Wed, 16 Mar 2011 05:00:00 +0000 There's an easy solution to every problem: Complain to the town's mayor. en-us radium@somethingawful.com webmaster@somethingawful.com http://i.somethingawful.com/core/sa_logo_144.png 144 42 livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dear-mayor-clawmen.php We should have never have let you go to that fancy big city mayor's conference, because you brought back their big city problems like Clawmen, who are so hell-bent on clawing everything in sight they can't be reasoned with. Wed, 16 Mar 2011 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dear-mayor-clawmen.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/mayor-hairy-men.php Mr. Mayor, if you're not going to have the thousands of little hairy men plaguing our streets arrested, could you at least have them provided with diapers or underwear. I'm tired of seeing their disproportionately large genitalia flailing around while they spit and jump up and down. Wed, 06 Apr 2011 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/mayor-hairy-men.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dear-mayor-monolith.php Dear Mr. Mayor, I am a deeply spiritual person with a strong devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ. That monolith challenges what I know and believe in my heart, so I am asking your permission to shoot the monolith and shoot it dead. I have a gun, I have good aim, and I am a firm believer. Wed, 19 Oct 2011 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dear-mayor-monolith.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/death-fog-mayor.php Mr. Mayor, have you noticed the horrible fog outside enveloping the entire town? You know, the fog thats as thick as soup and hard to walk around in and the one with the primordial monsters that appear out of nowhere to grab people away? I have, and I dont care for it one bit. Wed, 09 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/death-fog-mayor.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dear-mayor-pirates.php Dear Mr. Mayor, I've been trying very hard to see the positives of having a crew of murderous ghost pirates sailing around town in a ship that can move through solid objects and cannot be damaged by bullets. I've thought long and I've thought hard, Mr. Mayor. The simple fact is I don't see any good coming out of this situation. Wed, 08 Feb 2012 00:00:00 -0600 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dear-mayor-pirates.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/mayor-ominous-child.php Mr. Mayor, If it's a lack of nerve that's keeping you from dealing with this demonic child, I have enough for the both of us. I'll do what needs to be done. Just give me a large flamethrower and plenty of space to do what I do best. It won't be like the last time either. I've got new glasses. Wed, 04 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/mayor-ominous-child.php livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff) http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dear-mayor-siren.php The men in this town have no decency. I used to think there were some upstanding gentlemen here, but now every man from here to Welpsburg is tearing his clothes off and acting mad as all get out in that fountain. I don't see what's so special about that young lady's singing. It makes my ears hurt. Wed, 25 Jul 2012 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/dear-mayor-siren.php