I want to adopt a dog rescued from dogfighting, but only if it was a winner— Virgil Xmas (@virgiltexas) December 20, 2013
im at the beach trying real hard to get my nip slip out there. no shutterbugs in sight. I have the whole titty out and it is very sandy— Michael Hale (@dogboner) December 20, 2013
yet another holiday party ruined by sex carl getting too drunk. tis the season— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) December 21, 2013
it's really funny how people get jobs at Buzzfeed and then start pretending it's good, there must be something in the contract about that— 萌え et Chandon (@notveryraven) December 21, 2013
Driving my sled like a maniac with these sexy women reindeer leading the way......, Yeah baby— COMPUTER_KID (@COMPUTER_KID) December 21, 2013
soon as she say horoscope u best b runnin— yung turd (@yungturd) December 21, 2013
Fun prank: next time your friend asks you for a ride to the airport, give him a ride & then sleep with his girlfriend while he's gone.— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) December 21, 2013
my friends 16-year-old brothers friends wrote "bareback king" all over his parents minivan after he lost his virginity without a condom— soccerbabe2003 (@realemilyattack) December 21, 2013
'You work at Subway, you bald-headed bitch' is a thing I just heard a lady wearing a Jason mask scream to the woman making her sub. #alabama— Lauren Fontaine (@saidbylauren) December 22, 2013
whats better - the seinfeld tv show or the movie he made about a woman falling in love with a bee— Jack Allison (@jackallisonLOL) December 22, 2013
I'll probably die in a car wash— Rachel (@googleymoogley) December 23, 2013
the official guitar world forums are not ready for me to unleash 100% astral projection techniques to smoke up dimebag, rhoads, and hendrix— erik h (@trash_eater_dog) December 23, 2013
many colleagues lecturing me that my linkedin profile pic is "unprofessional". It is a fucked up drawing of mega man— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) December 24, 2013
it's that time of year again, gang and my gift to you.. is another year of great tweets, gags and content from me , the king of twitter!— Michael Hale (@dogboner) December 24, 2013
Achievement Unlocked:Crisis Vaper. This user maintained or even elevated his vaping while local to a major humanitarian crisis— The Hot Taker (@SpookyMuscleman) December 26, 2013
this parent teacher meeting has just taken a turn for the #epic now that we both realized the other is secretly eating a lady speed stick— Mike Radowitz (@MikesRadTwites) December 28, 2013
I missed the opportunity to swing around my Old Fashioned around like a dipshit and say “im drinking a craft cocktail” like a thousand times— jon 'T-Bone' tbone (@Ennui_Raver) December 28, 2013
When I go to a house party I calculate the carbon footprint and announce the total at midnight. I am not invited to parties anymore.— ragtime piglet (@frolixo) December 28, 2013
open letter to cesar milan thanking him for not having sex with any of the dogs— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) December 29, 2013
hhhhahha my friend sent me a snapchat of himself alone in a limo just saying woooooah im in a limousine woaaah— jerry icy (@dangerousneil) December 29, 2013
My favorite part of hip fashion in the past few years was when dudes started wearing tiny lil Beavis shoes— Helena Bottom-Farter (@solikebasically) December 29, 2013
my parents had 2 cats that were black named amos and andy and they gave one to my grandmother and she misunderstood so now they're both amos— tinybaby (@tinybaby) December 29, 2013
i would be a lovable oaf were i large. as it is i inspire only pity and concern— something something (@6thgrade4ever) December 29, 2013
ever since I installed the chili's app on my phone, I've been able to get great neighborhood deals and not have to sacrifice great taste— mike (@FARTDAUGHTER) December 29, 2013
Ok, 12 Years A Slave, let's do this!!!!!!!!— billy eichner (@billyeichner) December 29, 2013
If you see someone post some insanely dark shit on here like "this pain of life is unbearable" wait a couple hours b4 u unfollow to be safe— Shed Shitley (@DinkMagic) December 29, 2013
it'd be cool if we all agreed to put gene simmons in jail for the rest of his life for no reason and we filmed his confusion & anger for tv— John V (@wettbutt) December 30, 2013
Thinking about posting a video on YouTube. It's been a while since someone told me I'm gay and should kill myself.— Scott Losse (@Scott_Losse) December 30, 2013
For real first time I heard of EMO was an AOL chat . I thought "WeezerQueen" was just a girl with a bad cough tbh. I was like 9-10— zachary garren (@zacharygarren) December 30, 2013
It is standard procedure for the White House to have a synthetic. But it sometimes malfunctions...
This VR game has become sentient and is killing us one by one. But is it art?
If you think Hitler was good, you've got another thing coming.
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!