From: "Seth J."
Subject: Youve OBVIOUSLY never played durrr

I read your review about Halo 2, and youve obviously never played

Jesus christ this is the most pathetic review for a game I have ever read in my life! Don't get me wrong, everyone is entitled to their opinion and I know that there will be those that like, and those that loathe Halo 2, but this **** has about 90% of his so-called-FACTS wrong!!! Normally I wouldn't take the time to do this, but this titfaced ****-bandit deserves it, so I'm going to pick it apart, piece by piece:

1. "While the Xbox was less powerful and less popular than the PS2..."

Ok this proves straight away this guy doesn't have the slightest clue what he is on about. Every dumbass and their dog knows that the xbox pisses over the PS2 as far as power goes.

2. "Halo 2: Combat Evolved tells the story..."

How the **** can you review a game when you don't even know what the title of it is.

3. "An alien race of aggressors called the Coveners..."

Ok, either he has very bad hearing, can't read an instruction manual, or is just plain stupid. They are called Covenant.

4. "Why does Master Chief work for the Covener forces halfway through the game?"

This guy HAS to be skipping the CG sequences. He doesn't have a clue whats going on. You're not playing as the Master Cheif, dumbass, watch the movies already it's pretty clear.

5. "Who killed Cortina?"

What the ****? Firstly, Cortana didn't die you crackhead. In fact, there is NOWHERE in the entire story where I think you could have gotten that idea. Secondly, she can't 'die' anyway as she is an AI.

6. "Where did Captain Jacob Keyes get his new warship when he was killed off in Halo 1?"

Oh jesus. This guy can't even see that Captain Keyes in Halo 2 is his daughter - a WOMAN? That's blindingly obvious from the very start of the game, and is constantly shown to you throughout the rest of the game. How you can attempt to review a game when you can't even tell the difference between male and female characters, I don't know.

7. "How did the Covenent destroy Earth at the end?"

Again, more proof he wasn't watching any movies at all. No wonder he doesn't have a clue what's going on. Earth isn't destroyed... look again.

8. "The first thing you notice is just how easy the game actually is."

That's what Heroic / Legendary are for.

9. "Just point at an enemy and your targeting reticle will automatically track them."

That's one **** of an exageration. Try and play through Halo without using the right thumbstick at all then, if you think its just pure autoaim. See how far you get.

10. "Many of the people who play Halo cannot afford a PC or cannot understand how to use a mouse and keyboard setup. For people like that Halo 2 is a great investment. It allows them to test the waters a little bit before graduating to real first-person-shooters on the PC."

Ahh, I love stereotypes. Right, here I go. Firstly, PC's aren't expensive, and I can pretty much promise that a **** of a majority of people who have an xbox have a PC, decent or not. And saying they don't know how to use a mouse and keyboard is retarted. A controller is hugely more complicated than a mouse/keyboard, and is less accurate - more difficult to use. Which is why the (slight) autoaim is put in.

11. "All you have to do is press the Y button to switch to the new weapon when you need it."

Hold the Y button.

12. "By pressing the B button while close to an enemy vehicle..."

I suggest the X button.

13. "After six years in development these are the only new gameplay ideas Bungie could come up with."

Bungie "came up" with dozens of gameplay ideas, which you can see in the E3 2003 demo. Of course, many didn't make it into the final game, but there are many gameplay changes that have, probably not noticable to the Halo noob that reviewed it. Such as:

The plasma sword. Not just a new weapon - this has changed the way the game plays hugely.

Crouch-walking no longer shows up on motion sensors

No fall damage

You can jump much higher

You can switch weapons with allies

Vehicles have extra abilities: such as the ghost can boost and the banshee can do acrobatics.

Marines can drive

And so on...

14. "How about the flashlight can only stay lit for 30 seconds?"

It stays on if you are in a dark area. Strange, I admit, and I agree that it's weird, but he's still wrong.

