Fri, 19 Mar 2010 10:00:00 +0000 The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds. http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/index.php en-us radium@somethingawful.com webmaster@somethingawful.com http://i.somethingawful.com/core/sa_logo_144.png http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/index.php 144 42 zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/veronica-siwik-daniels.php The horny text messages of Tiger Woods have been exposed by porn star and former lover Joslyn James. Now we bring you her side of the conversation! Fri, 19 Mar 2010 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/veronica-siwik-daniels.php mobute.sese.seko@gmail.com (Mobutu Sese Seko) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/twoandahalfmen-mobutu.php Nobody needs to point out how much 'Two and a Half Men' sucks, but CollegeHumor went ahead and tried too hard anyway. 'Two and a Half Men' could have done it for them. All they needed to do was strip out the laugh track, maybe add some music to make all the dead air seem less weird, then make people watch the show. Here, try it on for size! Thu, 18 Mar 2010 01:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/twoandahalfmen-mobutu.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dog-classifieds7.php AFTER 11 PROFOUND YEARS of loving friendship, my dog Gustavo is leaving me. He has insisted I write this ad, as he would like to live with somebody "who listens and truly hears." I don't know why he is doing this to me. Please forgive my crying when you call. 555-2589 Wed, 17 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dog-classifieds7.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Johnny "DocEvil" Titanium) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tweet-is-sick.php SMH with the best, or ignore Twitter entirely like the rest! Tue, 16 Mar 2010 02:30:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/tweet-is-sick.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/knife-sword-blade.php Arm yourself with a full lesson in weapons + technique to defend yourself from intruders in the home or office or attackers on mean streets. Never be caught unprepared again after you see these deadly implements. Mon, 15 Mar 2010 04:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/knife-sword-blade.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/food-network-diversity.php Bobby Flay adopts a tough guy persona so he can scowl or act unimpressed in lieu of thinking of something interesting to say. I would make fun of him for doing this, but it's exactly how I would get through life if my grumpy face didn't lead people to ask if I'm about to cry. Sat, 13 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/food-network-diversity.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Buddy Breaux, Sing Pappy) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cajun-justin-bieber.php Tween heartthrob Justin Bieber's bad behavior lands him in bayou country, where professional Acadian Sing Pappy Buddy Breaux teaches singing and gentlemanly behavior at the behest of music mogul Usher. Fri, 12 Mar 2010 05:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cajun-justin-bieber.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (The Utah Fetus Advisory Board) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/utah-fetus-regulations.php Discover Utah's efforts to make pregnancy into the world's worst escort mission. Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/utah-fetus-regulations.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/celebrity-stalker-oscars.php Bursting with the latest celebrity sightings from the Oscar after-parties! What's got Goldblum so captivated? How is Bridges celebrating his big win? Is Robert Pattinson as handsome as we assume? All these questions and more get asked! Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/celebrity-stalker-oscars.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/vhs-tapes-sale.php I've run into a little bit of financial trouble, so instead of an article this week I'm just selling a ton of my old VHS tapes. Most of them are in pretty good condition unless specified, and some of these movies are pretty rare. Look within for GREAT DEALS! Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/vhs-tapes-sale.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/oscars-red-carpet.php Kathy Ireland is becoming some sort of giant-necked automaton for asking people on red-carpets questions about their shirts. Mon, 08 Mar 2010 05:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/oscars-red-carpet.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/choose-dew.php You have one hour to find enough Mountain Dew to charge you through an intense videogame session. Are you a bad enough dude to do whatever it takes to get energized? Sun, 07 Mar 2010 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/choose-dew.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Bhutt Prefarte) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/mutant-league-combine.php Hi folks, Bhutt Prefarte here. If you'd like to know which mutants made the biggest splash (or squish, in some cases) with the Mutant League scouts, you've come to the right place! Sat, 06 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/mutant-league-combine.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/ebay-critique-painting.php We find art for under five bucks and show you the deals. You buy the art and impress your friends with your incredible taste. Even bad art deserves a good home. Fri, 05 Mar 2010 04:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/ebay-critique-painting.php wormmiller@gmail.com (Worm Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/somalia-earthquake-satire.php Something Awful correspondent Worm Miller sat down with the country's leaders to discuss this unprecedented news. Thu, 04 Mar 2010 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/somalia-earthquake-satire.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/kid-classifieds.php DEMONIC CHILD has the power to make pets commit suicide. Caused cat to gorge herself to death on own hair, and our beloved dog to bury himself alive. Otherwise very friendly, gets good grades. Great for pet-free home. 555-9528 Wed, 03 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/kid-classifieds.