From: Douglas van Dyke Jr
Sorry Doug, you lost me at "I feel sorry"! I tried to read your email, but this bat like totally FLEW in through my open window and started attacking my coat and I was like "woah dude, what's a bat doing here?" and the bat was like "I gotta eat your coat man" and I was like "holy shit, the bat is talking dude!" and the bat was like "yeah, damn right I'm talking you fat little faggot!" and I just like flipped out and hit my head on something and when I woke up I was in this jail cell. Intense!
Now, just to demonstrate how dense and uncreative these people are, let's post just a single one of the all-so-common "boy, your website SURE IS SOMETHING AWFUL, HYUK HYUK I AM THE MASTER OF COMEDY GOLD, I WIELD WORDS LIKE SABERS!"
From: D Wells
Get it? The review was "awful"! Ha ha, and the name of our website is "Something Awful!" Roll for a saving throw against raw hilarity, you super magic elf! Wakka wakka!!
Let's put down this puppy like the rabid dog it is by wrapping it up with an example of another "so close yet so far" email. There is a glimmer of hope, yet it is so far away.
From: Muddro Smith
So close, yet... so far...
Well I see by the clock on the wall that we're running out of time here on the Nonstop Idiot Channel, so I'm going to have to start packing up my things and heading home. When I walk through that raging snowstorm that is chilling wood to its very grain, I'll be thinking of you, the readers, and warming my heart with your eternal love and adoration!
REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519
What do you do when The Dark Knight himself pulls a boner?
Available in Large, which is actually a Medium stretched out to appear bigger.
If you're in a tight spot, this is going to be really helpful (I'M JOKING. I'M KIDDING AROUND)
Truth Media seeks to lure out the brainless zealots mindlessly spewing words about faceless companies and products they have no relation to. Why do folks get so worked up over such inconsequential things? Truth Media is here, not to discover the answer to this, but just to make fun of them.