15. "It's actually capped at 12 frames per second"

Now, I don't know the technicalities for this game, so I can't argue this. But it still seems to me that the FPS in halo is far, far, far higher than *12*. And even if it isn't, I sure as **** can't notice it, and I am used to playing on the PC with an FPS of ~80. So who cares?

16. "I must be crazy"

Yup.

17. "In some scenes, if you squint just right, Halo 2 looks like a Nintendo 64 game."

I won't even dignify this with an answer.

18. "But they are a far cry from the crystal clear images you would see in a PS2 game like Metal Gear Solid 2."

Wahay! We have found the heart of the hatred. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a PS2 fanboy that obviously still hasn't realised that the Xbox's graphical capabilities piss all over the PS2 and then take a big steamy dump on it's tiny casing.

19. "While the voice acting is adequete, the music is uninspired."

I can't knock an opinion, but Martin O'Donnell is a huge musical genius in my opinion, and I respect him for not going for the cookie cutter take on FPS that they need techno quake style music. Seeing as he was re-hired from Halo 1 to do Halo 2, I assume that most of the halo customers think he is doing a good job.

20. "5.1 support is broken as well. All I could hear in my rear speakers was the sound of running water."

I don't know how he has his 5.1 set up, but it sounds to me like he needs to call a plumber.

21. "The guns don't sound realistic at all. They sound more like pellet guns than real firearms."

I agree... with the SMG. That sounds like an automatic BB gun, yes. But every other gun? I don't think he knows there are any.

22. "Xbox Live games are so laggy that it's hardly worth playing."

Did he fail to mention is is playing on 56k dial up or something? I, and EVERYONE else I have spoken too have never had a laggy match in Halo. Ever.

23. "Whenever someone drops the game will try to reconnect with all of the players."

No, just the host.

24. "If you finally get into a game that's playable be prepared to be slaughtered by the horrible gameplay imbalances that rear their ugly heads. Shotguns and pistols are virtually worthless now. Their strength and range have been dwarfed. Players who use the power sword usually "earn" themselves a first place position in every match though. The problem with the sword is that it's easy to use and kills players in one hit. It's terribly unfair and poor design on Bungie's part."

Weapons seem perfectly balanced to me. I think that this guy is trying to take on a duel weilded SMG **** with a single pistol. Either that or he is shooting at snipers with a shotgun. Hey! The plasma sword is poweful OMG!!! Guess what mate? There's a technique to killing people with a sword, SHOOT THEM FROM A DISTANCE???

25. "These modes are fun but have been seen before in many other games. There's nothing new here that you havn't seen before in Counter-Strike mods."

Show me a FPS where you can have a plasma sword style battle like in Halo 2 (Remembering that lightsaber battles in JKII are nothing like plasma sword fights).

26. "There's another recent game I would recommend a million times over Halo, and that's Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. You'd be doing yourself a huge favor."

www.gamerankings.com fool.

Need i say more....

I think you've said quite enough. Thank you.

Next we have Pascal on a carphone. You're on the Spokker Jones Show.

From: "Pascal"
Subject: Halo 2 review

Rubbish.

Unfunny.

Poorly written.

These are the kinds of emails I like. Short and to the point. I don't even have to pay attention or look at it because it's so short. I love it. Please write me more emails like this. Everyone. From now on the word limit on any email you send to me is four. Four words! That's all you have. Make 'em count.

It's John Smith on the 91. You're on the Spokker Jones Show.

From: "john smith"
Subject: ur game reviews

aye bitch u got a problem wit halo2 nigga? dont talk shit about a game jus cus its hella good and u hella jealous. fuckin dumbass. go suck a dick or sumtin. u need more brain cell foo.

Sup my nigga. Listen foo, I know you mad about the review and all but we niggas gotta stick together. Black on black violence has got to stop. Come on foo, I was jus' frontin' wit cha. It ain't no thang. All my brothas and sistas are you wit me? We don't need this baby mama drama. Peace out yo.

We'll be right back after these messages.

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