In case you haven't heard, this week is National Don't Celebrate Week. Please remain calm, and don't attempt to smile, or conduct any sudden movements that could be viewed as "dance-like". Thanks this week go to Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (favorite zombie movie: Zombie Beach Party), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (Fast Times At Zombie High).
Tired of those boring, depressing graveyards? Of course you are, who isn't? All that quiet, eerie scenery, and deathly pall is enough to bring anybody down. It's just so funereal. Fortunately, State Og is here to make a difference with the Catacomb Carnival! We converted a spooky old amusement park into a spooky crypt. Lucky folks who are interred with us will spend an eternity in the happiest graveyard on earth! How monsterishly exciting! Hang out with scary rubber bats and creepy actual worms! Socialize with other corpses in our patented Joy Barrels, where 20 to 40 similarly or mostly dead people can mix and mingle and seep onto each other!
Don't think that the Catacomb Carnival is just eternal fun for you; your family will have a ball too! Visits are no longer drab visits with a patch of grass and a rock. Your casket or bucket or closet will be in plain sight, and anybody is free to open it up and have a chat with you, or possibly just cuddle. Not only is this perfect for family members who can't let go, but we'll provide a recording of you making spooky noises to entertain the gang! For some bonus fun, we'll occasionally strap you into one of our funhouses, where you'll pop out at passerby. Yikes!
Some people accuse us of showing little to no regard for the remains of those passed on. We murder those people slowly and feed the bodies to the pigs. However, they do raise a valid point, so maybe we shouldn't have made with the murder and swine. Anyway, (perpetually) rest assured that all bodies stored at the Catacomb Carnival are treated with the utmost respect, and sometimes befriended by our disfigured, lonely cleaning staff. On weekends we load whole groups onto the various roller coasters and tilt-a-whirls; those things are real death traps!
Come down to Catacomb Carnival today and we guarantee that you'll never get out alive!
While You Were In
Prepare to experience prime time joy once again, because the top notch producers at Og TV are at it again! We've stolen one of the hottest trends in television today and given it a much needed Og twist. In no time, pure bliss is going to be literally oozing from the eyeballs of the world! (State Og recommends collecting bliss leakage and storing it in the freezer until medical help arrives)
What we've done is liven up the stuffy home redecoration show concept with While You Were In! On the show a house is picked at random for a remodelling by our crew of talented swishy designers and swarthy pirates. In mere hours they'll turn any old dump into a magical fantasyland of joy and budget furniture! The best part? The home owner gets to watch the whole process!
The first thing our boys do is epoxy the lucky individual to the wall, floor, ceiling, stove or anything else that might be nearby. They'll have the best seat in the house! From that ideal vantage they can watch, almost helplessly, as we tear up every stick of furniture in the place, put linoleum in random places, cut their children into easily stackable cubes, and generally infuse a much needed dose of fabulousness! Entire walls will be cut away in the name of somebody else's standard of beauty, bathtubs will be filled with monkeys and associated droppings, plumbing will be replaced with a fully functional dairy processing plant - the works!
If you want to be a participant on While You Were In, just wait! WE WILL COME FOR YOU.
Life's a Beach
At last, State Og has come up with a product that makes going to the beach so much fun that you can finally stop thinking of the ocean solely as a place to drown yourself. Not only will our miracle product delude you into thinking your miserable life is actually worth living, but it will educate you and all the poor souls you leave in your wake. But how does one go about leaving wakes of destructive enlightenment? Well, it’s easy when you get the new State Og Historical Shark Attack Recreationist Kit. That’s right, the exciting world of historical recreationism isn’t just for Civil War buffs and Battle of Hoth enthusiast anymore, but for you and the unsuspecting participants you choose!
Our new kit includes not only a book listing the time, dates and locations of real shark attacks, but a shark-shaped submersible equipped with mechanical jaws that you manipulate with a controller that fits in your mouth. This controller features advanced force feedback that’s so sensitive you’ll be able enjoy the texture of anything your submersible bites, which will compliment the flavors pumped in from the taste-conducting pores in the submersible’s teeth. When you bite into your first fellow (albeit, unwilling) reenactor, you’ll have so much fun you’ll wonder why sharks don’t eat people more often.
When you use our kit, beach-goers will be thrilled as they initially believe they are witnessing a real shark attack and they’ll be educated after you pop out of your shark submersible and tell them about the historical significance of your actions. If you reenact only one shark attack this year, make sure you use a State Og brand Historical Shark Attack Recreationist Kit!- State Og Representative
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!