"He still so wants me." -- me, regarding every Facebook engagement announcement— Zooey Davechappelle (@mauracakes) October 22, 2012
Apparently saying "Let's get married!!!" to a guy isn't a very good pick up line.— Tricia(@Im_Tricia) October 20, 2012
I think I'm probably pretty enough to play a young mom in a Swiffer ad.— Zoë Klar (@madamezooble) October 19, 2012
My phone automatically changes “murdering” to “murderorgies.” Who’s free tonight?— Kelly Pentland (@MmeSurly) October 22, 2012
My existence is like the scene in Dumb and Dumber when Jeff Daniels screams "BE RIGHT OUT" while frantically trying to flush his colon shame— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) October 21, 2012
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!