The video game press loves to simulate them some Super Bowls. Every year, dozens of sites pop in the latest Madden game and pit the two real-life Super Bowl teams against one another, then post the result.

The problem is, they only publish the final score. That's nothing. If this is really the most prescient video game of all time, how about breaking the game down and showing us every minor detail that was prognosticated?

That's exactly what we've done in this, the most in-depth Super Bowl prediction article of all time. All of the following happened in our simulated matchup between the Packers and Steelers, so we feel confident that they will all come true.

Bonus prediction before we start: This article's accuracy and resulting success will shame IGN into closing shop.

  • When a passed ball comes within three feet of a receiver, it will magically snap into his open hands.
  • Each quarter will last five minutes.
  • Between plays, the camera will occasionally zoom in on Ben Roethlisberger, revealing soulless eyes set in a disturbing lumpy face. He will appear to be an empty husk of a man, a creature capable of terrible deeds.
  • At least one of the coaches will pick plays by selecting the first option shoved in front of his face.
  • There will be more in-game advertisements than any televised football game in history.
  • If any player has used equipment, they will need to pay $10 to Electronic Arts to participate in the Super Bowl.
  • 90% of the time that a defensive player leaps in the air to tackle an opponent, he will miss his quarry by several feet.
  • When one team has an insurmountable lead, the other team will duck into the tunnels and disappear.
  • The announcers will be less annoying than Joe Buck and Troy Aikman, and the words "Brett Favre" will never come up.
  • The entire game will be presented by skycam.
  • Every player's post-play celebrations will be remarkably similar to everyone else's.
  • Sometimes a man will move sideways without shuffling his feet.
  • The halftime show will be conspicuously absent, a definite improvement over the scheduled performance by the Black Eyed Peas.
  • The audience will consist of the same 20 people. No one will leave their seats.
  • For the viewer's convenience, the man with the ball will be highlighted by a gigantic circle surrounding his feet.
  • When a ball is batted by a lineman, it will float as if on the moon, then settle on the back of someone's head and somehow snap into place.
  • Immediately following the game, the winners will appear in front of the White House, presumably via teleporter.
  • When the game is over, I will excitedly turn to high five someone and remember that I am alone.

Magicka
An incredibly fun spell system with thousands of possible combinations, most of which blow the caster into bloody chunks. 9/10

Two Worlds II
By taking the game seriously this time around and making it technically better, they've made it less fun. 6/10

Emergency 2012
I'm glad this is set in 2012, because I don't think we're ready for a disaster of this magnitude. 3/10

Dead Space 2
The continuing adventures ofGordon FreemanR.J. MacReadyRipleyStomp Spaceman. 8/10

Bionic Commando Rearmed 2
When you want to explain how changing game mechanics for the sake of change isn't a good idea, you now have a perfect example. 6/10

Killzone 3
Now that I don't have to use the PS3 controller, this series is looking pretty good! 8/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

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