What, God, have I ever done to deserve the term "Chris Christie Gangbang Video" on my timeline?— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) March 18, 2014
BREAKING NEWS. THERE IS A WOMAN CUDDLING A LIVE OWL A MY GATE. pic.twitter.com/F20w52x7eV— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) March 19, 2014
Wake up screaming 'I'm a nerd with a turd for a testicle!'— WilliamButlerTweats (@leducviolet) March 19, 2014
Im the gene that controls areola size— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) March 20, 2014
my dream uncle would have the calves of an angel...and the thighs of a Devil— wint (@dril) March 20, 2014
Good Riddick to bad rubbish: you think you can hide in the dark, trash? In going to take you out, for the garbageman to pick up— ｇｅｇｔｉｋ (@gegtik) March 20, 2014
i just popped a filthy grape in my mouth and drooled all over the crotch of my pants as i tried to spit it out— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) March 20, 2014
Apple's early years were so rough someone tried to eat the logo— Gavin (@GavinJamieson) March 20, 2014
A man wearing a Naruto headband dishonored my family. I can never return home.— The Big Guy (@TSSteinbacher) March 20, 2014
Hey Superman, glad you got that big-ass "S" on your chest so I don't mistake you for a different jacked flying dude. Haha you fuckin chump— Mickey McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) March 21, 2014
Billy Joel moves me in a way that no other 64 year old man does.— .lia. (@SocialMediaLia) March 11, 2014
> interfacing with cyberspace... opening LunchNET... uplinking data bands... Hello Jon. What do you want to eat for lunch today— DeepWebDude (@Ennui_Raver) March 21, 2014
listening to Cake in perfect audiophile quality, you can occasionally hear the beeps from the casio watch John McCrea wears around his dick— David Thorpe (@Arr) March 21, 2014
In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of any phony god's blessing. But because, I sprayed metal primer into a paper bag.— Zack Parsons (@sexyfacts4u) March 14, 2014
Could you imagine buying a $60k car and every time you start it up it shows you Bing on the screen— Regular Type Fellow (@DinkMagic) March 22, 2014
I thought "raw doggin' it" was when you were too lazy to cook the hotdog before eating it— Big Tits Will Weldon (@oldmanweldon) March 22, 2014
Joe Rogan: Yes, I did take big tokes of DMT. And yes I did see all the atoms of the soul. Supreme Court: [gasping, talking among themselves]— John V (@wettbutt) March 22, 2014
420. Anyone heard of this number? Anyone? You know what that number means? Look it up, and have fun dude.— Hoo hoo hoo! (@Perfect_Beanis) March 22, 2014
I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts— sara (@mrsjohngoodman) March 12, 2014
And he's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight? Check, check and check. Look no further, I'm here!— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) March 22, 2014
Hello Sharks. My name is Stefan, and I- *accidentally drives combination riding mower/toilet through the wall of the Shark Tank set*— stefan (@boring_as_heck) March 23, 2014
Kissing the Stanley Cup is the third most common way of transmitting Hepatitis C.— dan guterman (@danguterman) March 23, 2014
Kids are watching the previous Muppet movie on cable & I must say that all the villains have pretty compelling anti-Muppet arguments— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 23, 2014
LAWYER: DO adult men argue on line about game consoles? STEVEN SEAGAL squints and mouths "what?" JUDGE: I direct you to answer that question— NFL RObot Wheatus (@wheatretard) March 23, 2014
im rejuvenated and ready to fuck— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) March 24, 2014
If you think about it, mechanized infantry and the blitzkrieg doctrine was the first "killer app" *resumes innovating*— Degenerate Gandhi (@Bro_Pair) March 24, 2014
Sleeping with AC is at this point a basic human right. But if you're one of the doomed souls forced to deal with global warming on a nightly basis, here's an hourly breakdown on how to get the most out of your inferno hellscape of a bedroom.
Some of the Internet's most veteran anatomy experts convened to discuss the stolen nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other beautiful celebrities.
We're spelunking through the movie catacombs this week. Join us, won't you?
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!