Welcome to another installment of State Og, the corporation that stands behind its products as long as it is also standing behind a wall of bulletproof glass. Special thanks this week go to: Chris "Bimston" Robison and Tom "Smoking Dragon" Clancy.
Dear State Og Preferred Customer
We like to keep track of the things you buy from us. The boys in the back room run the list of things you buy through their PC and find out which of our new things you might like. They are always thinking up great new things for you to buy. From the things you got before, we can tell that you will like our brand new product. We call it the State Og Brand E-Z Read Box.
We know that lots of times it is hard to read things. There are too many words and the words are big. But who has time to learn that kind of book smarts these days? Now you can read all sorts of things and you don’t even need to learn new words. State Og’s E-Z Read will make sure of that! Take this part from a book by great writer Jim Joy:
Through the hush of air a voice sang to them, low, not rain, not leaves in murmur, like no voice of strings of reeds or what doyoucallthem dulcimers, touching their still ears with words, still hearts of their each his remembered lives. Good, good to hear: sorrow from them each seemed to from both depart when first they heard. When first they saw, lost Richie, Poldy, mercy of beauty, heard from a person wouldn't expect it in the least, her first merciful lovesoft oftloved word.
What does that mean? How should we know? We are just as dumb as you! But when we put it in State Og’s E-Z Read, it comes out with short words. Now we can see what it says. Here is what it says now:
They heard music. It was happy and sad.
Even Mel in HR can read those words and he is dumb as hell! But here is the best part: you can take any thing that you want to read and put it in the E-Z Read Box. You wait a sec and it will come out in words even you can read. It could be a book. It could be the news. It could even be the Bible! (We know that you want to read it like the Rev does in church but some of the words are just too hard) Here is part of a book we found in the Bible:
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
Wow, that is hard! But wait! Look at what we can do just by using the E-Z Read:
Then God said, “I will make a man that looks like me. He can boss the fish and birds and cows and bugs.”
Is that what it means? We had no idea. Now we can read that God wants us to boss fish and bugs! As you can see, the E-Z Read will be great for home. It will be great for work. It will be great for church. You can even take it to school! When you fold it up, it will fit in your pants, and it will fold back out by itself when you want to use it. We hope you will buy this great new thing. We swear you will like it.
Dr. P. Winslow Crenshaw, State Og Director of Marketing Research
The New Fire-Resistant Child Safety Blanket Is Ready To Hit The Shelves!
After literally days of research and development we’ve decided to enter the bed and bedroom industry with this stylish blanket designed to protect your young ones in the event of a fire. Designed by the famed Smoking Dragon artist, this bed sheet is both safe and cool with young kids. It features a flash point that is nearly 15% higher than that of a bucket of oily rags! There were a few snags in the government ordered tests that we ran on it…
…but we were able to smooth them out with a few “contributions” here and there. It comes complete with a book of matches so your kids can learn the importance of fire safety. Be sure to get it soon because you’ll never know the next time Billy’s invisible friend will tell him to burn stuff!
State Og Comes Out On Top In Suit Filed By FCC!
After a year long battle over whether or not we could show the “Smoking Dragon Modern Art Appreciation Show for Young Kids” on PBS we have finally won! Thanks to a crack team of lawyers and millions of dollars in bribe money we’ve shown it is in fact possible to fight city hall. Apparently the government thinks a show sponsored by a tobacco company that teaches kids that modern art can be cool has no place on TV; we’re glad not everybody feels this way. This victory will allow us to continue to air the show every Saturday morning and teach kids the value of modern art! The big break in the trial came when the prosecutor in the case mysteriously blew up.
This is truly a great win for the little guy and the first amendment!- State Og Representative
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
gee, sun, thanks for life and warmth and light. you totally did it on purpose and aren't just a stupid exploding deathtrap
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!