*looks at a butt* hmm yes this is a very good butt *uses a jewelers loupe to inspect the butt* hey wait a minute. this is a butt that poops— rad milk (@rad_milk) October 15, 2013
i just got a promoted ad for huggies buttwipes i take these things very personally ur girls got the freshest crev this side of the mason dix— rachel linda (@rachel_linda_) October 17, 2013
Hmm, a dead body. [takes a slow drag off of cigarette] Looks like the Dead Body Killer is at it again.— Dan Glaser (@youranalogbuddy) February 26, 2014
"Hey ladies, Im the dog catcher & I got a report of a bunch of ugly screaming dogs in this hotel room" -my brief stint as an insult stripper— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) January 7, 2013
sorry kids. i know you all wanted to learn sports but somebody made a typo on the job application so meet your new basketball couch.— aLec robBins (@alecrobbins) November 15, 2013
Tomatoes are a rich source of lycopene (werewolf dick).— lanyard (@lanyardigan) April 5, 2013
There’s nothing we can do, Governor. His last meal request was Olive Garden’s never ending pasta bowl.— Jesse Neil (@JTrainNeil) February 20, 2014
[from inside a locker] technically this doesn't prove that I'm a nerd you guys, there's no control group— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) February 8, 2014
DENIRO: We did it man. Fuckin rock on PESCI: We took over the damn casino and now we gamble for FREE [both simultaneously] GAMBLE FOR FREE— dwayne (@collatingbones) December 2, 2013
police also found a small bag of weed weighing 95 lbs. Some would call it a large bag but to me, the coolest reporter alive, its no big deal— Mike F (@animal_drums_) February 12, 2014
*kohls 2002* *kohls 2002* *kohls 2002* *kohls 2002* Guy Fieri's time travel machine history— Eric Rose (@EricDangerRose) February 26, 2014
"Is your refrigerator running wild and free, as we do?" -Teenage centaurs making a prank phone call— BR▲NSON REESE (@bransonreese) November 14, 2012
What are these beautiful ceiling patterns. Was this shit laced. Will I ever get back to normal. From NPR News this is All Things Considered— “big country” (@spaceship_earth) April 20, 2012
you can't take away my guns how else can i overcompensate for my absurdly tiny penis— ⓣⓗⓔ ⓡⓘⓚⓔⓡ ⓛⓘⓚⓔⓡ (@andymoney69) January 30, 2013
"Holodeck, load simulation: Alternate Universe Where Ernest From The Movies Didn't Die," I said as I placed my head into the oven.— Giorgio Corroder (@Happy_Loam) April 25, 2012
Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fell out his pocket.— Sam (@SamuelRahsaan) March 22, 2013
The funniest thing I did yesterday was when Lenny Kravitz's cover of "American Woman" came on the radio and I turned it up really loud.— ASW (@TotallyAllen) October 6, 2012
you break all my thing you KILL my family, you knoeckd over my scanner— xavier (@funWindow) December 18, 2011
"PIZZA" IS ACTUALLY AN ANAGRAM... P - PLEASUREFUL I - INTERESTING Z - CANT THINK OF ONE Z - CANT THINK OF ONE A - "AGG"-CELLENT— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) June 17, 2013
Crazy that Jim Henson thought of the name “Rowlph” without ever hearing me eat strawberries.— Matt Koff (@mattkoff) May 16, 2012
@fart I want to fuck you.— Michael Hale (@dogboner) February 25, 2013
ceci n'est pas une Huge Male Ass— Greaser Heart Throb (@CyberMale1996) May 26, 2012
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!