State Og Update: 05.29.04

State Og

In this week's episode, Fonzie (Jeremy "Darthphunk" Kraemer) proves his coolness by jumping a ferocious shark (Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson) as a stunned Ralphie Malph (Brett "Nimmo" Hurban) looks on.

PRESS RELEASE - SATE OG CONFECTIONAIRES, LLC.

After tireless research over what seems to be a span of 15 to 20 minutes, the confectionary geniouses at STATE OG CONFECTIONARIES, LLC have come up with a new taste sensation that’s sure to a smile on your face and a lock in your jaw!

STATE OG CONFECTIONARIES, LLC proudly introduces WACKY PENNIES – THE PENNIES YOU CAN SWALLOW… BUT SHOULDN’T!

Little round disks of PURE CANDY SEX! Wacky Pennies are made of a delicious South American imitation chocolate with a fine brownish sugar glaze. These candy-like treasures are cast in a mold made from an ACTUAL REAL LIVE U.S. PENNY! That means Wacky Pennies are virtually INDESTINGUISHABLE from REAL pennies. These Wacky Pennies are so fun, they should be ILLEGAL! (Wacky Pennies are ILLEGAL in Alaska, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, and California)

So buy a whole SACK of Wacky Pennies! Give them as gifts! Leave them lying around your daycare! Give them to toll booth operators and bus drivers!

Wacky Pennies © - They Sorta’ Taste Kinda ’Good! ™

Note to Parents and Physicians- When unsure if a consumer has ingested a regular penny or Wacky Penny, wait 3 to 4 hours and observe symptoms. If consumer complains of crippling stomach cramps, then they have ingested a regular penny. If consumer complains of crippling stomach cramps accompanied by projectile vomiting, temporary blindness and heart palpitations, then they have ingested a Wacky Penny.

Soon Everyone Will Make Way For The New King Of The Sky: You!

Are you in the market for your own private airplane? If so, come down to your nearest State Og dealership and take a look at our new Og BFP-1000 Luxury Plane. Only when you see it will you understand why it’s the only aircraft to be called the “SUV of the sky”!

When we at Og first sat down to design the new BFP-1000, our CEO asked, “What are all the things people want in a private airplane?” Our engineers answered this by listing every possible thing someone could want in a luxurious airplane and added them as standard features. Then our CEO asked, “What do people specifically not want in a plane?” We then added that stuff too. You might not think you need things in an airplane like a saltwater desalinization plant that can produce drinkable water for a small country, but one day you just might be thankful the BFP-1000 has six.

Needless to say our new luxury plane is big. How big is it? Frankly, we don’t know. Every time we send someone to measure one of these damn things they always get lost, never to be heard from again. Maybe they’re still measuring it or maybe they stumbled upon the BFP-1000’s Siberian Tiger Room. Either way, don’t worry about the BFP-1000 being too big to land or take off from your airport. It can land anywhere, since it uses eight sets of Abrams M1A2 Main Battle Tank tracks for landing gear.

A few people have complained about the BFP-1000 Luxury Plane’s lack of fuel efficiency. We’ll be honest with you, once you take off in BFP-1000, it consumes fuel at such a rate that you probably won’t have enough to fly to your destination, even if you plan on doing nothing more than immediately circling around and landing at the same airport you just took off from. But as with all our other products, we at State Og think ahead and that’s why we’re now installing special harpoon cannons that allow you to fire a hose into the tanks of nearby aircraft and siphon the fuel right out of their tanks as you fly. Not only do you save on not buying your own fuel, but if for any reason you should crash, rescue crews will have no trouble finding you since they only have to follow the trail of out-of-fuel aircraft.

Don’t drag your feet! Go out and get a BFP-1000 Luxury Plane today, because soon there will be only two types of people in this world: those hard-rocking and glamorous free-spirits who own BFP-1000s and those poor souls who get squished by landing BFP-1000s.

Show The World What A Real Man Smells Like

Hygiene is important when you want to get women. It’s almost as important as ignoring women or having a nice car. But the very act of applying male hygiene products often forces a man to act more feminine than he should feel comfortable with. That is why State Og has come up with our newest collection of male hygiene products.

Our new line of deodorant is by far the manliest deodorant on the market today. The manly scents more than make up for the girlishness that is associated with caring about how you smell in the first place. Many deodorant makers are experimenting with new scents such as cool reef, arctic blast, or mountain pine. As manly as being a surfer, Eskimo, or pine tree may be, we have gone a step further.

Normandy Beach is perhaps our most manly scent. The combined scents of water, salt, and blood give the impression that you have been fighting for the fate of the civilized world mere hours ago! Freedom fighter by day: playboy by night. What women wouldn’t want you? We give this a Lay-O-Meter rating of 9.

Volcano Ashe is the most popular of our scents. A manly combination of fresh wood and ash smell will convince any woman that you are a firefighter. A few rolls under the arm and you have gone from masturbating and RC car racing all day to breaking down doors and carrying children out of burning buildings. Lay-O-Meter rating: 8.

Other Woman. With a Lay-O-Meter of 11 this scent is bound to catch on. Other Woman combines your average, everyday musk scent with just a hint of women’s perfume. It comes in three varieties ranging from the expensive $1000 a bottle women’s perfumes (to attract the ladies who will forever be living off of daddy’s money); your average priced perfumes sold at Kaufmanns and Dillard’s (to catch the girl next door); to those crappy perfumes sold by questionable black guys going door-to-door (for riling up that dilapidated woman sitting next to you on the Grey Hound bus). With so many options, Other Woman scent is sure to make any woman jealous.