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Johnny "DocEvil" Titanium) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-31.php My bumbling boss won't help me launch my dessert delight!! Tue, 02 Mar 2010 02:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-31.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (The 700 Club's Biblical Geologist) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/pat-robertson-chile.php A detailed scientific study of Corinthians and Matthew yields proof that the Chilean quake was related to homosexual tectonics - the most sinful sort of seismic activity. Mon, 01 Mar 2010 05:30:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/pat-robertson-chile.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/chainsaw-life-improvement.php I'm enjoying a romantic dinner with a sensual lady. I'm in my tux, she's in one of those playboy bunny outfits. I make her laugh deeply with captivating tales of instant messaging with Lowtax. The whimsical brick-a-brack adorning the restaurant's walls seem to swirl around us in a manifestation of the whirlwind love that is blossoming. Sat, 27 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/chainsaw-life-improvement.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/big-man-balls.php If your balls start hurting and you're a real man, a big man, then you may be surprised to know that a single dose of Big Man Aspirin could save your balls' life. Fri, 26 Feb 2010 04:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/big-man-balls.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/lnmc-xkcd-parody.php Sick of web comics that don't appeal to your superior intelligence? Your cultured sense of taste? Your vast insecurity over being swirlied every day for four whole years? Loser Nerd Math Comics is here to help. Thu, 25 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/lnmc-xkcd-parody.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/kennel-fair-rejections.php It is with a heavy heart that I deliver this most unpleasant news. Garmonbozia, your beloved Bluetick Coonhound, will not be advancing to the next round in our Kennel Fair Dog Pageant. While the dog excelled in virtually every category, we were uncomfortable with one extremely unsettling physical characteristic: his complete set of human teeth. Wed, 24 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/kennel-fair-rejections.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/district-bulletin-commendation.php In which Dorroile-- though still regarded as the worst guy in the world forever-- is reluctantly commended for an act of uncharacteristic valor: protecting a manlet from heckling. Tue, 23 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/district-bulletin-commendation.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/pride-prejudice-zombies.php Quirk Classics, the publisher of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, announces their upcoming public domain mash-up masterpieces. Mon, 22 Feb 2010 04:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/pride-prejudice-zombies.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/rockman.php The only thing harder than Rock Mans craggy exterior is his day to day life. Sun, 21 Feb 2010 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/rockman.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/champion-motivational-disclaimer.php Due to recent developments dogfighting will no longer be part of the event, but audience members are still encouraged to starve their pets. Sat, 20 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/champion-motivational-disclaimer.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/barely-read-news.php I have barely read the news. Really, only had time for a quick skim. Now Im aggregating it for a blog so you can repeat what Im repeating. Fri, 19 Feb 2010 04:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/barely-read-news.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/kansas-city-failure.php Sometimes I feel pretty depressed about my lonely, pathetic life. But then I put things in perspective. I remind myself that I live in Kansas City, and like all things within this metropolitan area, I'm predisposed to inexorable failure. Then I shrug off personal responsibility and resign myself to the next humiliating outrage! Thu, 18 Feb 2010 08:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/kansas-city-failure.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/hubrisol-information.php Certain side effects may occur, including flash fingernail growth, inverted hearing, slick jowls, runny mouth, night tinkles, intermittent gulping, frownies, involuntary hooting, double diarrhea, sleep wheezing, greasy palms, diminished magnificence, oral burpies, and RAGE! Wed, 17 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/hubrisol-information.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Johnny "DocEvil" Titanium) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/kevin-smith-southwest.php Country Hasn't Yet Realized It's More About "Celebrity Pride" Than Anything Else Tue, 16 Feb 2010 02:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/kevin-smith-southwest.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/president-roosevelt-bully.php Did you know there was a President between Teddy Roosevelt and William Howard Taft? This is the true story of America's forgotten President. Mon, 15 Feb 2010 04:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/president-roosevelt-bully.php maclethalzzz@gmail.com (Mac Lethal) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/mac-lethal-potions.php Mac Lethal has released five "Love Potion" mixtapes, but he saved his best recipes for this special Valentine's Day update! Warning: These potions are pretty bitter. Sat, 13 Feb 2010 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/mac-lethal-potions.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/sybaris-mike-tyson.php Mike Tyson has recovered the mansion he abandoned in 1990 and is putting it to good use this Valentine's Day as a Sybaris romantic suites getaway. Fri, 12 Feb 2010 05:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/sybaris-mike-tyson.