My friend and mentor Zack “Geist Editor” Parsons once told me that writing for a Web site is like sticking your head into a nest full of the dumbest hornets in the world. Part of being a Something Awful writer is knowing how to exploit this idea and turn misguided teenage anger into a well-stocked laugheteria of Internet knuckleheadedness.

As I’ve said before, I don’t write this column to generate hate mail. I write it because I’m an irrepressible genius, and because I hate every single band ever to have existed, and because people take pop music way too seriously. The hate mail is just a wonderful bonus. I don’t only get mean, nasty mail though, so I’ll throw in a few e-mails from friendlier sorts to balance out the update a bit.

But let’s start with some hate mail, because I know that’s what you came to see. Here’s a masterpiece from [email protected], who (impressively enough) started reading many years ago.

I began reading many years ago.Hmmm.
I just read your article about "The Mars Volta" and realised that I hadn't read anything so childish and naive since I began reading many years ago.
I also realised that this feeble attempt to appear intelligent, was coming from someone who is musically retarded.
Was I right? I will let you answer that one.
I also noticed that there is not a single type of music that you like, may I suggest you learn the essence of writing a real review, and writ about something you know about, because obviously you don't know about music.
If that doesn't work out, see if you can get a job at MAD magazine, they are quite in to working with humorless asses....I've heard.
Now, If in actual fact I am wrong about you not being a musician, send me a song of yours. If you aren't a musician, SHUT THE FUCK UP, before somebody who actually likes music, does it permanently.
~Adam~

"This communication, including any attachments, is confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you should not read it - please contact me immediately, destroy it, and do not copy or use any part of this communication or disclose anything about it. Thank you."

First of all, I am terribly sorry to break your iron-clad non-disclosure agreement, Adam. In these difficult times, confidentiality in electronic communications is Something Awful’s top priority, and we only violate it now in the important interest of illustrating what a titty you are. I’d like to take issue with your characterization of me as “musically retarded.” I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I’m guessing that it involves putting a pot on my head and then spasmodically banging it with a spoon and yelling. Hmm, come to think of it, I guess I don’t take issue with that characterization. I’m not going to send you a song of mine, because I’m not a musician. However, if I did send you a song, it would be Bobby Pickett’s classic holiday favorite “The Monster Mash,” because although I didn't write that song, I feel that it embodies my spirit of spooky mischief. Also, kudos on the death threat at the end. Classy.

Hey, what do you know, [email protected] is yet another Mars Volta fan! The Mars Volta must have a gigantic following among angry, spittle-flecked teenage rage-addicts:

yo man you suck,
ill admit that i mite like de-loused better than frances but dude its still a kick ass cd. i dunno what kind of crap you listen to but it must suck ass if you even remotely think the mars volta's music sucks. you have no taste and you should die and burn in hell.
Anderson

I think my favorite part of the letter was the salutation. From now on, all my formal business letters will begin not with “Dear Mr. Rutherford,” but with the hipper and snappier “Yo man you suck.” I guess that’s a pipe dream, though, because now that I know I have no taste I have no choice but to die and burn in hell.

My last column was a phony Cliffs Notes summary of R. Kelly’s magnum opus, “Trapped in the Closet.” Word of the piece spread a little bit wider than Something Awful’s usual audience, so I got some letters which led me to believe that not everyone knew it was not entirely serious. [email protected] writes in with this correction of one of my glossary terms:

“Y’all ass is crazy: Your entire ass is crazy.”

No. It means you (plural) are crazy.
Y'alls ass is crazy= Y'all's asses are crazy= You all's asses are crazy. Ass meaning self or person

My apologies, Nina. “Y’all ass is crazy” does not mean “your entire ass is crazy,” but “you all’s self or person is crazy.” Even despite my efforts to summarize “Trapped in the Closet” simply, [email protected] still has an unanswered question. Since I’m apparently the Internet’s leading expert on Trapped in the Closet now, the question was sent to me:

I am very curious about who Tina is in chapter 5. Pleeeeaaase tell me cause this has been puzzling most of the people that go to school with me.

