It all started with a friendly email from Edward:
All i can say is wow.....
You're taking this a little to far,don't ya think?
Did i even say you can use my video to put on your garbage site?NO I DIDN'T
If you didn't like the video...move on with your life.It's just a video,chill out.
However, Eddie was not finished thrashing us a new e-hole just yet!
Oh hey there!!LIKE OMG THANKS FOR PUTTING ME ON YOUR FRONT PAGE!!!IT WAS AN HONOR BEING ON THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THANKS FOR THE COMMENTARY ON MY VIDEO AS WELL,IT WAS FUNNY!!!!LIKE OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thoroughly put in our place, his next gesture took us to the brink of holding each other crying in a corner as he pulled out all the stops with a stunning--- okay I can't stay in character guys, sorry. The video he made was absolutely awful and boring. Just in case you can't make it through the stinking pile of digitally recorded filth, I took the liberty of making a full transcript as accurately as possible. However, I am unsure if even I could harness that which is Eddie. However, I will try so many words may be misspelled to fully capture the odd sounds Edward makes when he tries to talk.
[[Eddie clears mucus from his throat and monotones the following statements]]
Whats up guys Eddieizzle here. [[Laughter followed by sucking in air]] Oh man. What. A. Day... it was last night. I mean not last night but yesterday.[[Eddie gets distracted by the infinite loop of his webcam]] Whoa that's pretty cool. Woooo. Anyways, I am recording off this youtube record from your webcam shiznit. But uh I want to talk to you guys about... Haaaters.
[[Eddie laughs too closely to the mike, thus blowing into it and then appears to rub sand paper on something]] Alright. Well. Everyone gets haters. On Youtube. When you make a videos... but... I have some pretty... cool haters, actually. [[Eddie smacks his lips together]] Um, it all started with hateful comments on my five fat... five fact tag parody of Saawww. I guess you can say but... I deleted it. Because... I agree it was... it was trash.
I didn't let the hate get to me you know. I'm still gonna keep my youtube I'm not gonna delete it cause these haters got to me you know. Haters make me famous. That's my manu. Hatersmakemefamous. That's on my profile, says right there. Not... well I will show you later. [[Eddie never shows us later]] Or you can go and watch and see for yourself [[inaudible]] [[Eddie smacks his lips again, possibly due to eating saltines prior to making this video]] Yeah.
Okay so I got thisss sss sweet message... on youtube... byyyyy... his name's Joseph Dorf or something like that. Yeah Joseph Dorf 0 3. What a gay name. Alright. Here we go.
[[Eddie poorly reads the message sent to him by Josephdorf03]]
Hey dude the folks over here... no... the folks over at Something love your five facts saw parody. [[Eddie now attempts to make his voice more whiny]] They featured it on their page, here's a link bro. [[Eddie smacks his lips twice, obviously fatigued by reading such a long and difficult paragraph.]]
And then I'll show yo-hold on it's actually right here but [[Eddie smacks his lips once more]] there's a link right there. I'll put it in the description box because this is just an EL OH EL moment. And then it says congratulations dooder! Who the hell says dooder? Alright well check out his profile... as you can tell he has no videos. Look. "I make videos once in a while." No videos! You're fuckin' retarded... whow.
[[Eddie breathes into the mic and smacks his lips once more.]] Yeah... Alright here's the link to the... [[Eddie takes a very deep breath through his teeth, his brain requiring more oxygen to function]] Awful Something Awful. The internet makes you stupid. [[Eddie Smacks his lips... perhaps they are made of tasty caramel]] You can see here they downloaded my video... with OUT ASKING ME.
