Duke Nukem Forever Forums
I'm sure by now everyone knows the story behind Duke Nukem Forever's development. I think it's something like this. Game is worked on for a long time. George Broussard gets a hard on for some new technology. They start over from scratch. We act like we still care. And so on. But what people don't know is just how bad it is over at 3DRealms. What follows is a real transcript of a Duke Nukem Forever development team meeting from early 2001.
George Broussard: How's the game comin' along boys?
Programmer Guy: We are almost done boss. Just a few more days and we'll be ready to go gold!
George Broussard: That's great, but... I don't think the physics are up to par. We should work on that.
Programmer Guy: Well this thing called the Havok engine was just announced. It's going to feature realistic ragdoll physics and all that. But it's not even out ye-
George Broussard: GREAT! Let's scrap everything and start on Duke with the Havok engine!
Programmer Guy: But sir, that's not going to be out for another year or so. We have a really fine game as it is.
George Broussard: Nonsense! I won't rest until the laces on Duke's shoes behave realistically!
Programmer Guy: Look, everytime we are ready to go gold you pull this shit. I'm out of here.
At this point George Broussard pulls out a gun.
George Broussard: Get the fuck back here! You ain't going nowhere sweetheart!
Programmer Guy: What the fuck is wrong with you?!
George Broussard: NO ONE IS GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU FAGGOTS MAKE THE GAME I WANT.
Texture Artist: Hey fuck you! I'm leaving!
Shots are fired.
George Broussard: ANYONE ELSE WANNA BE A HERO TODAY?! NOW GET THE FUCK BACK TO WORK. AND TELL HR WE GOT AN OPENING FOR A TEXTURE ARTIST. MUWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Since 1997 over 50 brave texture artists have lost their lives trying to escape the horror that is 3DRealms. This section is dedicated to them.
This is quite possibly the lamest thing I have ever read in my entire life.
This is all part of the plan people! George Broussard gets ideas from the hundreds of morons he has brainwashed on his forums. He makes his imprisoned programmers implement these stupid ideas into Duke Nukem Forever. It's a vicious cycle.
Broussard makes his forum users think their ideas mean something but they are all fodder for his diabolical plans to torment programmers and artists. This monster has got to be stopped!
What a great idea! Let's put red X's into Duke Nukem when he's blinded by enemy fire! Thanks "Balgias"!
Stop it!!! Please stop!!! There are dying programmers at 3DRealms! Won't someone please think of them?!?!
WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE PROGRAMMERS?!
Broussard: Hmmm, "Reaper978" doesn't like run and gun action... Well, delete everything boys! We are starting on Duke Nukem Tactics!
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2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
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