Sext: Cancel your plans. I have the original Stepford Wives, a kerchief like Katherine Ross's, and I'm making spaghetti— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) July 16, 2013
If you've got a lady comin over make sure you leave condoms all over your house so she knows you'll put out— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) July 15, 2013
I just want to shit in the grass and everyone be cool about it for once.— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) July 15, 2013
*hangs a bunch of salami above the tub* Look up, it's a meatier shower— MattyTalks (@mattytalks) July 14, 2013
I'm not going to pass judgement on the Zimmerman verdict until there's a "Celebs Tweet About Zimmerman Verdict" article on CNN.— stefan (@boring_as_heck) July 13, 2013
I wish all those dickheads that bullied me in high school could see how much Internet ass I get now.— Mr Hand (@SniffMyPickle) July 13, 2013
i saw a guy stroking off while he was driving on the highway once. pre-rebuttals: 1. i was not looking at a mirror. 2. i was not in the car— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) July 13, 2013
Something about Field of Dreams originally being named Ghosts Playing Cornfield Baseball...— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) July 13, 2013
sure i treat my body like a temple- a t e m p l e o f d o o m— rap game glenna (@glenna_opt) July 12, 2013
Who is this crazy asshole in Rapper's Delight who's so hellbent on making people eat his mom's shitty food?!— $pencer (@13spencer) July 12, 2013
Noah also had another son, Enos the Pervert, whose actions explain why wild animals have feared or tried to eat us ever since.— woodmuffin (@woodmuffin) July 11, 2013
the fucker friend who fed me a cauliflower crust pizza can taste my fucking blade— ben errrrrrrrrrrrrrr (@MuscularSon) July 11, 2013
my favorite google search: "Serpico hair FAQ"— priscilla (@BBW_BFF) July 11, 2013
if your name is Dan and you're over about 19 and still answering to "Dan the Man" can I interview you for my gawker article— tinybaby (@tinybaby) July 11, 2013
"What kind of beer do you have?" "Bud, Heineken and Blue Moon." "Oh, are we on an airplane?"— Michele Catalano (@inthefade) July 10, 2013
Oh yeah? Well would a pussy dad do THIS? *lovingly folds son's Umbros and wonders where the time has gone* Pussy Dad, coming to ABC— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) July 10, 2013
The Mystery Of ChexMixing— DVS (@DVSblast) July 9, 2013
falcon heene farting on larry king has been broadcasted into space and it will keep going forever— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) July 9, 2013
gotta stop looking at vines of tiny penis guys jacking off before my gf wakes up and looks over my shoulder— Michael Hale (@dogboner) July 9, 2013
I hear George Clooney is single again. Maybe he should check out that OkCupid website. A lot of people seem to have luck with it.— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) July 8, 2013
Alone in bed in the dark, laughing because the guy on your sleep hypnosis tapes has a lisp is a rough time to find out you're going to hell.— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) July 8, 2013
WHOAAA MY TWITTER IS BLOWIN UP TONIGHT!!! *takes frozen dinner out of the microwave and cuts a slit in the cellophane above the corn*— tom (@kilobees) July 8, 2013
very soothing to fall asleep while gazing into the elaborate funhouse mirror setup surrounding the bed, flexing at my muscular illusions— nt (@genderentropy) July 7, 2013
if you see bright green flash illuminate the sky this evening it means my spell to give all cops bowlcuts has worked. red means im in jail— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) July 6, 2013
to imagine me eating pussy imagine a pig going wild on a watermelon— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) July 6, 2013
what side are cyclopses' tear ducts on and other things my wife didn't want to talk about at dinner— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 6, 2013
You take the average woman and the average man and you put them together in a room, I would love to be a fly on the wall for that one, boy!— Colin Quinn (@iamcolinquinn) July 5, 2013
i just found an old carrot with a bunch of hairs coming out of it in the bottom of the crisper drawer. jackpot— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) July 5, 2013
Forget Target or Best Buy, if you want deals this Black Friday you can't do better than smoking massive, mind-melting quantities of DMT.
A reluctant family is forced to welcome a non-human participant to Thanksgiving dinner.
You cant go around life being smart in an unconventional way, it could change the world.
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!