I can really sue them for this. They have no right... uh... fucking... uh... get my video and put it on their shitty little page. Something Awful dot com. [[Eddie taps his mic with his finger as even it has fallen asleep at this point]]
Ehhhhnd it is by Steve Grant and Michael... Sawyer. [[Eddie smacks his lips once more, perhaps it helps him gather air from his lungs to aid in talking. I am unsure.]] And it says, "Welcome to the Webcam Ward where we magically make the unwatchable watchable. In this weeks epdate, a troubled teen. [[Eddie attempts to provide us with a sound effect of a car screeching to a halt, however it is three minutes too late]]
Let's take a step back there folks. [[Again, Eddie tries to make a sound effect and follows it by putting the mic in his mouth]] Teen. Uh.. last check, last time I checked I am... was... [[Eddie takes time to think]] twenty... well turned twenty June 20th but I was nineteen when I made that video so technically I'm not a teen. So you might want to fix that guys if you're happen to be watching this video. Because you don't know anything about me.
[[Eddie smacks his lips again. Someone get this poor kid some chap stick. PLEASE]] It says troubled teen talks about talks to himself and quite can't remember all his lines in this thrilling saw parody.
Alright let m... let me get this straight. I can't remember all my lines? So... what is me... talking... to a camera... not... remembering my lines? I... I... really don't get... I really don't get this. And how am I talking to myself? Cause I am actually talking to mysterious voice, Jigsaw. But... just wow. You guys are total trash.
[[Eddie smacks his lips. I have lost count of how many times now.]] And has my vote info. Right here. [[Eddie Smacks his lips. God I wish they would fall off already.]] And [[Eddie laughs into the mic]] best viewer comment by my friend Nick. Elitestriker. Quote, "El oh El, Shut the fuck up you don't know anything ha ha just kidding. Good video. Son. [[Eddie takes a deep breath]] should of got your head cut off and made it a little more shawish... el oh el."
[[Eddie butters up those lips again]] And then they embedded the video right here. As you can tell. Just stopped it. But. Seriously. Wow. This was my first video. I was a noob. So... gimme a fuckin' break. For fuck sakes. [[Eddie lets loose a mighty breath into the microphone]]
So here's the front page of theirs. [[Eddie smacks his lips]] and here we go. I'm right there in the front page. Something Awful dot com... is total shit. And then... some hate comments from the emails. I guess he told all his little gay little friends about my video. [[Eddie smacks his lips and stuffs something in his mouth, mumbling the next line]] Hey check this video out it is sooo awful. I want you to fuckin' put it on Something Awful dot com. Let's just make this guy a star.
[[Eddie does that thing with his lips again]] you guys are makin' me a star. You guys are putting me on the front page of a shitty little... um... website. [[Eddie separates his extremely moist lips]] so whatever floats your boat. It's okay. I'm I don't know. Um yeah. I just had to make a video about this cause this is just a this is just an el oh el situation right here. Front page... of Something Awful dot com. I don't know if you guys have heard of that. I never heard of it. Cause it is probably shit.
It's a piece of shit. L-Lo-Look at this, "Please give me a job." Uh... wow. Umssss. Wow. Whatev. [[Eddie pulls off the rapid double lip smack. Our hero]] Yeah, I'm not gonna let haters get to me. I'm not gonna close my youtube account because of those guys. It's whatever. Whatever makes them happy. But seriously they had no right putting my video on their page... without asking.
And if they would have axed, I would have said hell no. But uh, neh. Something Awful dot com. On the front page. Wooo. I'm famous. Thank you guys. Thank you Something Awful dot com. Thank you. Joseph... Dorf... 69... kiss my ass. But yeah guys I hope you guys have a wonderful day [[Eddie lets us hear his magnificent lip smacking one last time]] and let's see what goes on from there. Later.
Contrary to what he stated, the next day he deleted all of his videos and account from Youtube. I suppose all the fame from this shitty website no one has ever heard of just got to him. Rest in pee Eddie, rest in pee.
Thanks a whole boat load to forum goon Toad King for saving the video before it was deleted.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Long before the internet, very boring people created very boring home videos. Thanks to cheap bandwidth and fast internet connections, these people are not only able to share their horrid disasters with the rest of the world, but they are actually encouraged to make more! The Webcam Ward is staffed with the finest internet guardians, all ready and willing to draw a line in the sand and shame the shameless into video retirement.