*looks at a butt* hmm yes this is a very good butt *uses a jewelers loupe to inspect the butt* hey wait a minute. this is a butt that poops— rad milk (@rad_milk) October 15, 2013
i just got a promoted ad for huggies buttwipes i take these things very personally ur girls got the freshest crev this side of the mason dix— rachel linda (@rachel_linda_) October 17, 2013
Hmm, a dead body. [takes a slow drag off of cigarette] Looks like the Dead Body Killer is at it again.— Dan Glaser (@youranalogbuddy) February 26, 2014
"Hey ladies, Im the dog catcher & I got a report of a bunch of ugly screaming dogs in this hotel room" -my brief stint as an insult stripper— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) January 7, 2013
sorry kids. i know you all wanted to learn sports but somebody made a typo on the job application so meet your new basketball couch.— aLec robBins (@alecrobbins) November 15, 2013
Tomatoes are a rich source of lycopene (werewolf dick).— lanyard (@lanyardigan) April 5, 2013
There’s nothing we can do, Governor. His last meal request was Olive Garden’s never ending pasta bowl.— Jesse Neil (@JTrainNeil) February 20, 2014
[from inside a locker] technically this doesn't prove that I'm a nerd you guys, there's no control group— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) February 8, 2014
DENIRO: We did it man. Fuckin rock on PESCI: We took over the damn casino and now we gamble for FREE [both simultaneously] GAMBLE FOR FREE— dwayne (@collatingbones) December 2, 2013
police also found a small bag of weed weighing 95 lbs. Some would call it a large bag but to me, the coolest reporter alive, its no big deal— Mike F (@animal_drums_) February 12, 2014
*kohls 2002* *kohls 2002* *kohls 2002* *kohls 2002* Guy Fieri's time travel machine history— Eric Rose (@EricDangerRose) February 26, 2014
"Is your refrigerator running wild and free, as we do?" -Teenage centaurs making a prank phone call— BR▲NSON REESE (@bransonreese) November 14, 2012
What are these beautiful ceiling patterns. Was this shit laced. Will I ever get back to normal. From NPR News this is All Things Considered— “big country” (@spaceship_earth) April 20, 2012
you can't take away my guns how else can i overcompensate for my absurdly tiny penis— ⓣⓗⓔ ⓡⓘⓚⓔⓡ ⓛⓘⓚⓔⓡ (@andymoney69) January 30, 2013
"Holodeck, load simulation: Alternate Universe Where Ernest From The Movies Didn't Die," I said as I placed my head into the oven.— Giorgio Corroder (@Happy_Loam) April 25, 2012
Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fell out his pocket.— Sam (@SamuelRahsaan) March 22, 2013
The funniest thing I did yesterday was when Lenny Kravitz's cover of "American Woman" came on the radio and I turned it up really loud.— ASW (@TotallyAllen) October 6, 2012
you break all my thing you KILL my family, you knoeckd over my scanner— xavier (@funWindow) December 18, 2011
"PIZZA" IS ACTUALLY AN ANAGRAM... P - PLEASUREFUL I - INTERESTING Z - CANT THINK OF ONE Z - CANT THINK OF ONE A - "AGG"-CELLENT— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) June 17, 2013
Crazy that Jim Henson thought of the name “Rowlph” without ever hearing me eat strawberries.— Matt Koff (@mattkoff) May 16, 2012
@fart I want to fuck you.— Michael Hale (@dogboner) February 25, 2013
ceci n'est pas une Huge Male Ass— Greaser Heart Throb (@CyberMale1996) May 26, 2012
The first time "fast", "decisive", and "efficient" could have been used to describe the Minecraft development team was when they snatched the $2.5 billion dollar check out of Microsoft's sweaty, shaking hand.
Paleo guru and definite non-idiot Luke K. clears the air about some of your favorite pumpkin treats this holiday season. Also he weighs in on the controversy surrounding a paleo wedding cake.
No lifeguard on duty. Maze run at your own risk.
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!