The Ogshank Redemption
During the recent electricity crisis in the northeast U.S., State Og's Prison for the Criminally Ugly But Otherwise Completely Innocent of Any Crimes suffered a blackout, causing all electronically sealed gates in the facility to open. We kindly ask that all prisoners who may have accidentally wandered into sweet joyous freedom please return immediately to their incredibly small and dark cells. The first ten prisoners to return will get a second serving of cloudy water at every meal for a week! Thanks this week go to: Jeremy "Darthphunk" Kraemer (America's Most Eligable Bachelor), Aaron "elcyberGoth" Young (Most Eligable Married Man), and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (2nd Most Eligable Otter).
State Og on the Big Screen in 2005!
For the past ten to fifteen minutes, STATE OG has provided consumers with only the highest quality goods and services. Goods and services that bring you joy, excitement and occasionally cause cancer and/or birth defects. How can we possibly make your lives even better? No, no, not a cure for cancer. Hold on to your rainbow socks, because State Og is going to cram the magic of the big screen right down your quivering gullet! That's right! State Og is proud to announce the formation of our new movie studio, State Og Production Associates, LTD, LLC!
We've solicited only the finest filmmakers and screen writers to bring you three spicy-hot talkies for Summer 2005! Big name players like Darren Aranofsky's cousin Steve, Quentin Tarantino's college roommate, and Frank Spielberg and his wife Ginny will spin magical webs of silver screen entertainment that will make you wish you had thirty dollars to buy popcorn and a soda!
Here is an EXCITING review of our EXCITING summer 2005 Lineup! EXCITING!
GAMMA ATTACK FORCE ALPHA - A ragtag group of time traveling line cooks turned C.I.A. agents travel to stop an old timey mad scientist from creating a steam powered doomsday cannon. With the help of a steam powered android and a talking koala bear to guide them, action won't be hard to come by! Starring Steven Segal as Captain Brock McGurk and Christopher Walken as Dr. Science Von Doctorstein.
Kitty Trouble - Little Timmy moved to the big city and accidentally left behind Sprinkles, the adorable family kitten. Sprinkles decides to find Timmy and starts his adventure towards the big city. When a Chinese restaurant cook captures Sprinkles, things begin to look grim! With the help of a steam powered koala bear and a talking android to help him, adventure is sure to be had! Starring Jon Leguizamo as the voice of Sprinkles and Jackie Chan as the voice of Ling Pow.
Gary's Lament - A clown serial rapist with a heart of gold falls in love with Gary, an investment banker who walked down the wrong alley. Torn between his newfound love for Gary, and his love for torn colon, the clown just may learn something about himself. With the help of a koala powered android and a talking steam bear, something happens! Starring Jack Black as Chuckles and the corpse of Mister Rogers as Gary.
There you have it gang! Three blockbusters that will tickle your fancy and nothing else by court order! After you watch these, you'll smell Academy Award!*
*Yes, the Academy Award will smell like pickled eggs and lamp oil.
The Fountain of Youth, Minus the Fountain and Youth
Old age is about to be your unwilling little bitch thanks to State Og! Desiccated sacks of human garbage everywhere no longer need to cower in their homes, waiting for Death to bring sweet release from the long-term effects of whiteout and lead-flavored soft drinks. At last the elderly can step out into the light with confidence and possibly an unobtrusive adult diaper. What allowed this stunning revolution in the way we grow old, you ask? Was it Jesus, you ask? Of course not! It was State Og's brand new Lemon-Scented Anti-Oxidizing Wrinkle Cream!
In a rare occurrence, our scientists and warlocks surpassed expectations with this product, as millions of tiny nanites and goblins go above and beyond their required task of removing wrinkles. When we tested the cream out we found that creases in the skin smoothed out so fast they made tiny "boioioioioioing" sounds, and the miracle didn't stop there! In moments, brittle, gray hairs shifted into a luxurious, undulating mass of snakes. Youthful snakes! What's more, post-testing dissection found that all 17 ovaries were once again in perfect working order! It was a veritable ovum bonanza!
Oddly enough, our fanciful tales of exotic conjoined reptiles and ungodly fertility may not convince some consumers, so we should mention some of the exciting side benefits! Thanks to the unpredictable nature of nanites and zany little goblins not only will thevictimsatisfied user of Lemon-Scented Anti-Oxidizing Wrinkle Cream enjoy a prolonged, if bizarre life, but large pieces of construction equipment will periodically be fashioned out of their ear wax. Throw those Q-Tips away!
Elderlies! Pick up some State Og Lemon-Scented Anti-Oxidizing Wrinkle Cream right now and youth the shit out of yourself! And remember: don't anger the Cream!
Make Your Kids Prisoners of Fun!
We at State Og have our finger on the vivacious pulse of today’s youth and we know what they want in a product. What trendy thing do all the kids want this year? Well, all our research and focus groups agree on one thing: kids want more “Hogan’s Heroes” themed products. That’s right, the late sixties comedy series about survival in a Nazi prisoner of war camp is making a hilarious comeback and its merchandise is going to be the big thing that all the kiddies are going to want crammed under their Christmas trees or piled next to their birthday cakes. Here is just a small sample of our new “Hogan’s Heroes” commodities.
- State Og Representative
Junior’s First Underground Tunnel and Bunker Excavation Kit – Other kids on the block might have tree houses, but what good is that going to do them when they need to hide from the Gestapo? Not much. Our kit includes everything your little child will need to start his own well-hidden subterranean lair from which he can hide from anyone, even you. With your purchase, we’ll even throw in a free book on how to go about setting up diplomatic ties with any underground dwelling societies of humanoids your kid might run into while digging tunnels. With this book your kids will be able to tell the difference between the subterranean humanoids that enjoy eating human flesh and those that don’t, but do so anyways because their dark elder-god commands them to do so.
Apparel – In this day and age Nazi-sympathizers are everywhere, and the last thing you want them to learn about is your kid’s underground base. What would Col. Robert Hogan do to avoid prying eyes if he were digging a new base in your front yard? He’d wear a disguise of course. That’s why we’re now selling child-sized WWII era German uniforms, so your kids can go about their nightly covert actions without drawing the attention of those dirty kraut-loving neighbors of yours. Nobody will think your child is up to no-good as he digs up holes all around your neighborhood while dressed in a sharp looking and finely fitted Wehrmacht uniform. Not only that, our uniforms are so comfortable, your kids will want to wear them all day long -- even to school!
Coffee Pot / Radio Transmitter and Receiver – This innocent looking coffee pot not only acts as a disguised radio transmitter and receiver, it gives a new meaning to the term “crystal radio.” Each of these babies is built around a small shard broken off of the cursed Crystal of Croth’Naggkutnoor, which the Cthulhu worshiping C.H.U.D.s -- living under a neighborhood near you -- will need to awaken, Ugonathbkq, the wicked slumbering God of Torture. Regardless, these units will pick up all your favorite radios stations as clear as a bell, provided your favorite radio stations are broadcasting from Hell.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to eliminate the plague that is humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!