 Oct 2009 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/military-comic-afghanistan.php bobservo@somethingawful.com ("Spooky" Steve Whorter) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/halloween-albums-review.php Spooky Steve dishes the dirt on this season's spookiest sound effects CDs! Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/halloween-albums-review.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/animocracy-in-action.php For you see, Jerry, I had a revelation. What came to me was the idea for a perfect utopian society, one where people live according to tenets put forth by the wisest characters from manga and anime. It's better than democracy, Jerry. It's animocracy. Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/animocracy-in-action.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/being-a-genius.php When a genius looks at a tree, he instantly takes in not just its natural beauty but its scientific complexity: the ornate fractal patterns of its branches; the inscrutable calculus of its emotions; the gentle hissing of its photosynthesis. A genius like me has upwards of four thoughts about a tree before he even leans in to take a bite of it. Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/being-a-genius.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Your Neighbor Doug) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/pedantic-complaints.php A gangbang can be a great thing, but even great things have flaws. Let's acknowledge those flaws and that way we can make a great thing (gangbangs) even greater. Mon, 19 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/pedantic-complaints.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Keith) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/keith-tie-afghan.php Keith's Emporium is open with the newest style in wool ties Sun, 18 Oct 2009 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/keith-tie-afghan.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/balloon-boy.php Balloon Boy, when the wreckage of your balloon was discovered without you, the breaths of millions caught at the exact same moment. It was 9/11 all over again. It was Pearl Harbor and the assassination of JFK and the release of Spore all rolled into one. From riveted enthusiasm to heartbreak in mere seconds. Sat, 17 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/balloon-boy.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/kafir-clowe-painting.php A Megan Fox obsession and a bowling team are threatened by one man's torrid romance with a tiny-faced waitress at the bowling alley. Fri, 16 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/kafir-clowe-painting.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/skeleton-black-snow.php Johnny, we would like to talk to you about your drawings. No, no, they're not bad. They're very impressive. We just have some... questions. Thu, 15 Oct 2009 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/skeleton-black-snow.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/boruff-davies-catalogue4.php Prior to the invention of modern conveniences such as malls, the Internet, and /pizza, man had to rely on mail-order catalogs to acquire vital supplies. As it happens, my family happened to run one of the most successful of these catalogs, and provided a developing nation with tools, clothes, seeds, and countless other essential items. Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/boruff-davies-catalogue4.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Johnny "DocEvil" Titanium) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-23.php The results are in!!!! Your dear old dad attended the wedding and met the GREG FAMILY. What a time Tue, 13 Oct 2009 03:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-23.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/democrat-complaint-box.php Democrats finally get the chance to anonymously voice their complaints in a display of gutless whining. Mon, 12 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/democrat-complaint-box.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/public-domain-dante.php Aside from the game's deep space setting, Dead Space had a lot in common with Event Horizon. Both borrowed heavily from big titles that came before them, both were so we well-executed that they overcame their potential to be completely forgettable, and both were set in deep space. Sat, 10 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/public-domain-dante.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (AJ Tucker) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tucker-moon-lcross.php ISS Mission Commander Lt. Col. AJ Tucker is become death, destroyer of moons. He explains the LCROSS moon exploder mission to grade school kids. Fri, 09 Oct 2009 03:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tucker-moon-lcross.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/against-monster-breeding.php Jump into the Something Awful time machine and visit an era where people had a less enlightened view about monster-on-monster love. Thu, 08 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/against-monster-breeding.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/david-thorpe-brother.php By now many of you have read David Thorpe's recent article about me. At the end of his diatribe, he practically begged me to fire back and play his silly games. Instead, I want to write about something positive. Quite simply, David Thorpe is my friend. He's a great guy with a terrific brother. A really, really great brother. Wed, 07 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/david-thorpe-brother.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/truth-josh-boruff.php To regular readers of this site, Joshua "Livestock" Boruff is the familiar byline on dozens of your favorite columns on fur trapping, mars colonization and dogblogging. What's less familiar, however, is the substance of the man. The bizarre truth of his existence is so morbidly fascinating that the journalist in me can't hold back any longer... Tue, 06 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/truth-josh-boruff.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/douchebag-electronic-cigarettes.php Are you a douchebag? Do you like things made specifically for douchebags? Then welcome to Douchebag Gear. This week we review electronic cigarettes. Mon, 05 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/douchebag-electronic-cigarettes.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/finger-drumming.php What the hell are you doing? Drumming? No you aren't. You're just bashing your fat fingers against your steering wheel. Stop it. Stop it forever. Sun, 04 Oct 2009 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/finger-drumming.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/power-chair-strength.php I was just like you once. Had Lupus. Was a 'person of interest' in a series of drive-thru window robberies. Then I got the Power Chair, and everything changed. Sat, 03 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/power-chair-strength.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (AJ Tucker) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tucker-astronaut-nerds.php Astronaut Lt. Col. AJ Tucker profiles the crew of the International Space Station and responds to a questionnaire from grade school kids back home. Fri, 02 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tucker-astronaut-nerds.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Billy Topkins, Intro to English) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/scapegoat-solution-sineater.php America faces serious economic and cultural problems. I have a solution, but it requires goats. Lots of goats. Thu, 01 Oct 2009 06:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/scapegoat-solution-sineater.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/ben-franklin-inventions.php In the annals of history, few men have had as great and lasting an impact on the human condition as Benjamin Franklin. If we were to get specific and name those other few men, they would be Imhotep, Caligula, Robert Oppenheimer, and Jakob Dylan respectively. But this article is not about them. This article is dedicated to Ben Franklin. Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/ben-franklin-inventions.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Johnny "DocEvil" Titanium) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-22.php I have important news about your idiot sister who bungled it and is now engaged to a loaf of crud named GREG. Tue, 29 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-22.php