To anybody intent on reading the next email:

DON'T.

I got to the part where he says "Hi" and then I lost interest. I think he starts talking about Mormons towards the end. I didn't really pay attention.

From: David King
Subject: EPISODE II REVIEW

Hi,

I just wanted to send you my thoughts on your review.

"The big lesson here is that pre-teens sleeping with older women is A-OK in everybody's book." Obviously, you are unaware that there is only a 5 year age difference between Anakin (who is now 19) and Padme (24). Their characters' ages in Episode one were 9 and 14, and there is a ten-year timespan between episodes I & II. Since when is 19 pre-teen?

"Hayden Christensen is Anakin Skywalker, the very same young man who won the great space race in Phantom Menace. My first impression of the new Anakin is that he should be throwing a football and dating a cheerleader on the sidelines. He's much better suited to portraying a High School quarterback, not a Jedi!" Think about it for a moment. He's a teenager... playing a teenager, TRAINING to become a Jedi. Teenagers make mistakes, bad judgement decisions & usually get into situations (both physical & emotional) that are over their heads. Just because he's studying to become a Jedi, doesn't make him immune to being human.

"Natalie Portman reprises her role as Princess Padme, a weak-willed and blatant Princess Liea rip-off." Well, first off, she was never a princess, she was a Queen. And in this film, she's no longer a queen, she's a Senator. Maybe you missed the 6 or 7 scenes mentioning that during your nap.

"Anakin and the Princess have no chemistry. It's very hard to believe that the pair eventually spawns heroic Han Solo and lovely Princess Liea." Wow, that's amazing. I always thought that it was LUKE and LEIA that were the children of Anakin and Padme. Maybe I saw a different Star Wars trilogy than you did.

"*** SPOILERS *** CP30 and R2D2 make a really bad joke about being robots, but we all know they're robots... why point this out? And they aren't even real robots, just midgets sweating under metal suits." You call that a spoiler? Hey, news flash! E.T. is a robot covered in latex, moved by remote controllers! It's not really an alien!

"There's of course a futile attempt at a plot and storyline, but it's really not worth recounting here." If you're not recounting it, it's because you either don't understand it, or YOU NEVER SAW THE FILM. Isn't the point of a review to at least give a basic overview of the story?

"Christoper Lee is just too old to be acting and his Darth Tyranus character is a disgrace. Shouldn't he be in a nursing home getting his diaper
changed?" And yet you still praised his character in Lord Of The Rings. Since you didn't give us any reasons WHY his character is a disgrace, why should we believe you?

"George Lucas should have spent less time stealing ideas from "Lord of The Rings" and more time on his dialogue." Okay, this arguement is getting tiresome. It is widely known that George culled themes and ideas from LOTS of different sources, including Kurosawa, Tolkein, and serial films of the 40's. Name ONE scene, plot line, location, or ANYTHING in Episode II that can be directly credited to Lord of the Rings. I dare you.

"And to think this is coming from the same people who published "Maniac Mansion," which was a very well-written game!" Hmm. I thought that LucasArts made computer videogames & CD-ROMs, and that LUCASFILM made movies. According to you, it's the other way around.

"LucasArts is rushing to finish this film in time to compete with "Spider-Man," which will no doubt trounce Episode Two in domestic box office profits, according to all the analysts I've spoken to off the record. And I'm an industry insider here, not some fat fanboy with a web page." Rushing to finish the film? The film's been completed for over a month! If they were worried about "Spider-Man", Lucas could've released it early. And as far as a track record box-office wise, Marvel comic book characters have had only ONE box office semi-hit - X-MEN, compared to numerous failures in television, animation, and motion pictures.

"I am quite offended by Lucas' use of so-called "future" technology. I know for a fact that "Star Trek's" vision of the space age is far more accurate and plausible. For example, Anakin doesn't use teleporters and instead zips about in land speeders that use impossible amounts of energy for the type of gravitational control one would expect. It's hard to explain to the common man, just trust me here: nearly every type of technology utilized in this movie is utterly ridiculous." So, "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away" no longer applies to the STAR WARS franchise? I suppose "Lord of the Rings" wizardry is plausible simply because it supposedly takes place in Earth's past? What a joke.

"I found myself quite disappointed by the special effects. "Lord of The Rings" did it much better, and had better editing to boot. Next time, LucasArts should hire a more experienced special effects company." Well, let's see... since Industrial Light & Magic, which is owned by Lucas, did the effects for BOTH films, that pretty much makes you sound like an idiot.

"Evan McGregor - who portrays young Obi-Wan Kenobi - just isn't convincing at all. You can barely understand anything he mutters through his thick, fake accent. My brother-in-law pointed out that since Episode Two was partially filmed in Ireland he probably spent much of his time at the pub getting hammered." You could at least get the guy's name right - it's EWAN. And it wasn't filmed in Ireland, it was filmed in Austrailia, moron.

"Jenga and Boba Fett are back as bounty hunters, and everybody teams up and works together to fight clones. This supposed to be exciting, but to be frank the lightsaber battles are slow-paced and boring." Jenga is a game made up of small wooden planks. JANGO FETT is the name of the bounty hunter in the film. And how can 200 Jedi fighting 1000 Aliens and 1000 battle droids be slow-paced and boring?

"Thankfully Anakin's dad has some terse words for Yoda and the situation is resolved and the scene ends before the entire film becomes a complete loss. Anakin's dad reminds me of the drunk skateboarder with spiked hair that hangs outside my apartment, so I won't say anything more about his character because I'm offended."

What film did you see??? Anakin's "father" doesn't even exist, you dope. That's why you can't say anything more about his character. Also, let me just say that after reading your review, I'm thoroughly convinced that you haven't even seen the film... I'd be rather suprised if you've even seen any of the trailers, because even they give much more info about the film than you have.

That guy could've just summed up his email like the following example I just created by briefly skimming his message:

From: A jerk
Subject: help me, my brain fell down

Hi

And that's it. Looks like an improvement to me. Next at bat is "Patrick McLaughlin" who I think has caught onto our fiendish plans of deception. Abandon ship everybody! Abandon ship! Patrick has found us out, let's head for the hills!!!

From: Patrick McLaughlin
Subject: Starwars

Wow. Such incredible spoilers. You didn't tell us anything that anybody already knows. You haven't actually seen this movie, have you? Advance copy? Riiiiiiiiight. You're just trying to sucker people in like that bogus Radiohead review.

P

We've been detected! Quick guys, let's pack up shop and move to the next town where we can fraudulently sucker people who don't know Patrick McLaughlin into purchasing our snake oil gin and tonic Indian potion elixir. Wow!!!

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