Shepard shot first.About two weeks ago I went to the trouble of writing a way-excellent review of the new RPG Mass Effect 2. I did this so all of our readers could make an informed decision about whether or not to drop their hard earned ducats on a space video game. My main goal here is just to help the consumers. They're what matters to me.

Unfortunately, some folks are willing to look a gift horse in the mouth and then to open the gift horse's mouth and to shit into the gift horse's mouth. I like to call these people "our readers," because they are our readers and most of them are jerks and/or morons.

These "readers" tend to get mad at some small spelling or gramer; error and then go on and on about their genius intellect and incredible command of the facts. If you ever find yourself writing a hotly-worded email about a video game review and you think you are a genius, please take a minute to picture Einstein writing a furious email to IGN about the 7.5 they gave to Super Smash Brothers. Pretty hard to picture happening, right? That's because only morons get mad about video game reviews.

And today's first moron is:

From: Merking
To: Zack
Subject: Not About Star Wars

Hey dude,

great mass effect review but it is not about star wars. Other than that keep on keeping on bro. Loved the dog ad articles you do.

Geoff

Whoa, sorry Geoff. Didn't realize you were going to be so nice about my supposed "mistakes." Guess what, professor: everything is about Star Wars. Ever heard of a little thing called a clone war? No? Try reading some starwars.com before you open your big mouth and suck down a foot. But I'll take it easy on you since you loved my dog ad articles. Thanks!

From: Gary
To: Zack
Subject: Mass Effect Review.

Dear Zack.

I have one question for you regarding your review of Mass Effect two.

Please review Bard's Tale for DOS.

Thank you.

-Gary.

Hey, Gary. Already reviewed Bard's Tale. Next time why don't you research some facts before you send me an email. Might I recommend starwars.com.

From: [email protected]
To: Zack
Subject: SPOILERS FUCKER

I am used to stupid fucking faggot reviewers ruining movies and games halfway through the review, but your piece of shit mass effect 2 review took it to a whole new level. How about next time you plan to spoil the opening and the ending in one sentence you fucking warn the reader? Would that be so hard?

Fuck you.

Dan K.
---
This email is enforced strictly confidential and not intended for publication.
The place where Dan works.
Dan's phone number and cell phone number.

"Be ye angry and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath."
Ephesians, 4:26

Hi, my name is Dan K. and I read the bible and call people faggots. My hobbies are reading reviews even though I know every reviewer is going to spoil whatever they're reviewing, writing angry emails about reviews I read, and looking up bible verse that justifies my hatred of reviewers. What's that, Ephesians? Don't let your tits hit the pillow without launching a couple scorching f-bombs over the old computer mail? Thanks, god!

Oh, and by the way, if you read Dan's email you are now in violation of federal email law. Go ahead and citizen's arrest yourself and wait for the email authorities to come put you in jail. If you're in a rush you can call 911 and tell them you need to be enforced for confidential email violations. Strictly enforced, faggot!

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