Welcome once again to State Og, the newsletter for your favorite conglomerate. Whether we're making apes think they can fly or making perfectly fit men think that they're really paralyzed for no good reason, we do our best because we know we're making the world a better place. Thanks this week go to Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson and Brett "Nimmo" Hurban.
The Return of Dr. Brynner Returns!
A few weeks ago a concerned mother asked me, Dr. L. Brynner, what she should do to guarantee that her newborn child grows up to be a valuable contributor to society, or at the very least ensure he doesn't end up mugging hobos for their few, meager panhandled coins just to feed his Preparation-H sniffing habit. In response to her lofty question, I told her that it was already too late, since before a child is even born, irreversible psychological trauma has occurred from being confined in small space for nine months; an experience that can only be likened to premature burial. I then told her that she shouldn't give up hope and that despite what I had just said there is a chance that her infant will become functional and valuable to society. I then started dropping hints about what nice skin the baby had and how I'd pay up to $1,000 for a really good steering wheel cover for my BMW and how something as mundane as leather just won't cut it.
Regardless of the details of the conversation and the liberal application of pepper spray that followed (Don't worry, I didn't spray her too much. I couldn't have since I only hade three bottles with me at the time.), this event inspired me to design a new line of products to preempt the untold mental anguish caused by an insanity-dealing womb. How does one create a fetus well adjusted enough to endure the horrors of gestation and remain fit enough to one day grow into a psychologically sound adult? The answer lies in happy sperm and ova! What makes happy gametes? The same things that make happy people: State Og products and/or services!
Spermatozoa simply don't get enough exercise on their own, but thanks to our new Shrink-O-Matic Ray, a herd of black angus bulls, and a syringe, every day can be the Spanish Festival of the Running of the Bulls in your nutsack. Nothing will give your sperm a workout like fleeing from a stampede, so get your State Og Sperm Rodeo kit today. Oh yeah, by the way, we're required by some stupid law to inform you that the Shrink-O-Matic Ray works by removing the space between atoms and as a result things shrunk down, though much smaller, still weigh the same. Don't worry, we're sure bulls are an exception to this rule, due to magic or something.
And ladies, State Og hasn't forgotten about you! Nor have we forgotten about your lethargic egg cells, which can now be granted the freedom of movement and the happiness that comes with such liberty, thanks to our new Autonomous Nanotech Ovum Exoskeletons. They're a bunch of small robots that partially envelop your eggs, after which they make an exodus from your body to the wonderful outside world that awaits them on a quest for sperm. Once they find their way to the nearest urethra, they'll crawl in and keep on going until they eventually find some sperm to ram and maybe a bull or two to dodge. Once conception has occurred, the robots leave the male and seek out a hiding place for the fetus to gestate. Don't worry, our exoskeletons will take care of everything (They can take down animals as large as a cat and break them down into nutrients for your concealed brood.), and since they hide you won't even notice them until you start wondering why some of your appliances aren't working, open them up and discover your special surprise. Congratulations! You're a mother!
No baby has ever had a greater potential for a bright future since I barged into a maternity ward with a funnel and a jug of napalm. Get one of these fine products right now. I mean it. Do it now. Don't make me break out my funnel!
Learn A Second Language - Guaranteed!
Being bilingual is a big plus on your resume, but learning a second language is hard to do. It requires a lot of time which most people don't have, and the learning process often loses its luster after a very short time. This results in the learner either speaking their chosen language poorly or just giving up all together.
That's where State Og can help you out. Our system is 100% guaranteed to teach you a new language. The State Og system uses the "total immersion" technique used by many books and popular software titles. The basic premise is that if you are constantly exposed to the language you will eventually learn to understand and then speak it.
The State Og system of immersion goes a step beyond what most language teaching techniques are willing to do. We will throw you into a prison residing inside of a country that speaks the language of your choice. Not only will we send you to the prison, but we will also make certain that all of the other inmates know what you did. When Jose and Fernando hear that you cut open a young boy's heart and fucked the valves in front of his crying mother, they will certainly want to have a word with you.
Being inside of a poorly managed prison where pure, brutal strength is law is one of the best ways to learn a new language. When Horatio screams "Voy a cortar sus manos apagado, las como, y despues cago ellas detras sobre su cara mientras que usted duerme!" at you for the second time, you'd better be damn sure that you know what it means. That is the secret behind our program. Once you've committed to learning a new language using the State Og program, you will learn it.
Other perks include learning how to create and conceal sharp objects, and how to make alcohol out of ketchup. Just imagine how that will look on your resume combined with your new language!- State Og Representative
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!