i can't believe there's a guy named Zayn Malik and he's not even a Bond villain or something— bub bub tell 'em (@bub__bub) September 2, 2013
I've been eating nothing but 7-11 hot dogs for about 3 weeks and my fingernails are all wavy now?— Eddie Brawley (@ebrawley) September 2, 2013
*bows head and holds hands with family around dinner table* dear lord, we thank you for these lovely clits that we're about to munch down on— rad milk (@rad_milk) September 2, 2013
one time i saw college aged guys grilling outside, listening to club music. one of them said "when the cat's away, the mice will play"— Neon ''Butch'' Wario (@neonwario) September 3, 2013
sick and tired of my neighbor booing whenever i watch anime. drilling hole into her apt to stick my weener through and piss on her stuff— BAKÖÖN (@BAKKOOONN) September 2, 2013
Happy Labor Day!— Coolio (@coolio) September 2, 2013
what if one horny man was responsible for over 18% of all craigslist casual encounters posts. what if you were shaking his hand right now— something something (@6thgrade4ever) September 3, 2013
[about to be hanged for treason] this is as bad as that Miley cyrus tweerking thing hahaha [bloodthirsty crowd laughs & blows up my favstar]— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) September 3, 2013
ahhh now to read up on pharmacology and psychoactives from some dude named ryan from buzzfeed— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) September 3, 2013
#WhyWontGirlsHaveSexWithMe is one of those rare turns of phrase that is the answer to the question it asks.— brendle what (@brendlewhat) September 4, 2013
#WhyWontGirlsHaveSexWithMe i only take first dates to harlem globetrotters games to promote an aura of success and they dont tour here often— Donald Hughes (@donald_hughes) September 4, 2013
I'd like to go ahead and rule out running in 2014. Not for office, just in general.— Jason Isbell (@JasonIsbell) September 4, 2013
A McDonald's commercial for $4.99 20 piece chicken McNuggets made my mouth water. Please don't RT.— molly (@Molly_Kats) September 4, 2013
They made a coffin that plays music. I have now changed my stance on death & I want to die & I am assembling my playlist right now— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) September 4, 2013
Ma'am, I'm sorry to inform you that your baby will spend the rest of his life... *deep breath* ...promoting his personal brand.— Ari Scott (@ariscott) September 4, 2013
The baby just puked, i think his body is rejecting the pepsi— Jobes (@JrJobes) September 4, 2013
Here's my Breaking Bad theory: some of you are using anticipation for a TV show's finale to substitute for excitement in your actual lives.— Buff Daddy (@KeyserSogay) September 4, 2013
i finally worked up enough courage to cry in front of the pregnant woman who frequents my gym— wint (@dril) September 4, 2013
I'm a gamer foodie. Lol at cheetos and mt dew. Toasted eggplant avocado wraps much? Eat a braised quail slider every time i get a headshot— lehan (@leh0n) September 4, 2013
#JohnMcCainIsMoreUselessThan My Ass Which Gets Hard When I Am Horny, Instead Of My Dick Like Normal People— michael hale (@dogboner) September 5, 2013
Don't know if it's anxiety or the 5pm latte but regardless this expired generic feline Atavan just isn't doing the trick.— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) September 5, 2013
Pranksters Kick Open Stall Door And Tase Man On Toilet Causing Him To Shit Uncontrollably (ORIGINAL) - Uploaded by PrankTube - 362,706 views— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) September 5, 2013
seeing people not interested in football, tweet during football, is like watching someone feel around on the ground for their broken glasses— dark triad tweeter (@bIoach) September 6, 2013
the only place where vagina is before vegeta is in the dictionary— joe (@super_bugs) September 6, 2013
There's a two-week-old piece of caramel corn stuck in the "s" key yes I already tried to vacuum suck it out with my mouth it any other ideas— Emily Donahue (@seriouslyemily) September 6, 2013
an image ingrained in my mind is a 30 year old 5' tall dude from my town with a mullet spinning nunchuks outside his mom's trailer— Dan (@dankmtl) September 7, 2013
the boxing & fight sports guys spit out the water they sip because the coach is always whispering black friday tv deals in their ears— John V (@wettbutt) September 7, 2013
I SEE YOU, 30-SOMETHINGS WITH NEW VISIBLE TATTOOS. IT'S TOO LATE THO— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) September 7, 2013
brb just gonna slip into something a little more comfortable *returns wearing period-stained flannel pants and an oversized band t-shirt*— Saragh Adams (@SaraghAdams) September 8, 2013
idk what football game is on tv rn but i just recited all of biggies 10 crack commandments to my father and he didnt even look up wtf— rap game glenna (@glenna_opt) September 8, 2013
I look like an expertly preserved corpse in every picture.— emily faye (@emilyfaye2) September 9, 2013
suing hypercolor fedoras inc. for embarrassing yellow patch indicating high heat in the thinking about riding dragons + crying brain area— mike c (@DinkMagic) September 9, 2013
trying to sext on a rotary phone— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) September 9, 2013
Does it mess up your chainsaw blade/chain if u paint it?— GraeyDave (@graeyalien) September 10, 2013
told my stepdad that in Korea gamers are revered as powerful godlike beings and he left the dinner table and threw my xbox into the pool— stefan (@boring_as_heck) September 10, 2013
Just met with my divorce attorney. Looks like the ex is going to get everything (except rap and country)— Jackson Polyp (@JacksonPolyp) September 10, 2013
Master is troll wizard, so's if he get angry he might cast spell up on my self and bite off my whole head in one chomp.
It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.
We're spelunking through the movie catacombs this week. Join us, won't you?
Kirk Cameron destroys the internet with his rage and jacks it to boats, hallelujah!
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!