State Og Biweekly Report: 1-19-2000
State Og would like to announce its new, not-for-profit service, totally free to the public. We know plenty of you have accidentally locked your keys inside your car and had to end up waiting impatiently for the locksmith to arrive and let you in. This is usually a long, tiring, and expensive process. But frankly, we here at State Og don't care. There's plenty of locksmiths you can call when you're locked out of your car... but how many locksmiths can you call when you're locked IN your car? Well, now you can say there's at least one, as State Og is offering a new, completely free service we like to call "Brick Out". Next time you are trapped inside your car, call us at 1-800-STATEOG, and we'll send one of our "specialists" over to help you escape from that death trap by throwing a brick through the driver's side window. The heat in cars can get up to 897 degrees, so you'd better write down our number, 1-800-STATEOG. And as a special bonus, over 10,000 people will receive complimentary "State Og Preventive Care"! Some of our employees will pick vehicles at random, which appear to be "potentially dangerous" or at least contain expensive stereos, and the worker will heave a brick through the window, making SURE that you will NEVER get trapped inside! We like to think of it as giving something back to the community.
Info-mercial guru Ron Popeil, who has recently been nominated for president for selling wonderful, helpful, handy tools, has swooned the hearts and souls of millions since he discovered how to make a quick buck. State Og hasn't seen this kind of devotion since that whole Jim Bakker thing, and this is just crazy! Ron Popeil has hundreds of gimmicks on the market today: Smash-n-Go, MetalFlail, Microwavable Select-a-Dice, and the brand new Sky Burial Kit. So what exactly is this new "Sky Burial Kit"? Mr. Popeil insisted on telling us the details.
It seems that when someone dies, especially someone important like a Tibetan monk, they need to get "removed". The old-fashioned technique of "log flume" just wasn't working good enough. So, Popeil invented the Sky Burial Kit. The kit includes a razor-sharp machete with the Popeil logo and a can of neon pink spray paint. First, hoist the deceased up to a high, flat mountain top. Next, hack the body into small pieces. Put a big pink arrow on the rock surface so that the vultures will find the remains. Run! Seeing the pink spray paint alerts the vultures that hors d'oeurves are served.
"Viola! No more mess!" says inventor, Popeil. When asked what he thinks of his success with all his gimmicks, Popeil responded with a wave of the hand and claimed, "It's a sex and violence thing."
Science... who needs it? State Og Publishing Executive Assistant Grimey McAffee was recently convicted of first degree manslaughter, driving while intoxicated, second degree arson, kidnapping, cruelty to animals, trespassing in a morgue, sledding after hours, disregarding the "Slam Bam" plowhorse law, and sexual assault in a Salt Lake City courthouse. The jurors claimed that videotaped surveillance, eyewitness testimony, DNA samples, fingerprints, and a written confession were all they needed to send McAffee to jail for 34 years, 38 with good behavior. We at State Og would like to make an example of this, to help aid our quest for a justice system based solely on the question, "Has the defendant ever got any of their genitalia trapped in a Panasonic 8 track player?" Unfortunately, McAffee would still be convicted of these crimes under this justice system... but fair is fair, you know?
RP Gee, that's GREAT! After noticing a lack of great, exciting roleplaying games in the computer industry, State Og, in conjunction with Trailmix Entertainment Inc., is getting ready to launch a revolutionary new game aimed at the RPG market... "The Year of the Legend of the Tale of the Fable of the Mysterious Elf That Languishes in Desperate Lament"! This game, which we call "FUM-3" for short, revolves around the adventures of a drunken elf who wanders around the "Wacky Forest". Let's take a look at some of the features of this great new game!
This game looks to be a sure winner in late 2000! But you'd better have plenty of hard drive space, as this wonderful RPG takes up about 4.1 gigs of space (the actual game itself is 33 k's of space, but the uncompressed, six and a half hour wav file theme song takes up the rest). And although a EGA monitor is recommended, a SVGA can be used. So look for "FUM-3" on the shelves this Fall, it's already been called a "Wolfenstein 3-D" killer!
State Og Publishing Executive Steven "Lispy" Lout was recently awarded the prestigious "Frank and Marie Thompson's Award to the Man Who Hasn't Trampled Through Our Beautiful Rose Garden". Frank and Marie also noted that this award has also been presented to over 7,157,291 people as well, with the exception of "that awful Bobby Ferris boy next door".
Congratulations, Steven! Maybe this will help you in your next parole hearing...
Keeping up with our creed to help the homeless whenever possible, State Og is changing our "Handguns For the Homeless" campaign to a newer, more upbeat "Computer Literacy For the Homeless" project. State Og charity workers will go out onto the streets, and attempt to show the homeless how to check their email, access the World Wide Web, and use "Microsoft Word" to create a resume. This program will mostly help the homeless that own computers, but we will draw pictures of the programs and applications on paper to show the people that do not currently possess a PC.
Hilarity hijinx... State Og would like to announce it's new PRANK OF THE WEEK! Here's the gem for this week: We are starting a dating service, 1-800-YOU-LOVE, which offers a free matchmaking service for love stricken young lads and lassies. Well what's so funny about this? When the caller goes to show up for their date at the announced location (behind the Arby's on Corner Avenue), they're greeted by a hail of gunfire and ethnic slurs! Now THAT'S humor! We'll keep you guys posted on the results!
State Og would like to make a correction to last week's "Ask the Whore" column. We made a mistake in the letter "I Have a Small Penis" which was printed as follows:
Dear State Og:
I am a 28 year old man and I have a small penis. I thought at first my penis would eventually grow bigger, but it hasn't so far. I have lost every girlfriend I have ever had once they found out how small my penis is. Sometimes when I go to urinate, it just looks like pee is coming out of thin air. I can have sex with people while they're sleeping and they won't even know it. I am at my wits end, what can I do?
The correction should be as follows:
Apartment 283 Terrace Plaza
Green Hills, KS 37821
We apologize for the error.
Stand up for what you believe in! Staffers at the Wisconsin branch of the State Og offices are taking it no longer! Outraged at the equal rights and opportunities given to the lactose intolerant members of society, they have begun their own grassroots movements against these "freaks of nature". Starting July 5, some State Og workers are planning to "quit work early, get liquored up, and then watch lesbian porn in Steve's basement until one of us vomits blood". We don't know exactly how this will aid you in your campaign, but we're still 100% behind you guys!
In case you read my profile online and got excited, I wanted to clear up any misunderstandings.
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.