This week: "Norton Virus", New Computer Benchmarks, Death Ratings, LSD-Induced Pranks.


State Og is once again bravely venturing into the software industry! We're getting ready to release a new set of benchmark utilities which are aimed at evaluating the performance of various user hardware. Here's a brief lineup of the products we are developing and what functions they will serve:

  • CPU speed: We are working on a new performance benchmark called the "crotch" test, which evaluates the speeds of various CPUs by seeing how many times they can print the word "crotch" on Microsoft Notepad. This test, while somewhat ineffective and unreliable, also has a tendency to lock up your computer and corrupt important registry information. However, the program's somewhat inexpensive. It's called "tradeoffs", look it up, jerk.
  • Modem speed: "WhoreNet" will check your modem speed by seeing how much porn can be downloaded from various pay websites (credit card required) in a period of time. Since we don't want the user to have all their hard drive space taken up with this filthy material, the pictures will be transferred to official State Og headquarters in beautiful Kyossett City, New Jersey. We do this because we care for you.
  • CD-ROM speed: A piece of salami is inserted into your CD-ROM drive and the time that it takes for your computer to catch fire is recorded.
  • "Resistance to Gravity" speed: Computer is thrown off the roof of a Dairy Queen. The time it takes to hit the ground is recorded. This value is useful to know for when you're working on a big important project for your boss on the roof of a Dairy Queen and you need to suddenly jump off the edge because maybe there's some terrorists chasing you or you're on drugs.
  • Video Display speed: Various pleasing colors and shapes are quickly displayed on your screen to check the refresh rate of your monitor. These pretty patterns and lights will calm you into a peaceful state of relaxation, leaving you totally vulnerable for the hypnotic subliminal messages that will be sent. Don't take our word for it - just ask our legion of brain dead zombie beta testers who will kill at our command!
 
 

And speaking of computer crap, State Og is proud to announce a new utility along the lines of best-selling "Norton Antivirus". Our product, named "Norton Virus", will infect your computer with a small but powerful virus which can only be combated by purchasing a combination of various expensive State Og software / hardware / food preparation products, or by running the State Og "Resistance to Gravity" test on your computer. We hope that the kind people at Norton Utilities Inc. will not ask us to change the name of this product, but even if they do we have a backup plan: we'll change the name to "Nort0n Virus".

 
 

Ratings were the highest ever for last week's State Og news series entitled, "The Things in Your House That May Kill You". We got a .12 share on the Neilson ratings, narrowly edging out the reruns of "Mama's Family" on Channel 67 at 3 am. Our news report focused on various furniture and other objects that most people foolishly put in their house, unaware of the potential "death rating" associated with them. For those of you who missed the report, here's a condensed list of the most dangerous things you can own, and the chances of them killing you (known as the "Death Rating"):

OBJECT - DEATH RATING:

  • Bowl of oranges .001
  • Cursed handkerchief .017
  • Box of oily, gasoline soaked rags .020
  • Really pointy baby Jesus statuette .082
  • Bowl of oranges (poisoned) .118
  • Hypnotic Elvis poster .191
  • Evil ventriloquist dummy .263
  • Ron Popeil's "Knife N Soda" drink .329
  • Bed mattress filled with cobras .447
  • Satanic mirror .679
  • Lit fireworks next to gas heater .711
  • Angry hobo living in basement .722
  • Acid-spraying sprinkler system .780
  • Hair curler anal probe .812
  • VX Nerve Gas respirator .952
  • Ron Popeil's "Death Ray Lamp" .992
  • House is located in California .997.
 
 

Wicker, wicker, wicker, who's got the wicker? Evidently not Mary Bizban, who, after finding out somebody entered her in the "State Og's House of Pain" contest, locked herself inside a Jiffy Lube, chained to a Coke machine. It took authorities 13 hours to free and return her to the State Og "Brainwashing Facility." After three grueling days our experts were able to convince her she was a child molester on the run from the Police. Her husband can barely notice the difference!

 
 

The answers to last week's "Brain Stumper Super Challenge" are as follows:

  • PROTEIN
  • LORENZO LLAMAS
  • 16 mgs
  • CALZONES
  • YOUR MOTHER
  • 68.2984
  • TO THE RIGHT
  • PASS GAS, THEN FAKE INJURY
  • MATERIAL GIRL
  • LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD
  • STD
  • WORMY'S, and
  • NAVEL LINT
To all those who got the correct answers: You cheated!!!
 
 

State Og has begun what we hope will be one of the coolest game shows on the planet! The show is called "Farm0" and is hosted by "Natalie" from Facts of Life. The contestants have to solve a Rubick's Cube by taking it apart and putting it back together, just like 8 million Americans did in the mid 80’s. The winner gets a billion dollars. The runners-up get to choose from a table full of items picked up at garage sales in Sacramento, CA. Some items include: a partially smashed dolphin with the visible logo "San Die o," a nice necktie with a small ‘scorched’ area on it, tons of used exercise equipment, and some lobster-shaped abortion tools. And how is one declared the winner? Well, only Natalie can tell you! (Hint: don’t drink the champagne!)

 
 

Zaniness is next to Godliness! State Og prank o' the week: carpenter and father of two Stanly James of New Rochelle, Iowa, had NO IDEA he would be the victim of our prank! And we here at State Og are proud to say that this was our best prank EVER! First we installed tiny speakers in Stanley's shower and bedroom. Whenever Stanley went to bed or went to use the bathroom, we would quietly chant through the speakers, "They plot against you Stanley, they're ALL against you". Then phase two of our plan went into action: we spiked Stanley's water supply with a unique combination of caffeine and LSD, turning him into a veritable homicidal maniac! But we didn't stop there! Soon we kidnapped his children (don't worry, they're "safe") and lobbed Molotov cocktails at his car one day when he was trying to escape from the army of knife- wielding magicians that we hired to hide in his home! We STILL laugh when we think about the look he had in his eyes after we told him it was just a harmless prank, and we're sure Stanley is laughing about it at the New Rochelle Mental Mental Institute. But what happened to his children? Don't worry, they're A-OK... we sold them into the underground white slave trade for 38 dollars and a pack of condoms!

 
 

State Og has switched from our awfully unsuccessful "Computer Literacy for the Homeless" program (which resulted in the beatings of 12 State Og employees) to a new, more upbeat "Homeless Catapult" program. This nonprofit service will feature State Og funding and constructing huge catapults which we will strap the homeless to. Once buckled in, they will be thrown hundreds of feet into the air and over the gates of a rich person's mansion. When the rich person sees how determined the homeless vagrant was to get in, he will undoubtedly give that person a job to reward his determination. At least that's what we imagined would happen after 2 cases of beer and a joint the size of a small dog.

– Lowtax

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