This week: Fire sale, important announcement, and Halloween safety tips.


State Og Fire Sale!

The times are crazy folks and that means it's time for a State Og TOTAL LIQUIDATION SALE!! Everything in our Sand City, Utah facility absolutely must go in the next week! What does this mean for you? Brain-explodingly good bargains and groin pulsingly low prices!!! Your jaw will fly off and shoot into the sun these prices are so good!! Your eyes will bug clean out of your skull and rent a new skull in Florida and not EVEN WRITE HOME!!!!

Bargains! Bargains! Bargains!! That's what we've got for you at the Sand City, Utah State Og ordinance proving grounds and hazardous material disposal bunker. Our prices are so low they passed completely through the earth's core, emerged on the other side and were elected MAYOR OF ALL OF CHINA!!!!

We've got:

  • Surface to air missiles so cheap that you'd think you were buying sheets of FILTHY PAPER!
  • Demolition charges so explodingly awesome that they can blow completely through TEN DONKEYS!!! Buy six and receive a free "With Stupid" blast helmet.
  • Mobile Intercontinental Missile Launch Vehicles. Capable of reaching ALL THE WAY TO THE MID-EAST from the comfort of your own home. These suckers are so hot THEY'RE COOL!!!
  • Ak47s that absolutely have got to go! We've baked too many and we can't have them just sitting in padded crates of fifty waiting to get moldy!
  • Plastic pistols!!! We must have traveled to the future and brought back a few hundred of these incredible plastic pistols. They are immune to silly metal detectors and can be stripped down into 8 easy-to-swallow pieces. Buy three and get a free camera-shaped C4 carrying case. Lead-lined so nosey neighborhood snoops can't see inside!
  • Poorly Sealed Steel Drums of Gamma Anthrax!! We're not talking about your lame-o garden variety cutaneous anthrax either; this is prime, Grade-A, inhalation anthrax!! This price is so low it will definitely give you fever, chills, joint stiffness, muscle ache and nausea! And these low prices are resistant to antibiotic therapy!!!
  • 55 metric tons of volatile fertilizer. These savings are EXPLOSIVE!!!
  • Wacky gag passports! These hilarious forged documents will allow you to travel in side-splitting anonymity!!!

That's not all!!! In fact that is so far away from "all" that if it shouted all wouldn't even hear what it yelled A MILLION YEARS LATER. Even if it could throw its voice.

We've also got the return bin. Normally State Og does not accept returns, but in certain cases where we might be held culpable for endangering human lives or destroying a small island, we allow an item to be returned. Which just means more savings! That's RIGHT! These bargain bin items are so cheap that it's like we strapped 500lbs of Savings to a Fantastic Savings missile and fired it into the sun. THE SAVINGS SUN!!

Recently discounted so low that we should be PUT TO DEATH by the state of Texas:

  • We have over 50,000 misprinted t-shirts that were recently returned by a non-profit organization. These 50/50 cotton poly blend t-shirts have "AIDS is super..." on the front and "dangerous, so use protection" on the back. THESE SHIRTS ARE SO HIP DOCTORS ARE TRYING TO INSTALL THEM IN THE ELDERLY!!!!
  • Severed human fingers! We don't know where they came from, we don't know where they're going, but we do know THESE THINGS ARE A LOT OF FUN AT A LOW PRICE!!!
  • A jammed WWII era Chinese machinegun. This INCREDIBLE collector's piece was returned to us by its previous owner and we think it jammed WHILE FIRING AT ABRAHAM LINCOLN!!
  • Seven pickled jumbo shrimp. SOMEONE returned the uneaten portion TO PASS THE SOUL SHATTERING SAVINGS ON TO YOU!!!!!!!
  • All of the nuclear effluent you could ever dream of!! All courtesy of the State Og Fission Fun Room, where we smash atoms in the name of YOUR BOTTOM LINE!!