You’re perfectly justified in being puzzled, Yalonda. Tina’s place in the story is never explained in any comprehensible way. Allow me to reprint some lyrics and illustrate the matter:

She says "OK"
Wipes her nose and asks me about a girl name Tina
I thought to myself, said "Its sounds familiar"
Then said "I'll probably know her if I seen her"
Then I said "Anyway girl what the hell does that got to do with this man!?"
She said "He know my girl Roxanne"
I said "Who the hell is Roxanne!?"

As you can see, R. Kelly dazzles us with some clever lyrical sleight-of-hand there. Sylvester’s wife asks about Tina, but then suddenly and inexplicably drops that line of conversation entirely and begins talking about someone named Roxanne. The Tina element is unresolved; we can only hope it’s explained in chapters six through ten.

Whenever I’m happy in the haze of an R. Kelly stupor, someone always has to send me a heavy, serious e-mail asking for legitimate advice. This one’s from Bob K, who’s been having some personal troubles. I will withhold his e-mail address for the sake of confidentiality:

Nobody seems to hear or believe what I say.Hello David.Your claim to be smarter than me must be explored.I do not know one human being on earth.My mother,father,stepfather and brother are strangers to me.I look into their eyes searching for something familiar.My mother looks at me and her eyes move side to side like she,s reading a page of a book.I look into my stepfathers eyes and see what I believe to be hatred.I must make clear their actions are of ones who care and the words we speak (few) are light and non threatining. When I speak I talk in completely different tones from one sentence to the next.I also feel like I am a different person when speaking to someone outside my family.One thing seems to be clear,nobody seems to hear or believe what I say.I have no self,soul or mind only conciousness.I react to the world around me,fear avoidance just to be alone which is where I always go.I starting to feel this is very wrong, I'm 32,decent health,decent shape,decent looking.I go for a coffee once a week with a friend,we talk very little.I have no clue how to talk to people. Do I ask as many questions about their work, families as I can until I run out of questions. Do I talk about what I do even if I feel it's boring for them to listen to? Should I walk up to a stranger on the street and start talking to them.I wait around and nobody approaches me. I'm in what I think is the prime of my life and I'm alone.The last ten years have been this way and I am not sure what I am doing wrong.I can handle misery but not for the rest of my life.Any Suggestions will be tried and valued.
Bob K.

Bob, if your relationships with other human beings leave something to be desired, I recommend that you nurture your spiritual side. If you feel that you have no soul, maybe you should fill that existential void with the soothing, oatmeal-like warmth of religion. I recommend staying away from the serious hard-core religions like wacko Christian fundamentalism and focusing on something more lightweight and fun, like the Anglican Church. The great thing about Churches, besides the potlucks and false sense of spiritual security, is the fact that the minister pretty much has to be nice to you, or he’s not doing his job.

Despite my unparalleled ability to dispense valuable advise to feckless losers like Bob K, [email protected] still has the gall to call my credentials into question:

NO Doctor I know lives in a trailer park.Regarding your Tool article: You claim to be a doctor? I would like to know what course or subject you have a doctorate or a PHd in. You are some foolish nerd sitting in front of a blue screen, rotting away. Go get a job, the one that accepts the doctorate of whatever course you recieved it in. You are no doctor, and if you are, a terrible waste of one. Every person I know who has a PHd or a Doctorate of any type is not foolish enough to argue with teenagers about some rock band. You should take into consideration the fans who listen to this band purely for the music. Not only the fans who you think listen to this band just for some "Secret Society". You have the sophisticated opinions and opinionated judgementality of a teenager. Those are the only people foolish enough to post in a forum about how some band "sucks". You can flash your doctarates and degrees and put a Dr. in front of your name, but as soon as you hit any key on your keyboard, or show your education in articles of this length on this subject, you come down to the level of the lower class. And NO Doctor I know lives in a trailer park. I would like to know what course or subject you have a doctorate or a PHd in.

