Shepard shot first.About two weeks ago I went to the trouble of writing a way-excellent review of the new RPG Mass Effect 2. I did this so all of our readers could make an informed decision about whether or not to drop their hard earned ducats on a space video game. My main goal here is just to help the consumers. They're what matters to me.
Unfortunately, some folks are willing to look a gift horse in the mouth and then to open the gift horse's mouth and to shit into the gift horse's mouth. I like to call these people "our readers," because they are our readers and most of them are jerks and/or morons.
These "readers" tend to get mad at some small spelling or gramer; error and then go on and on about their genius intellect and incredible command of the facts. If you ever find yourself writing a hotly-worded email about a video game review and you think you are a genius, please take a minute to picture Einstein writing a furious email to IGN about the 7.5 they gave to Super Smash Brothers. Pretty hard to picture happening, right? That's because only morons get mad about video game reviews.
And today's first moron is:
Subject: Not About Star Wars
great mass effect review but it is not about star wars. Other than that keep on keeping on bro. Loved the dog ad articles you do.
Whoa, sorry Geoff. Didn't realize you were going to be so nice about my supposed "mistakes." Guess what, professor: everything is about Star Wars. Ever heard of a little thing called a clone war? No? Try reading some starwars.com before you open your big mouth and suck down a foot. But I'll take it easy on you since you loved my dog ad articles. Thanks!
Subject: Mass Effect Review.
I have one question for you regarding your review of Mass Effect two.
Please review Bard's Tale for DOS.
Hey, Gary. Already reviewed Bard's Tale. Next time why don't you research some facts before you send me an email. Might I recommend starwars.com.
|From: [email protected]|
Subject: SPOILERS FUCKER
I am used to stupid fucking faggot reviewers ruining movies and games halfway through the review, but your piece of shit mass effect 2 review took it to a whole new level. How about next time you plan to spoil the opening and the ending in one sentence you fucking warn the reader? Would that be so hard?
"Be ye angry and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath."
Hi, my name is Dan K. and I read the bible and call people faggots. My hobbies are reading reviews even though I know every reviewer is going to spoil whatever they're reviewing, writing angry emails about reviews I read, and looking up bible verse that justifies my hatred of reviewers. What's that, Ephesians? Don't let your tits hit the pillow without launching a couple scorching f-bombs over the old computer mail? Thanks, god!
Oh, and by the way, if you read Dan's email you are now in violation of federal email law. Go ahead and citizen's arrest yourself and wait for the email authorities to come put you in jail. If you're in a rush you can call 911 and tell them you need to be enforced for confidential email violations. Strictly enforced, faggot!
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
Truth Media seeks to lure out the brainless zealots mindlessly spewing words about faceless companies and products they have no relation to. Why do folks get so worked up over such inconsequential things? Truth Media is here, not to discover the answer to this, but just to make fun of them.