Stop by now and receive a free GRAB BAG!!! Who knows what's inside? It could be diamonds fresh from Antwerp or it could be HORRIBLE STINGING INSECTS!!! We don't know, because it's inside a brown paper bag with a question mark drawn on it in black marker. The only thing you can be sure of is that it contains 100% uncut Colombian SAVINGS. If you purchase more than two-hundred dollars worth of State Og's painfully inexpensive merchandise you will receive an ADVANCED GRAB BAG, which features a dollar sign in place of a question mark on the side and contains TWICE AS MUCH MYSTERY!!!

Don't forget to bring the kids as we have thousands of unused grenades for them to play with in the BARGAIN BLAST CRATER near the observation bunker.

 
 
***NOTICE TO RESIDENTS OF HOT SPRINGS, MONTANNA***

State Og's Hot Springs testing facility will be activating its Lava Rammer for the first time late in the evening of the 7th of October. While we cannot divulge the specifications for this device because of the double risks of industrial espionage and reverse engineering, we would like to assure the citizens of Hot Springs that the hour-long shrieking sound is perfectly safe. Thick clouds of black smoke may be carried into the city if prevailing winds are conducive to pushing the smoke Westward. This smoke is harmless as long as you have taken the precautions issued by the local Emergency Broadcast System. For additional protection, State Og Cyanide Gas Rebreathers can be purchased at the State Og outlet for the low price of $99.95. As always, State Og has your best interests at heart, and we will do everything within our power to reduce the damage to the ecosystem during this time of crisis precipitated by the test activation of the Lava Rammer. Please remain calm, your sacrifice will be remembered.

 
 

State Og Halloween Safety Tips

Halloween can be the most dangerous time of the year for your little immature larvae, and State Og is very concerned about how they fare on the mean streets of America. We've asked our fatality experts to provide safety tips for you and your hideous wailing flesh spawn this Halloween so that as few of your family members as possible are reduced to a pinkish meat paste spread out across the blood drenched asphalt. After running a battery of tests on child-sized monkeys (or monkey-sized children, we forget) we have empirically determined the "Dos" and "Don'ts" of Trick or Treating.

DO: Place a high-impact crash helmet on your child, complete with flame-retardant cowl and Kevlar-weave poncho.

DON'T: Fire a 100lb tungsten rod through your child's brain using compressed air.

DO: Make sure your child is coated with Acetylmethyl-9 incandescent glow paint so that he or she can be spotted in the inky black cloak of abyssal night.

DON'T: Expose your child's torso to protracted high-frequency microwave radiation bombardment.

DO: Advise your child about the dangers of talking to strangers who wear white lab coats and attempt to strap them in a steel-frame launch chair and propel them at high speeds into a cinder-block wall.

DON'T: Subject your child to four-hundred atmospheres of pressure inside a pressure chamber. If you do, be sure to place them inside a high tensile strength polymer bag, as their organs may rupture violently spraying fluids all over the inside of your pressure chamber.

DO: Warn your child not to play with high-voltage Tesla coils.

DON'T: Inject 5 liters of oxygen into your child's carotid artery.

DO: Inform your child about the high quality and overall value of State Og products.

DON'T: Purchase costumes from Wal-Mart, who refuses to carry State Og merchandise despite pending approval by the FDA. We cannot guarantee your safety if you purchase costumes from Wal-Mart. They may contain brutal stabbings.

DO: Equip your child with a State Og "Blast Zapper" personal refractive shield.

DON'T: Set the shield to "inverse sublimate". This is clearly described in the "Blast Zapper" instructions and may result in the dissipation of your child's carbon atoms.

DO: Have fun, because that's what Halloween is all about!

DON'T: Have too much fun. You may catch fire.

Remember kids; Halloween was invented by State Og Marketing Vice President Hal Olenbaum in 1930. Celebration of Halloween without the express written consent of State Og is a violation of federal copyright laws. Transgressors will be persecuted to the full extent of our search and destroy teams.

– Zack

More State Og

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.