I'm not sure where this vicious rumor originated, but word on the internet is that from time to time Something Awful likes to take stupid and horrible topics and... and... try to turn them into something entertaining through the use of humor. Sorry, I could barely complete that sentence with so much bile rising in my throat. The concept is too upsetting to stomach.
For the record, those rumors are simply not true. If our website did anything as deplorable as that we would have been shut down long ago. That shit sounds illegal.
In the interest of unsmirching our besmirched image, Video Game Article will spotlight some of the worst games of all time over the next few weeks and compliment them, going so far as to make a case for each to be considered the greatest game ever made. When we're done defending these festering atrocities, no one will be able to mistake us for a negative website again.
E.T. (Atari 2600)
- Though billed as an action-adventure, E.T. was actually a very accurate simulation of how fucked up and confusing Earth would appear to an alien. I'd probably just wander around and fall down wells for a few hours too, man.
- Made it possible for thousands of lazy writers to waste readers' time by rehashing the story about garbage trucks full of unsold E.T. cartridges being buried in the desert. This, in turn, made it possible for one lazy writer to waste readers' time by making fun of those writers twice.
- Perhaps the most effective piece of propaganda ever released in the movement to keep kids from playing video games. Jack Thompson, you should seriously consider funding the development of E.T. 2 if you can take some time off from praying for school shootings.
Superman 64 (Nintendo 64)
- Many criticized the green fog that permeated every area of the game, but it was a brilliant piece of social commentary about green fog.
- Taught countless youngsters that the value of a dollar is not to be taken lightly. "My parents paid $60 for this?"
- Brought many families closer. "I am so sorry that I begged you guys to pay $60 for this."
- By neutering Superman's vast powers and making him fly through rings, the game showed thousands of potential sexual deviants that BDSM really isn't all it's cracked up to be.
- While playing, I nodded off into an awesome nap. Not the best nap I've ever had but at least in the top 8 range.
Bad Day LA (PC)
- Ion Storm had the decency to realize Daikatana was an overly-delayed mess that would never live up to its own ridiculous hype. They released the game before things got too out of hand, at about the same time that Duke Nukem Forever was contemplating a switch to the Blood 2 engine.
- Thanks to this game, Stevie Case modeled for that cover of PC Accelerator.
- Raised awareness for the growing epidemic of AI characters that get stuck against walls and blades of grass. To this day it still happens in most games, but at least people are more aware of it now.
- The overwhelming number of Daikatana returns resulted in EB Games modifying their return policy to exclude PC games. This had the side effect of helping the PC game industry since unscrupulous customers could no longer install a game, install a no-cd crack then return the game to get their money back. It also helped EB Games stay profitable by not having to refund shitty PC games, which in turn let them continue to sell returned console games at marked up prices without having to pay console game developers and publishers. Score one for PC gaming!
- "Superfly Johnson" seems like a ridiculous name, but it's not quite as bad as the originally planned "I Dunno, Just Some Black Guy".
Submitted by: Erfsom
Disney's Meet The Robinsons
I would have reviewed this for the PS3, but apparently a bland movie-cash-in is far too complicated for that system and is more suited to the Xbox 360, Wii, PC, Gamecube, PS2, DS, and GBA platforms. 5/10
Because we all remember the original Luxor, and look back on it so fondly. 2/10
Super Paper Mario
Fucking awesome. 9/10
Welcome to Guild Wars with worse graphics, no story mode, one multiplayer match type, and no other players (which could be considered a good thing, but in this case it's not). 5/10
Etrom: The Astral Essence
It's a shame this game wasn't hyped more, as it would have been hilarious to see the typical gang of ass-kissing preview writers stretch to find something remotely positive to spin. 1/10
Remember how great it was when the Vandals invaded Carthage and no one had any idea what they were doing and absolutely every document was riddled with misspellings? 4/10
Making History: The Calm And The Storm
If strategy games like this are the PC's strong suit, maybe it's time to jump ship for the N-Gage. 6/10
Baseball Mogul 2008
A perfect way to keep the fantasy baseball degenerates in your life busy while simultaneously fulfilling your yearly quota of actually seeing the word "mogul" used in everyday life. 7/10
Brave: The Search For Spirit Dancer
The search for a game that's so generic it's actually sort of offensive is finally over. 6/10
$5 worth of shooting action in a $30 package. 6/10
Several years after game publisher Acclaim went under, this putrid fart bubble meandered to the surface to remind us why things didn't work out so well. 2/10
Essentially a ripoff of Tapper for the DS, which is fitting since all you do is tap the screen like an idiot until you finally decide to get drunk in the hopes of forgetting you actually paid for this game. 2/10
Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo Tales
A great game that brings out the kid in you, especially when you throw a fit when faced with the annoying Puzzled Little Piggies minigame. 8/10
Mind Quiz: Your Brain Coach
The most original brain-training quiz game for the DS that determines the age of your brain since Brain Age. 3/10
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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