The ol' Derek Smart sales pitch!

Here's a tip: Just because you are now able to grow facial hair on parts of your face doesn't make doing so a good idea. In fact, just forget the idea of facial hair until you're at least 40 because it's going to look like shit unless you're that guy from the Men's Warehouse commercials.

I don't think I'd expect a 16-year-old from Beverly Hills whose head looks like one of those flaming skulls from Doom to get much of anything.

I'm pretty sure that at one point Jesus or God or one of those other bibley guys had to say, "but don't be total fucking nerds about all this." Of course, the guys who were taking that shit down for the bible didn't write anything because they didn't want to look like nerds in front of Jesus.

HAT-LORD AND LIKELY KNIGHTED WARRIOR "VOLKMAR" DISTRESSES AT THE NOTION OF UNSAVORY TAUNTING FROM A OPPONENT. PERHAPS HIS MASCULINE COD-PIECE, WITH ROOM FOR ACCOMMODATING A PENIS AND SCROTE, WAS ISSUED IN ERROR?

Her picture is pretty small, but I think I can make out enough to tell that she was definitely NOT invited to any kind of face party.

More The Weekend Web

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

About This Column

There are hundreds of stories happening on the World Wide Web. Let me tell you, that's a very wide web. Our goal at Weekend Web is to bring you the latest headlines from around the Internet. We go into the very bowels of message boards everywhere and find out what millions of online citizens have to say.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.