if you don't already hate humanity, do a Youtube search for "Sonic the Hedgehog rant," your opinion will sway.— Rich Lowtax Kyanka (@lowtax) December 3, 2013
Is there a photo editing app that makes me not look like Alice Cooper?— Marie Colette (@MarieColette) December 3, 2013
From now on, anyone who uses the phrase "won the internet" is automatically disqualified from the internet.— Nell Scovell (@NellSco) December 3, 2013
richard dawkins trying to understand basic human interaction is like a weak child trying to open a giant pickle jar— Greg (@weedguy420boner) December 3, 2013
its a nice day for a .... cyber monday... its a nice day to.... shop again!!! ooh come on... take me online now... to ... shop againnnn— first time slammer (@olhnso) December 2, 2013
i def can't wait to find out how many dickheads identified their religion as "pastafarian" in the 2013 census.— milt ronmey (@someofmybest) December 2, 2013
all you have to do is "click" to join my clique, online that is ;). also your name must be some variation of nightstalker— jerry icy (@dangerousneil) December 2, 2013
Not to brag but I can still fit in my culturally-defined gender roles from high school!— Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 2, 2013
my high school b-ball team dabbled in the black arts, passing the talisman of PleasureKevin from man to man,.. enhancing our pussy licking— deg (@degg) December 2, 2013
Tricked a kid into reading Tom Sawyer for me.— dan guterman (@danguterman) December 1, 2013
wonkas factory essentially has an 20% survival rate— christmas lindsey (@Lindzeta) November 30, 2013
family asked what i do at the THanksgiving table.. revealed that i fight commercial holidays like this online (the new frontier of activism)— COMPUTER_KID (@COMPUTER_KID) November 29, 2013
Nothing says "I'm very thankful for everything I have" like waiting in line all night to buy some new shit— Patrick Ryan (@patrickmarkryan) November 29, 2013
"comin' in hot" I scream as I run into a crowded bathroom and fart into a urinal— meatlobes (@meatlobes) November 29, 2013
Sweet that this Thanksgiving my entire family observed a moment of silence. Weird that it was after Grandma asked what we were thankful for.— Jennifer L. (@TheFearBoners) November 29, 2013
Really looking forward to being the hot drunk aunt at future holiday gatherings.— amber (@soleilalaplage) November 28, 2013
THANKFUL FOR ALL THIS PUSSY— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) November 28, 2013
these potato wedges are too thick... like tunneling through a never-ending potato... life is suffering... down so long don't know what up is— getfiscal (@getfiscal) November 28, 2013
Ding Ding dinners ready! *rolls up to kids table in my comp chair*— My Info (@pr0spector88) November 28, 2013
[i'm obscenely guffawing at the head of a banquet table eating a jumbo turkey leg, my favorite books in the other chairs around the table]— brendle what (@brendlewhat) November 28, 2013
I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) June 20, 2012
i resemble sports illustrated in that im worthless and i have swimsuit issues— bog dole (@bug_deal) October 20, 2010
some day i'm gonna get hit by a car driven by a secretary who owns 5 chicken soup for the soul books and she's not gonna stop— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) October 14, 2010
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 5 billion dollaers???— ''Steve'' (@extranapkins) August 7, 2010
*alarm goes off* ah another day to promote libertarianism!! *bolts upright in bed, bonking my head on the top bunk which knocks me out cold*— L Ǝ O И (@leyawn) November 27, 2013
wine and pop tarts, you're the one / you make bath time so much fun— soccerbabe2003 (@realemilyattack) November 27, 2013
oh no i forgot to let love soften my rough edges i forgot to do that oh no— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) November 26, 2013
quit vining yourself pulling pranks on people who make minimum wage you pieces of shit— Tracy Marquez (@tracy_marq) November 26, 2013
*gallops off into the sunset laughing at yo bitch ass*— Barack Obama (@itsa_talia) November 26, 2013
I believe in a thing called shrek.— Shed Shitley (@DinkMagic) November 26, 2013
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
To celebrate this week's announcement of Mega Man 11 - the first Mega Man game since Mega Man 6 on the NES - let's remember all the terrific bosses we've faced in this beloved series!
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!