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/youre-all-fired.php You're fired. All of you. Thu, 11 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/youre-all-fired.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/rustlr-bachelor-party.php Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop while travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail. This week the posse attends to the bachelor party of Tall James McGinley, who may have found himself true love. Wed, 10 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/rustlr-bachelor-party.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (Dr. David Thorpe) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/pet-classifieds.php SUPERB OWL acquired two days ago due to a misprinted party invitation. Tried one wing with buffalo sauce; meaty but too gamy. 555-4682 Tue, 09 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/pet-classifieds.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Don Larry Patriot Report (USA PATRIOT TOUGH)) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/obama-disrespect-patriot.php Oh no he PresiDIDNT. Yes, I am afraid he did (1) disrespect the flag and our troops (2) insult world leaders (3) demean america (4) wear sandals with no socks on a sidewalk. Mon, 08 Feb 2010 04:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/obama-disrespect-patriot.php salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Sport Expert) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/bowl-predictions.php Expert Analysis on the Big Game by an Expert Analyzer. Sun, 07 Feb 2010 01:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/bowl-predictions.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/ipad-deathbed-blog.php Honestly, I thought quicksand was made up for the movies. I didn't think it was real, just as I didn't think Apple would really release a tablet without an integrated stylus for handwriting recognition or some sort of unique operating system that would take full advantage of the device's capabilities. Sat, 06 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/ipad-deathbed-blog.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (J.G. Ballard) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/ballard-toyota-crash.php Famed and deceased science fiction author J.G. Ballard stops by to write about the sweeping Toyota recall. Erotically. Fri, 05 Feb 2010 04:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/ballard-toyota-crash.php garbageday@somethingawful.com (Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/readingtime-dick-tracy.php Stevie gets a visit from the king of cosmetic camouflage. Thu, 04 Feb 2010 03:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/readingtime-dick-tracy.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dog-classifieds6.php FOR SALE: TWO GREYHOUNDS. Dogs are not capable of running anymore after I tried experiment of tethering them to a racehorse in hopes of inventing real life podracing. Horse was too fast and dogs couldn't keep up, but couldn't stop either. Call for price. 555-8230 Wed, 03 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dog-classifieds6.php docevil@somethingawful.com (Johnny "DocEvil" Titanium) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-30.php HELLO!!! Your estranged father here, I am writing to tell you about my upcoming court cases where I will win big and eat like a prince. Tue, 02 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/roamin-dad-30.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/raccoon-invaders-battle.php 2009 was a bad year in my war against raccoons. Now I must use the long winter to recover and prepare for next year's battles. Mon, 01 Feb 2010 04:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/raccoon-invaders-battle.php ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/spartacus-blood-historical.php You might think the new series Spartacus: Blood And Sand is a mix between the slow-motion green-screened bare-chested violence of 300, the cgi blood from the 2008 installment of Rambo and the, well, everything else of HBO's Rome minus the good writing and acting and historical accuracy. Sat, 30 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/spartacus-blood-historical.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (E.G. Branftsforfths-Fiffifths) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/revenge-poors-acorn.php Poors are multiplying at a suspicious rate. What might they be planning? We must act to prevent them from taking over. Fri, 29 Jan 2010 04:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/revenge-poors-acorn.php bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/greetings-broken-robots.php These gently-used robots need a new home. Will it be yours? Thu, 28 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/greetings-broken-robots.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/kennel-fair-hairbank.php As you are well aware, your dog Hairbank is a hideous, ungodly thing. He is a beast of unbridled malevolence and the monster that stares back from the abyss. Everything about his appearance and behavior stands in perverted defiance to the noble standards Kennel Fair seeks to uphold and champion. Wed, 27 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/kennel-fair-hairbank.php davidthorpe@somethingawful.com (David Thorpe and Jed Kirchner) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/urban-dictionary-entries.php Over the last ten years, Urban Dictionary has become the internets most trusted source for street slang, retarded inside jokes and non-existent sexual terminology. This week, Jed Kirchner and David Thorpe delve into its murky to uncover the worst of the bad. Tue, 26 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/urban-dictionary-entries.php zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/iraq-bomb-detector.php Cute Iraqi checkpoint with a few extra pounds is looking for a bomb, preferably strapped to your chest, but in the trunk is okay. Weird British contraption not working. Please don't blow up! Mon, 25 Jan 2010 05:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/iraq-bomb-detector.php