FYI youve been sitting backwards the whole time. the tank of the toilet is for resting your big boobs on when you take a crap.— Michael Hale (@dogboner) April 22, 2013
How are we supposed to know you have a sense of humor if your t-shirt doesn't feature a funny riff on the Facebook "Like" button?— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) April 22, 2013
If any of you guys work at Target, I just spilled 15 pounds of dog food and left.— Zoë Klar (@madamezooble) April 22, 2013
♫ We're up all night to get Kony. ♫— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) April 22, 2013
SOMETIMES YOU WANNA GO / WHERE EVERYBODYS ANIME— AlmightyBob (@AlmightyBoob) April 22, 2013
BREAKING: Redditors painstakingly reconstructing the Boston Marathon carnage in Minecraft have finally found a possible suspect.— Dan (@dankmtl) April 22, 2013
Oh, those mad mad men of thrones!!! Gosh I love TV. I'm teen— Kathy Salerno (@Kpartyawesome) April 22, 2013
there's tons of ways to mine coal, take your pick— ∴ dataisplural (@dataisplural) April 21, 2013
my sister's dog just pooped in a petco I'm never eating here again— tim irl (@timmeehan666) April 21, 2013
some girl told me I looked tired today so I told her she looked really pretty like adele— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) April 21, 2013
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight— HE-BRO or angie (@iamWillemDafoe) April 20, 2013
just got a e-bill. still can't believe i drunkenly got a 3-year membership to play family feud online.— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 19, 2013
*one guy on reddit posts his theory* Reddit did it. This was all us, yall. The future of news. *it's proven wrong* uh it was just one guy— stefan(@boring_as_heck) April 19, 2013
im sorry im not some beuatiful hollywood starlet like shrek, or shrek 2— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) April 19, 2013
Ppl who tweet porn stars talking about how much they want to fuck them are sadder than ppl following Harrison Ford asking how Chewbacca is— Moonshine (@DoctorDogballs) April 17, 2013
you won't be leaving the house today Ken my man, no need for one of your "first string" concert t-shirts— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 17, 2013
Damn I was drunk last night, better call a cab so I can go get my car from Curves— MattyTalks(@mattytalks) April 13, 2013
Missed connection: You farted in the theatre during Patch Adams, when @robinwilliams cried when Carin was murdered. I laughed the loudest.— Shawn Garrett (@ShawnGarrett) April 13, 2013
eminem i think this "slim shady" maybe is you. yall at least know each other. whichever of you is saying curses cant hide forever— DVS(@DVSblast) April 13, 2013
Just boarded flight to Phoenix & someone said: 'Thanks for all the good entertainment over the years.' Entertainment?— Wolf Blitzer (@wolfblitzer) February 19, 2012
🎶I love to knife-fight, I got to boogie🎶— john truckasauras (@chuchugoogoo) December 2, 2012
attention new irl people who found my twitter: my tweets are all jokes even though they don't have sarcastic e-card guys next to them.— nate 'vrunt' lamagna (@vrunt) January 23, 2013
November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone— jawbroken (@jawbroken) November 7, 2010
Woah, had a dream I eat a huge marshmallow n I woke up n my pillow was gone, I check my dad room n he was fuckin it real damn hard— Duke LongSumthinElse (@dukelongboard) November 9, 2012
If u didn't sign everyone's yearbooks "imma ball til I fuckin die" then they probably think you stopped balling— Greg (@weedguy420boner) April 13, 2013
Nightwatch Brigade Insignia: Awarded for hiding in a coat closet and watching God's Not Dead, God's Not Dead 2, and Last Man Standing on a 1980s-era portable tv every night instead of sleeping
Why you honk and how it’s misinterpreted.
If you think Hitler was good, you've got another thing coming.
These tips are guaranteed to work. Nearly every time.
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!