From: karen huttis
Hey Karen: A/S/L? Ha ha, that's just a little Internet joke there, thanks for playing along! I do, however, think her advice of "re-evaluting our story" so people won't "dislike our site" is great news. From now on, we're running all Truth Media Reviews through a stringent fact-checking system controlled by one of those Radio Shack robots from the 1980's that wore the black and white tuxedo and served drinks via remote control. His name is "Stinky" and he hates the Jew-controlled Hollywood agenda!
But wait gang, that's not all! Karen Huttis is back again with the spiciest email this side of the Pecos! Brace yourself for "Karen Huttis 2: The Revenge!"
From: karen huttis
"A$$"? Wait, she writes out "FUCK" but censors "ASS"? Did she do that intentionally or was she trying to make some political statement about the influence of money in the music review scene? If so, Karen, you are the prophet of the future, ready to lead us to the Promised Land™! I apologize to everybody reading this article, as I wasn't aware you didn't give "2 FLYING FUCKS" about our site. JUGGALOS 4 LIFE D00DZ!!!
If those two emails weren't depressing enough, we're about to upchuck an even worse load of steaming yams into your lap. Now don't get us wrong; we think the raging ICP fans are idiots. However, we think the people who read Something Awful and still don't understand the concept behind Truth Media Reviews earn the rank of "King Idiot Of The Universe or Solar System, Whichever is Currently Bigger at the Time." For Christ's sake, how can you read this site and not know that Truth Media is just a bunch of bullshit flamebait? How can anybody ignore the obvious day and day again? Oh yeah, that's right, the Internet makes you stupid. My mistake.
From: Greg Hahn
Please stop reading this site. Seriously, don't read it. Greg, please follow these instructions: delete Something Awful from your bookmarks. Take your computer, turn it off, push it out of your window, and then move to some godless ninth-world country where computers are considered a tool of the devil. For hell's sake, it makes me embarrassed to be affiliated with people like Greg; knowing that he reads SA and is yet too dense to understand the humor makes me weep tears of humiliation at night. This is a problem because that conflicts with my normal "weeping tears of depression" nightly procedure. Damn you Greg! Damn you for being so horrible!
Let's head back to bright and shiny AOL Land, where we've got mail!
Oh no! We're going to get beaten up again! Also Eminem is gay! And we're probably gay too! And ICP is the best! And we're the worst! And writing IN ALL CAPS IS THE COOL THING TO DO, LIKE HANGING OUT BY THE HICKORY FARMS IN ALDERWOOD MALL AND INJECTING GLUE INTO YOUR EYES.
Moving on, we are paid a visit by "The Gravy Train." Don't ask; it will explain itself in a moment, and then you'll invariably regret it.
Expert analysis on the few things your cat likes and the many things it hates.
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
Truth Media seeks to lure out the brainless zealots mindlessly spewing words about faceless companies and products they have no relation to. Why do folks get so worked up over such inconsequential things? Truth Media is here, not to discover the answer to this, but just to make fun of them.