i am like 3/4 done with my retcon script of transformers where bumblebee has diabetes— Michael Hale (@dogboner) January 14, 2014
"Oh I want to put my breasts on some idiot until his big ben strikes cream o'clock" -- straight people— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) January 14, 2014
when someone asks if I want two CDs, i tell them yes. im not going to give up a chance at 2 free CDs out of fear of some sick joke.— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) January 13, 2014
What is Chris Christie blocking the road to the stage at the Golden Globes? Man, this is gonna get so many retweets.— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) January 13, 2014
id like to take those tv bazinga nerds to beatdown town. 1 way trip— gary (@garyniceman) January 11, 2014
50 years ago having “industries” in your company name meant you built tanks and now it means your dad gave you $20,000 to make T-shirts.— Dan McCarthy (@dmccarthy7) January 11, 2014
how to turn a girl on: during sex just say "thank you for letting me fuck you" over and over. she'll will love it.— Craig (@girl_liker) December 3, 2012
Dating tip: when sitting down, pull out her chair. Yell as you throw chair as hard as you can. Boast to her no chair is as strong as you are— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) January 8, 2014
Say what you want about him but we could all use a friend as loyal as Dennis Rodman.— Laura Mannino (@lauramannino) January 7, 2014
Realize I may be late to the party here, but have you guys heard of cigarettes?— Brock Wilbur (@brockwilbur) January 7, 2014
It's so cute when guys think they can just date me without getting tweeted about.— Tricia (@Im_Tricia) January 7, 2014
Can you imagine how powerful Bruce Lee would be if he had smoked K2 Spice, the legal, synthetic marijuana that makes its user invincible?— John V (@wettbutt) January 6, 2014
I feel really clever when I freeze meals and then eat them later like I'm the only person who ever thought of this— soccerbabe2003 (@realemilyattack) January 6, 2014
A DILF just showed my kids the disappearing quarter magic trick using his wedding ring and I bit my tongue so good.— Li'l Edie Surly (@JennyPentland) January 5, 2014
HAHA Wrecking Ball is on the radio. Barrff. Listen to how awful it is ha ha I can't even - WHAT ARE YOU DOING DON'T CHANGE IT— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) January 5, 2014
If I object at a wedding do I still get cake— Jenny Young (@heyjennyyoung) January 5, 2014
Has anyone ever tried putting a fetus back INSIDE a woman's uterus? Hi, I'm Melissa and I just took NyQuil.— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) January 5, 2014
Removed from Golden Corral for screaming "THE BIG MAN'S GOTTA EAT!" while waiting for the chocolate fountain to be refilled.— TS Steinbacher (@TSSteinbacher) January 5, 2014
Trying out this new diet where I just sold all my kitchen appliances on Craigslist to a guy named Mervin.— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) January 5, 2014
I accidentally dressed entirely in black sweater material today, if anybody out there is feeling the "1990s lesbian playwright" vibe.— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) January 4, 2014
just thought about someone who really has to poop except both the seat and lid are down so they accidentally crap on the lid hahahaha— jerry icy (@dangerousneil) January 4, 2014
"who the fuck buys name brand milk," i bellow, "its the fuckin same as generic milk!" my wife presses stop on the dvd player and goes to bed— beefy tee (@BronzeHammer) January 3, 2014
i have a big butt. i have to use a top loading washing machine as a toilet. greetings— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) January 3, 2014
hi grampa how is things at the nursing home i'm living in a circus of death... hows 6th grade its gay— dwayne (@collatingbones) January 3, 2014
look at me. i slice fruit for my cereal. lah de dah. i have a million butlers to take care of macaws and my fridge works 100% of the time— something something (@6thgrade4ever) January 7, 2014
Having had no formal cashier training the self checkout line is pure instinct for me— Craig (@craigrachel) January 4, 2014
mum found me lad mags— Ben ''Chiefarino'' (@MuscularSon) January 2, 2014
Internment Camp Queens Caught Scamming Extra Servings Of Water And Laying Around All Day In Government-Provided Housing
Trying to change history is a terrible mistake. Tearing down all of America's Hitler statues has left us confused about our nation's proud past.
Two wonderful new games let you jump into meat grinders and walk into cactii.
Ben Garrison's Cartoons explained; Part 2!
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!