Lifehack: if you put together the grids of every 2013 NY Times crossword puzzle, you get the QR code for Will Shortz's secret hentai website- Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 2, 2013
today I made a new friend. It's a pizza- elle (@elleoreid) July 1, 2013
*slams empty 40oz of Activia down on the counter* BARTENDER- Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) July 1, 2013
"dont be afraid to let your body die" - debbie harry at the end of videodrome/me to my neighbors fat shithead son thru a hole in the fence- BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) July 1, 2013
It's cool how you can say shit like "dubstep isnt real music" on twitter and then *poof* you have something to do for a while- #(52,)3( (@Cryptoterra) June 30, 2013
i can tell how beautiful a man`s soul is by putting both of my hands on the hood of his car and thrashing my neck around to awaken god- wint (@dril) June 30, 2013
watching the episode of blue planet about deep sea creatures and I just keep saying 'get the fuck out of here' @ every new weird ass fish- Dillinger Four Loko (@pete_c_) June 29, 2013
went to the doctors for a physical and he looked at me and said "way too much pizza" and wrote me a prescription for a c-cup bra- ben errrrrrrrrrrrrrr (@MuscularSon) June 29, 2013
Just met a guy named Harley who didn't think his name or the motorcycle revving noises I made were nearly as hilarious as I did.- Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) June 28, 2013
i got some CHOICEY cusses primed up for when shit doesnt go down how i like it at the buffalo wild wings tonight- dumpster meat (@grifteezy) June 28, 2013
i'm done sweating but will again in the future, if i think about sports or see a titty- BRASNON (@bransonbranson) June 28, 2013
EMILY JUST CALLED A GUY NAMED RICHARD LORD AND HE GOES BY "DICK LORD." THIS IS NOT A DRILL, NOT A DREAM, NOT A WHAT-IF STORY- Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) June 28, 2013
�ãã< ´e �� < �|��� 6 e����< � * _ *) ����� 5 5 excuse me haters??? - David Thorpe (@Arr) June 28, 2013
Don't sweat on Tom Petty's stuff.- Daniel Valle Duarte (@OhDuarte) June 27, 2013
I'm in one of those towns where "this is an iPhone 5" is a decent pick-up line.- Alex Baze (@bazecraze) June 26, 2013
im going to put my crocs on now and go outside, since i actually have a life. [puts on crocs and stands on the deck looking in at computer]- Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) June 25, 2013
I mean, all those hot babes in the Playboy mansion are sometimes taking huge shits in there and farting.- Spirit Ghost (@haha_what) June 25, 2013
I can't believe it's been four years since a total stranger walked up to me at my job and said, "Hey, Michael Jackson died."- Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) June 25, 2013
Today is so hot that it's not returning my text messages.- Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) June 25, 2013
*spends eight hours working up the courage to buy the bic lighter with the ass on it*- hi guys (@spaceship_earth) June 25, 2013
Lesson 1: I How to tell if I want to talk to you on facebook chat. Answer: I do not want to talk to you on Facebook chat.- emily faye (@emilyfaye2) June 25, 2013
pretty sick of having the best calves anywhere anytime- Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) June 24, 2013
Hey everybody ! No biggie, I'm just a husky drunk dad at a restaurant bar by myself typing on my phone like I'm texting someone- mike c (@DinkMagic) June 25, 2013
i like pokemon because i like to dig around in trash cans and go into houses with no invite and loiter a lot- dummy (@elzw) June 24, 2013
*googles "hot guy drinking wine"* *switches back to okcupid photo upload tab*- bobo (@thrillbo) June 23, 2013
“Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden- Rory Patrick (@RorynotRoy) June 23, 2013
me and my boys gathering around a boulder during the supermoon. we r going to beat the shit out of it. this is the only night it's possible- World Class Lover (@bIoach) June 23, 2013
< DOGS <- Marlo Meekins (@MarloMeekins) June 22, 2013
I'll ask for a plastic cup for water at a fast food place and I'll put Sprite in that shit I don't even care.- david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) June 21, 2013
RT mobile games reviewer Jeff Glukhov quits RT after being forced to give pro-Russian reviews to various iPhone and Android games.
Be on the lookout for these armed and dangerous oldsters.
Kurt Cobain and gang finally learn the truth behind Morton Downey's evil scheme.
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!