i am like 3/4 done with my retcon script of transformers where bumblebee has diabetes— Michael Hale (@dogboner) January 14, 2014
"Oh I want to put my breasts on some idiot until his big ben strikes cream o'clock" -- straight people— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) January 14, 2014
when someone asks if I want two CDs, i tell them yes. im not going to give up a chance at 2 free CDs out of fear of some sick joke.— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) January 13, 2014
What is Chris Christie blocking the road to the stage at the Golden Globes? Man, this is gonna get so many retweets.— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) January 13, 2014
id like to take those tv bazinga nerds to beatdown town. 1 way trip— gary (@garyniceman) January 11, 2014
50 years ago having “industries” in your company name meant you built tanks and now it means your dad gave you $20,000 to make T-shirts.— Dan McCarthy (@dmccarthy7) January 11, 2014
how to turn a girl on: during sex just say "thank you for letting me fuck you" over and over. she'll will love it.— Craig (@girl_liker) December 3, 2012
Dating tip: when sitting down, pull out her chair. Yell as you throw chair as hard as you can. Boast to her no chair is as strong as you are— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) January 8, 2014
Say what you want about him but we could all use a friend as loyal as Dennis Rodman.— Laura Mannino (@lauramannino) January 7, 2014
Realize I may be late to the party here, but have you guys heard of cigarettes?— Brock Wilbur (@brockwilbur) January 7, 2014
It's so cute when guys think they can just date me without getting tweeted about.— Tricia (@Im_Tricia) January 7, 2014
Can you imagine how powerful Bruce Lee would be if he had smoked K2 Spice, the legal, synthetic marijuana that makes its user invincible?— John V (@wettbutt) January 6, 2014
I feel really clever when I freeze meals and then eat them later like I'm the only person who ever thought of this— soccerbabe2003 (@realemilyattack) January 6, 2014
A DILF just showed my kids the disappearing quarter magic trick using his wedding ring and I bit my tongue so good.— Li'l Edie Surly (@JennyPentland) January 5, 2014
HAHA Wrecking Ball is on the radio. Barrff. Listen to how awful it is ha ha I can't even - WHAT ARE YOU DOING DON'T CHANGE IT— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) January 5, 2014
If I object at a wedding do I still get cake— Jenny Young (@heyjennyyoung) January 5, 2014
Has anyone ever tried putting a fetus back INSIDE a woman's uterus? Hi, I'm Melissa and I just took NyQuil.— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) January 5, 2014
Removed from Golden Corral for screaming "THE BIG MAN'S GOTTA EAT!" while waiting for the chocolate fountain to be refilled.— TS Steinbacher (@TSSteinbacher) January 5, 2014
Trying out this new diet where I just sold all my kitchen appliances on Craigslist to a guy named Mervin.— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) January 5, 2014
I accidentally dressed entirely in black sweater material today, if anybody out there is feeling the "1990s lesbian playwright" vibe.— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) January 4, 2014
just thought about someone who really has to poop except both the seat and lid are down so they accidentally crap on the lid hahahaha— jerry icy (@dangerousneil) January 4, 2014
"who the fuck buys name brand milk," i bellow, "its the fuckin same as generic milk!" my wife presses stop on the dvd player and goes to bed— beefy tee (@BronzeHammer) January 3, 2014
i have a big butt. i have to use a top loading washing machine as a toilet. greetings— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) January 3, 2014
hi grampa how is things at the nursing home i'm living in a circus of death... hows 6th grade its gay— dwayne (@collatingbones) January 3, 2014
look at me. i slice fruit for my cereal. lah de dah. i have a million butlers to take care of macaws and my fridge works 100% of the time— something something (@6thgrade4ever) January 7, 2014
Having had no formal cashier training the self checkout line is pure instinct for me— Craig (@craigrachel) January 4, 2014
mum found me lad mags— Ben ''Chiefarino'' (@MuscularSon) January 2, 2014
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!