Fair enough, Ubersoldatx2005. I have a doctorate in Wood Shop from Thomas Jefferson High School (Home of the Cougars!). The school burned down, but I think it’s still legally valid. Valid enough to tell you with the utmost academic authority that Tool still sucks.

What’s this? Someone still doubts my credentials? [email protected] apparently requires some proof:

Mr. Thorpe,
Call me skeptical, but I'm pretty sure they don't give out PhD's for professional internet trolling (which is basically all I see you do here). I doubt even the dumbest of your readers believes the whole "I'm a doctor" part of your schtick. After all, the internet is the easiest place on earth to feign things like intelligence and toughness without repercussions. Why not at least try backing up some of your claims and post a picture of your credentials on the site? Just a thought.
- Grant

Notice how the son of a bitch slyly calls me “Mr.” Screw that. It’s time to settle this once and for all. Here’s a scan of my doctorate, to alleviate any doubts that might still remain:

The next one concerns my appearance on the G4 channel’s “Attack of the Show.” A month ago, I went on the program to represent Something Awful as best I could, and was instantly transformed from a z-list internet celebrity to a y-list internet celebrity. [email protected] writes:

Are you the guy who was on G4? Where the hell did you get your Diplomats t-shirt?

I’m glad you asked, Stver! Yes, I was the guy on G4. I was wearing a Diplomats t-shirt to show my love to my homeboy Juelz Santana. Juelz and I went to high school together (go Cougars!) and he and I used to freestyle outside the music building after band class to impress all the fly honeys. Santana used to play the clarinet (no homo). We’re still pen pals, in fact. I got the Dipset t-shirt on EBay.

[email protected] has a long list of questions to bother me with, and I figure I’d better do at least a little bit of actual work this week or Lowtax will never fully vest me in Something Awful’s generous profit-sharing plan:

I hope you will indulge me in this....
Which band is more insipid?
* Hootie and the Blowfish
* Wham!
* Poison

Since Wham! and Poison are both rad, I guess I’d have to say Hootie and the Blowfish.

Who is the bigger twat?
* Liam Gallagher
* Madonna
* Morrissey

That’s a very difficult question to answer. Morrissey is probably the most generally contemptible of the three, Liam is the dumbest and the meanest, and Madge is the phoniest and the most irritating. Since the word “twat” refers to a female body part, however, I’d have to award the honor to Madonna on a technicality.


Who has slept with more men?
* Madonna
* Pamela Des Barres
* Elton John

Luckily, I don’t have access to that information. Common sense would put Pamela Des Barres in the lead, though, since the other two aren’t famous only for being promiscuous.


Who is older?
* Keith Richards
* Charlie Watts
* Mick Jagger
* There is no correct answer as all 3 are too old for even carbon dating to be performed

Charlie Watts is the oldest of the three, having been born in 1941. Mick Jagger is the next oldest, and Keith Richards, amazingly, is the youngest (even though he looks like one of those shellacked mariachi frogs you can buy in Tijuana).

Which is most deserving of royalty?
* Queen
* Queensryche
* Queens of the Stone Age
* King Crimson
* Elvis

Scott Rockenfield, drummer of Queensryche, is sixty-eighth in line for the Spanish throne.

Which of the following is the most strange/bizzare/perverted?
* Micheal Jackson
* Jobriath
* Prince
* David Bowie (in the Ziggy Stardust incarnation)
* Cindi Lauper
* Jimmy Page and Marv Albert combined
* Tie (they are non-quantifiable choices)

Michael Jackson, having been found not guilty of child molestation charges in a court of law, is legally blameless. Jobriath is dead, Prince loves Jesus, David Bowie is old, Cindi Lauper is no longer relevant, and Jimmy Page and Marv Albert are beneath contempt. I’d call it a tie.

