From: Douglas van Dyke Jr
Sorry Doug, you lost me at "I feel sorry"! I tried to read your email, but this bat like totally FLEW in through my open window and started attacking my coat and I was like "woah dude, what's a bat doing here?" and the bat was like "I gotta eat your coat man" and I was like "holy shit, the bat is talking dude!" and the bat was like "yeah, damn right I'm talking you fat little faggot!" and I just like flipped out and hit my head on something and when I woke up I was in this jail cell. Intense!
Now, just to demonstrate how dense and uncreative these people are, let's post just a single one of the all-so-common "boy, your website SURE IS SOMETHING AWFUL, HYUK HYUK I AM THE MASTER OF COMEDY GOLD, I WIELD WORDS LIKE SABERS!"
From: D Wells
Get it? The review was "awful"! Ha ha, and the name of our website is "Something Awful!" Roll for a saving throw against raw hilarity, you super magic elf! Wakka wakka!!
Let's put down this puppy like the rabid dog it is by wrapping it up with an example of another "so close yet so far" email. There is a glimmer of hope, yet it is so far away.
From: Muddro Smith
So close, yet... so far...
Well I see by the clock on the wall that we're running out of time here on the Nonstop Idiot Channel, so I'm going to have to start packing up my things and heading home. When I walk through that raging snowstorm that is chilling wood to its very grain, I'll be thinking of you, the readers, and warming my heart with your eternal love and adoration!
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This is the crown jewel of my erotic lamp collection, and a must-have for any serious pleasure lamp collector.
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
Truth Media seeks to lure out the brainless zealots mindlessly spewing words about faceless companies and products they have no relation to. Why do folks get so worked up over such inconsequential things? Truth Media is here, not to discover the answer to this, but just to make fun of them.