I want to adopt a dog rescued from dogfighting, but only if it was a winner— Virgil Xmas (@virgiltexas) December 20, 2013
im at the beach trying real hard to get my nip slip out there. no shutterbugs in sight. I have the whole titty out and it is very sandy— Michael Hale (@dogboner) December 20, 2013
yet another holiday party ruined by sex carl getting too drunk. tis the season— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) December 21, 2013
it's really funny how people get jobs at Buzzfeed and then start pretending it's good, there must be something in the contract about that— 萌え et Chandon (@notveryraven) December 21, 2013
Driving my sled like a maniac with these sexy women reindeer leading the way......, Yeah baby— COMPUTER_KID (@COMPUTER_KID) December 21, 2013
soon as she say horoscope u best b runnin— yung turd (@yungturd) December 21, 2013
Fun prank: next time your friend asks you for a ride to the airport, give him a ride & then sleep with his girlfriend while he's gone.— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) December 21, 2013
my friends 16-year-old brothers friends wrote "bareback king" all over his parents minivan after he lost his virginity without a condom— soccerbabe2003 (@realemilyattack) December 21, 2013
'You work at Subway, you bald-headed bitch' is a thing I just heard a lady wearing a Jason mask scream to the woman making her sub. #alabama— Lauren Fontaine (@saidbylauren) December 22, 2013
whats better - the seinfeld tv show or the movie he made about a woman falling in love with a bee— Jack Allison (@jackallisonLOL) December 22, 2013
I'll probably die in a car wash— Rachel (@googleymoogley) December 23, 2013
the official guitar world forums are not ready for me to unleash 100% astral projection techniques to smoke up dimebag, rhoads, and hendrix— erik h (@trash_eater_dog) December 23, 2013
many colleagues lecturing me that my linkedin profile pic is "unprofessional". It is a fucked up drawing of mega man— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) December 24, 2013
it's that time of year again, gang and my gift to you.. is another year of great tweets, gags and content from me , the king of twitter!— Michael Hale (@dogboner) December 24, 2013
Achievement Unlocked:Crisis Vaper. This user maintained or even elevated his vaping while local to a major humanitarian crisis— The Hot Taker (@SpookyMuscleman) December 26, 2013
this parent teacher meeting has just taken a turn for the #epic now that we both realized the other is secretly eating a lady speed stick— Mike Radowitz (@MikesRadTwites) December 28, 2013
I missed the opportunity to swing around my Old Fashioned around like a dipshit and say “im drinking a craft cocktail” like a thousand times— jon 'T-Bone' tbone (@Ennui_Raver) December 28, 2013
When I go to a house party I calculate the carbon footprint and announce the total at midnight. I am not invited to parties anymore.— ragtime piglet (@frolixo) December 28, 2013
open letter to cesar milan thanking him for not having sex with any of the dogs— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) December 29, 2013
hhhhahha my friend sent me a snapchat of himself alone in a limo just saying woooooah im in a limousine woaaah— jerry icy (@dangerousneil) December 29, 2013
My favorite part of hip fashion in the past few years was when dudes started wearing tiny lil Beavis shoes— Helena Bottom-Farter (@solikebasically) December 29, 2013
my parents had 2 cats that were black named amos and andy and they gave one to my grandmother and she misunderstood so now they're both amos— tinybaby (@tinybaby) December 29, 2013
i would be a lovable oaf were i large. as it is i inspire only pity and concern— something something (@6thgrade4ever) December 29, 2013
ever since I installed the chili's app on my phone, I've been able to get great neighborhood deals and not have to sacrifice great taste— mike (@FARTDAUGHTER) December 29, 2013
Ok, 12 Years A Slave, let's do this!!!!!!!!— billy eichner (@billyeichner) December 29, 2013
If you see someone post some insanely dark shit on here like "this pain of life is unbearable" wait a couple hours b4 u unfollow to be safe— Shed Shitley (@DinkMagic) December 29, 2013
it'd be cool if we all agreed to put gene simmons in jail for the rest of his life for no reason and we filmed his confusion & anger for tv— John V (@wettbutt) December 30, 2013
Thinking about posting a video on YouTube. It's been a while since someone told me I'm gay and should kill myself.— Scott Losse (@Scott_Losse) December 30, 2013
For real first time I heard of EMO was an AOL chat . I thought "WeezerQueen" was just a girl with a bad cough tbh. I was like 9-10— zachary garren (@zacharygarren) December 30, 2013
Gentle creature Mark Zuckerberg informs you that he enjoys his dog and wife the normal human amount. That he has a plan. That he will be Gentle Leader.
Afraid of ideas and free speech? Well then you better not read this article, coward.
Candles scented like Destiny planets - increases KDR by 26%!
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!