Best (also worst) sidekick/second lead/hanger-on/lap dog
* Joe C
* The Edge
* Oates
* Yoko Ono Sincerely, Pink Floyd the Barber

Joe C was the best, Oates was the worst (going by height, in descending order). Thanks for the questions, buddy!

The next e-mail comes from [email protected], one of my Demo Roundup contenders. He threatens legal or physical action after being slighted in my column:

Hey there, I happen to be the guy that “sound like heavy metal Scott Walker with a nosebleed” from Dissident Saint. I’d like you take our shit down from your site because it weren’t any of us that gave it to you, and nobody ever asked us about posting it up anywhere. I’ll be honest with you, we never had to deal with something like this, but if you don’t take it down, we’ll figure out what has to be done legally or however the fuck else.

I have a strict policy against reviewing bands that didn’t send in the demos themselves. Of course, I would never knowingly pick a band at random and make fun of them without permission, because that would be mean. So I owe this guy an apology. Or at least I would, if it hadn’t been the bassist who sent me the demo. I pointed that out to him, and he hasn’t written me back since, so I think we’re in the clear.

Okay, I’m bored, let’s hear from some more idiotic Mars Volta fans! This letter is courtesy of [email protected]:

TAKE YOUR CRAZY NIGGER MIKE JONES MUSIC WITH YOUHEY YOU MOTHER FUCKER IM TIRED OF YOUR NAGGING SHIT!!!!!!!! WHAT... DO YOU YOU THINK YOUR COOL WRITING SHIT THAT YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOUR TALKING ABOUT I BET YOU ASKED YOUR STUPID ASS GAY BOYFRIEND TO HELP YOU WRITE THIS SHIT THAT YOU CALL A BAD REVIEW!!JUST CUZ YOU SUCK HUGE BALLS DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO NAG JUST YOU CUZ YOU CANT PLAY MUSIC FOR SHIT...NOT EVEN TO SAVE YOUR LIFE..DAMN YOU NAG LIKE MY MOM SHIT!!YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU GO TO HELL AND CASTRATE YOURSELF IF THERE IS ANYTHING TO CASTRATE IN THE FIRST PLACE CUZ I MEAN ITS HARD TO IMAGINE YOU EVEN HAVE BALLS....I BET YOUR BLACK HUH WELL YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU STUPID ASS NIGGER....THE ONLY THING I HATE WORSE THAN PPL WHO DONT APPRECIATE GOOD MUSIC ARE NIGGERS!!!!AND IF YOUR NOT BLACK I BET YOU HANG OUT WITH THOSE COONS CUZ YOUR TRYING TO BE ALL COOL AND SHIT I MEAN WHAT KIND OF BITCH WOULD RATHER LISTEN TO MIKE JONES YOUR A FUCKING PUSSY I BET YOU STILL LIVE AT YOUR MOMS HOUSE AND MASTURBATE TO THE BRA SECTION OF KMART CATALOGUES CUZ YOUR TO MUCH OF A BITCH TO EVER GET A REAL GIRL!!!!!OH AND BLOWUP DOLLS AND YOUR MOM DONT COUNT....EVEN THOUGH YOUR MOM GIVES GOOD BLOW JOBS....MAN I CANT BELIEVE IVE WASTED ALL THIS TIME EMAILING SOME DUMB DIPSHIT LIKE YOU SO FUCK YOU AND TELL YOUR MOM TO STOP HITTING MY BALLS WHEN SHE SUCKS MY HUGE MONSTER COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU AND GO TO HELL AND TAKE YOUR CRAZY NIGGER MIKE JONES MUSIC WITH YOU YOU FUCKING QUEER I HATE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND I HOPE YOU CONTINUE TO LIVE YOUR MISERABLE ASS LIFE...AND DO US ALL A FAVOR AND QUIT ALREADY BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS WASTE MY PRECIOUS AIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. I WROTE THAT WHOLE LETTER WHILE I WAS LISTENING TO THE MARS VOLTA AND GETTING A BLOW JOB FROM YOUR CHEAP ASS PROSTITUTE MOM

