BREAKING NEWS: Ouya Console Ceases Production Following Complaint Filed By Estate Of "Macho Man" Randy Savage

Although the Kickstarter-funded Ouya console has managed to take a lot of dollars from the pockets of gullible people who have bad taste, it has its fair share of problems.

It proclaims to be an open platform when it's clearly not. The games have been touted as free when they are, in fact, paid-for apps in a closed marketplace, with free demos. The stated goals for the hardware do not line up with the reality of manufacturing costs. There is very little concrete progress to show for all of the Ouya's chest-beating, as so far every aspect of the project has been hyped with vague (and often misleading) terminology. A cheap home theater PC could outdo everything the Ouya claims to do for marginally more money.

Now the Ouya is in hot water thanks to the estate of Randy Savage. As you may remember, the legendary professional wrestler's trademark catchphrase was "Oooo ya!" The estate is not complaining about the Ouya brand name infringing on their intellectual property. Instead, they are complaining that the console is a scam.

"Come on," said a spokesperson for the estate, "this thing is a joke. It's the next Phantom! Even if it does come out - and I assure you it won't - it's going to be a terrible device with zero support. You might be able to play cell phone games on your tv. Great. The future is here. Seriously, have you seen the latest mockup? Hahahaha!"

In reaction to these strong words, the makers of Ouya have fled the country.


Star Wars: The Old Republic To Add Same-Sex Romance

It was sort of strange that The Old Republic launched without homosexual relationships. Romance is poorly handled in all BioWare games, but if they're going to put the feature in there it might as well be all-inclusive.

In an upcoming patch, players will finally be able to have same-sex relationships. All they'll have to do is travel for three hours then find one of two appropriate NPCs. They will be located in a cantina the size of a stadium, with five patrons. Talking to the NPC will start the premium questline, which only costs 10,000 Cartel Points or $8, or 200 Cartel Points for subscribers. Please be aware that the flowers which are necessary to complete your romance can only be stored in a premium inventory slot, which is available for an additional sum.


Sony Stops Producing PlayStation 2 Units

Twelve years after the PlayStation 2 debuted, production has officially come to an end.

Sony officials were surprised when they wandered into one of their forgotten factories and noticed that all the lights were on, with all sorts of large machines mass producing PlayStation 2 units. The Sony businessmen - having assumed that they stopped making the console once the PS3 launched - grasped the sides of their heads and opened their mouths in comedic shock.

After unplugging all of the machines and flicking the lights on and off, the executives shooed the factory workers from the building. Finally, they turned to one another and breathed a sigh of relief, thankful to have caught the mistake before it could cost them even more money.

Then, one executive asked if the others heard a noise coming from the old PlayStation 1 factory.

Oh, by the way. On the same week that the PlayStation 2 ended its twelve year run, EA pulled its multiplayer servers for a dozen games, many of which were released in 2011.

It's a good thing that video game companies don't wrap their games up in unnecessary online components, right? Surely the upcoming Sim City won't run the risk of being neutered when EA decides to shut down its servers years from now.


Minecraft Sells 5 Million Copies On Xbox

I tend to avoid stories that deal with sales numbers. Those figures are completely detached from the actual quality of games and the things that make them interesting.

This time I'll make an exception. Minecraft has managed to move 5 million XBLA copies. Why is this notable? Because that's 1 copy for every block that can't be rendered on the Xbox 360 due to memory limitations. It sold 1 copy for each time that someone in Minecraft has explored a few holes and built something without any real use, then said "Huh, I guess that's it." That's 1 copy for every gaming article that has treated Notch as a deity. If everyone that bought a copy of Minecraft on the Xbox 360 laid down end to end, someone in there would have a boner.

That last one doesn't really have anything to do with Minecraft. It's just true.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

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