This week's update is based on the true story of next week's update, which in turn was based on a fictionalized account of this week's update. We ask that you sit perfectly still while reading, and avoid making eye contact with any wormholes or rips in the time-space continuum which may appear. Special thanks this week go to: Brett "Nimmo" Hurban, Aaron "Elcyvergoth" Young, and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson.
Acquisitions And Auctions
Government auctions are very profitable. You can purchase nearly anything you want at a seizure and foreclosure auction for cheap, cheap prices. Thenyou turn around and sell them the next day for twice the price you paid. It works out nicely for the buyer, and the person whose property got seized is either in jail or doesn’t have the resources to put a hit out on you oreven find out who you are.
The main problem with government auctions is that you must wait for the house, car, or boat you want to actually be legally seized before you can purchase it. This is a major problem. Why should you wait while your chance to make a killing just sits in front of you? You’re future should not rely on whether Jimmy can convince his boss to loan him $100 to before payday, to scrape up enough money to pay his mortgage, and if he does you may never be able to buy his property, and will have wasted weeks where you could have been investing elsewhere.
That’s why we found a way to speed things up. The whole idea behind this isthat we needed a formula to figure out 100% who would lose their property.That’s when I came up with the idea: Look for people who act exactly like me, except they don’t have any money. From there everything was easy going. By comparing these people to my own degrading lifestyle, I have found the perfect system.
Does Jimmy drive a truck? Yes? Then he passes part one. Now we stake out the house for a couple of days. Did Jimmy not check the mailbox for morethan two days in a row? Does he watch television on his porch? If so, then we go onto the next phase. Does Jimmy do drugs, does he purposely run things over lying in the road, does he follow school busses and flash dirty signals to the girls in the back? Once we know the answer to these questions, I can tell you with 100% certainty whether or not they will be able to pay off their possessions and in which month they will fail to do so.
What makes this system even more accurate is the fact that I can do whatever I like to push the subject in the direction I want them to lean. Jimmy may suddenly find a bag of heroin on his doorstep, and his house might get raided just as he was about to “see what it is”. He might not make it to work because his car won’t start, or he might just be fired for no reason because there is a good chance that he works for a subsidiary of State Og considering that we own nearly everything.
Either way, this briefing should make it clear. No more guess work when it comes to white trash. If you want some Billy-Ray’s boat then State Og will find one for you.
It Puts The Lotion In The Tub
Tired of sitting on an endless waiting list for skin grafts? Who isn't? Who has time to waste sitting around heavily wrapped in gauze just because a major fire caused 80% of their flesh to slough off like butter on a hot griddle? That's not just unfair, it's un-American.
At State Og we never miss an opportunity to fill an obvious gap in the consumer market, except for the opportunity to build an automated consumer market gap-filling machine, because that would put us right out of business! Haha! What we've come up with is the Tub O' Skin, soon to be synonymous with such fantastic medical breakthroughs as the Band-Aid and the Genital Leech! The Tub O' Skin is remarkably well named, because what you get is a big drum full of loose skin, piled high like freshly washed towels! This high quality skin is ready to be slipped on like a pair of stockings right out of the box, as demonstrated by France's elite fashionistas. There will be no worries about supply, because we have warehouses full of the stuff. There's skin for all, and the prices are reasonable!
How do we provide such huge quantities of living flesh at such cut-rate prices? We buy it from the back of some guy's van! Without fail this guy shows up with a load of skin of mixed race, often with jewelry or hair still attached. Where does it come from? Who cares! What we get is savings, and what you get is some fraction of savings!
Next time you get a nasty case of massive skin loss ask for a Tub O' Skin by name and you'll be wearing a shiny new suit of human skin in no time!
Is the mere sight of a spider something that creeps you out? Is the first thought running through your mind to go get a tissue and squish the small monster back to hell -the source of all spiders- or to close your eyes, roll up into a ball, rock back-and-forth for an hour and hope when you open your eyes it will be gone? Well, my friends, you don't have to suffer from your fears any longer! If you are one of the millions with arachnophobia there’s now hope, unless you happened to have bought our State Og brand Spider Repellant, in which case there is no hope for you (Sadly, modern science still struggles to find a cure for the new and disgustingly interesting forms of cancer many people got by merely walking near bottles of State Og brand Spider Repellant stocked in the isles of their local grocery stores).
While many companies make products that kill or repel spiders, our very own agent Brett “Nimmo” Hurban, who is forever thinking outside the proverbial box, had a flash of insight for how to help people with arachnophobia feel more comfortable around spiders. While at one the many wine and cheese tasting parties State Og regularly throws to promote culture and its new fine wine, that’s really just a couple of drops of grape juice added to a large jug of moonshine, agent Hurban was arguing with agent Johnson about which episode of Spiderman produced by PBS’s The Electric Company had the most erotic undercurrents, and then the question dawned on Hurban: what if a radioactive human bit a spider? Our scientist were intrigued by this question and immediately set up equipment to find out. Regrettably, though we had plenty of employees who were already exposed to radiation, mainly the people who made our spider repellant, none of them wanted to volunteer to do something as gross as bite a spider. Fortunately, a substitute was quickly found that could be easily irradiated and needed no cajoling into biting spiders: kittens!
Now you can get your own State Og Radioactive Spider-Biting Kitten, which not only is cute and cuddly, it makes all the spiders it bites in your house cute and cuddly. No matter how much you think you’re afraid of spiders now, there is no way you will not be able to resist their new found charm when you wake up every morning to a spider licking your face, find spiders cuddling in your lap as you watch TV, or spend some time playing with them with a piece of string. Your spiders will even start using a litter box! How’s that for convenient? Now you don’t have to worry about those small but annoying spider turds lying all around your house!
Don’t wait to get a State Og Radioactive Spider-Biting Kitten, because supplies are limited. Order now, before the month of September is up, and receive a free “spider-size” scratching post!- State Og Representative
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!