FUCK YOU IM GOING BACK TO MY LIFE YOU KNOW THE ONE WORTH MORE THAN YOUR ENTIRE FAMILIES EXISTENCE BYE OR AS YOU NIGGERS LIKE TO PUT IT PEACE BROTHER MAN

Well, I don’t know what to say after a tirade like that. I guess I’m flattered. If a racist hates you, it’s like a compliment. It’s like Hitler saying “we must crush David Thorpe, his ideas are dangerous to the Third Reich!” You just say “hell yeah, I pissed off Hitler!” Okay, one more Mars Volta fan:

Well after reading your review on Frances the Mute (one of mine and many, many other peoples favourite cds) i think you are an absolute FUCKING idiot

How Old actually are You? 'Cause i am thinking about 7 or 8 seeing as you did not actually say why you didnt like theres no point in bad-mouthing something if you cant say why it is absoloutely stupid. ha ha just like you!

I personally would like to see you make a 5 song album that gets to no.4 in America and i think lots of other people would to. So if you are a musician put up some of your musican and if not SHUT THE FUCK UP!

William Shaw

Yeah, we’ll I’d like to see YOU make a 5-song album that gets to number 4 in America, William! How about THAT? How dare you criticize me on behalf of The Mars Volta if you can’t match their accomplishments? How dare you? Also, for all you know, I am probably not seven or eight years old. And even if I am, I read and write at almost a tenth-grade level, so back off!

Okay, if you’re reading this, you are probably a wannabe jock nerd. Or so says [email protected], who seems to have an interesting view of the Something Awful fan base.

Thank you for helping to make the internet into a bigger shit hole than it already was.Alright, first off I would like to congratulate you on making a complete bullshit website that will only entertain wannabe jock nerds. Your website hosts some highly unentertaining videos, and shitty photo shops that would only be found funny by someone that is DESPERATELY looking for something funny about them. Also WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? You have links to hentai and show hentai on your site. Then make fun of They might be giants for being nerds. Whet type of people do you think are jerking off to hentai? I'm pretty sure it's sweaty dirt bags and sweaty dirt bag NERDS (which are worse than nerds). Now I am writing about your article on they might be giants. You people surely have no idea what people think of you. If someone were to look listen and read up on everything having to do with they might be giants, and then were given the chance to look at your website, within 5 minutes they would find you dirt bag nerds to be weirder, more disgusting, and above all total social outcasts. You should really also think about the people who are visiting your website. I only went cause a friend told me it was good, and he was obviously wrong. The people that visit your website are the low end of the high school food chain the type that are afraid to look at or talk to real girls so they are forced to go on the Internet and look at pictures of naked cartoons having sex with tentacles. And I highly doubt that your black metal or whatever music you listen to has more artistic respect and integrity as they might be giants. And how can you make fun of the "real creeps" that is insulting your own fan base directly. So as a final note I will allow you to continue wanking to your hentai. And thank you for helping to make the internet into a bigger shit hole than it already was.

It’s awfully magnanimous of you to allow me to continue masturbating to cartoon porn, buddy. Don’t mind if I do. Seriously, though, I think this was the only guy who managed to be dumb enough to write a long-winded hate mail about my They Might Be Giants article. It takes a special kind of numbskull to take They Might Be Giants seriously enough to send rambling defenses of them to an internet humor site. Also, I’m not sure what a wannabe jock nerd is. I really don’t know where jocks and nerds intersect, and why it involves cartoon porn. I’ll have to ask Zack Parsons, who, as far as I know, is the only Something Awful writer who regularly masturbates to cartoon porn.

– Dr. David Thorpe (@Arr)

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According to Dr. David Thorpe and "Your Band Sucks," the music you hold dear is actually unimportant, dull, and staggeringly awful. Everything from folk music to terrorcore-techstep is absolute garbage that has somehow fallen off the trash heap of modern music and found its way into your CD player.

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