I’m grotesquely engorged with the holiday spirit this week, and you know what that means: I don’t feel like doing any work! Nonetheless, I owe it to my loyal readers to bring home some form of comedy bacon anyway. I’ve found a way to make a win-win situation out of this, though. People are always asking me to post more insane reader mail, and I’m generally hesitant to do it for a couple of reasons. First of all, I don’t want to misrepresent the readers of this site. Most of them are sane, funny, and extremely polite. Secondly, whenever I post insane reader mail, people who think they’re clever barrage me with obviously fake insane mail, hoping that I’ll post it and give them a fleeting moment of internet fame. Despite this, some of the mail I get is just so incomprehensible, rude, or woefully misguided that it seems like a shame not to post it.

I’m going to leave the e-mail addresses off these letters, because Something Awful fans have a history of getting a little overzealous with their reactions to morons. Also, I don’t want to afford these morons any undue fame.

First of all, a bewildering comment from Ms. Sherretta Blackshear:

Hello I'm have you ever had sex with a man and are you musclar. do you like anal or oral sex please email me back.
--------------------------
Sherretta Blackshear

Followed moments later by this:

Please excuse the previous message. It was sent by a child as a joke. My apologies.
--------------------------
Sherretta Blackshear
Lose your nerve, Sherretta? Well, when you change your mind, you know where to find me. Up next, we have a classic in the “Tool Fans Pretending to be Smart” category, which is one of my favorite sorts of letters:
In reference to your style; you appear fat. I don't know many writers worth their salt and with your degree of negative, sarcastic, cynicism who aren't fat. To say that Tool fans are homogenous is to say that Jesus and his principled kind never had the desire to fuck. True, Maynard is pompous, arrogant, and all sorts of other vanities. But your criticism doesn't share- doesn't show your view of the world the way a goodly writer can... man. It just talks crap about a hard rocking band with the requisite number of dumbasses who consider themselves the cream of the #1 fan crop.

Tool fans are no different than any other group in society; we are more alike than we are different. I could lose about fifteen pounds of ego induced humility; you appear in the forty to fifty range.
Sincerely,

another dumbass who has yet to read Dumas
Does listening to Tool make people like that, or do people listen to Tool because they’re like that to begin with? Either way, I think we can agree: fuck Tool. Here’s another one:
Great website, doc… It's let down by one thing though, you obviously have no interest in listening to the message behind the music therefore you have no understanding of what they are trying to portray musically. It amuses me how you freely dictate what's good and what isn't, especially with such an ignorant view of things. You've blatanty rushed through these things without proper consideration, and all just to add to a website full of negative gobshite. Where do you get off saying fans are Ugly anyway, I highly doubt you would have the nerve to say such pathetic rubbish in the middle of their shows for fear of someone putting you in your place. It's armchair pundits like you that ruin music for insightful individuals, just because you have Dr. as your title it doesn't make you a liscensed critic you think son of a bitch. I'd like to see you point I really would, the problem is I can't seem to get my head that far up my own arse.

Fuck you 'Doctor' Thorpe
Gobshite? Well, okay. Here’s more Tool:
I don't see how you can talk shit on TooL and feel like you're right. It's ridiculous how u try to poke fun at the video making and guitar work. It's called art, if everyone copied everyone else(just like your favorite band dashboard w/e...) we'd have the same type of shit we have in music today. You can't compare TooL and korn, wtf are u think u stupid motherfucker, u should be shot on the spot for doing something that disrespectful. Tell me what other band or w/e out there took the time to creat such a cool "dark and gloomy" video, not everyone has the opportunity to sit behind a desk and write the ohh soo cool articles, like your dumb ass, so yes, not everyone is as happy and cheery as your cindy lauper lovin ass. I happen to listen to TooL, I havent heard any other band with the same intensity or even passion nowadays to put you in the same mood or place as tool, besides other past classic psychadelic bands. You need to stop bagging on Tool and get some real musical feeling or fuck yourself with your big ass head. Music is different for everyone, u cant bitch and moan just cuz someone likes tool, but i do understand these idiot tool fans asked u to try and "mock" them. Tool will always be Tool, and continue to produce thought provoking songs, even though they may not be as intellectly superior as u are.LMAO, u arrogant piece of shit. It's funny how u have to stoop down to name calling too. Just because u love to listen to "stuff that says wut it means without the metaphors" doesnt mean everybody does. Rap music is based on it, just because 50 cent is popular or w/e doesn't mean all of rap music is that type of bullshit. It's the same with Tool, just because some of these new bands talk about their angry feelings and shit, doesnt make Tool have any less talent. Consistent as russian roulette... funny shit, if it were true, but it's not, All of their albums are awesome, i dont see any fillers except for "the cookie recipe and phone message" but that's only on one album, did u not do any research and just talk out of your ass? I think so. So just keep your ignorant mouth shut and stop talkin about Tool like u know them, or their music. The only reason i write this is because someone might just read your stupid article and believe your ignorant rants. You disgust me and should be fired.
Ouch! Enough of that. Anyway, here’s some crazy kid who doesn’t know what he’s talking about:
wassup, I think you have a good opinion on many stories, but still, to those that can honestly listen to current stations, its not just the likely era of that station, but moreover the same type, xcept for a few songs that I heard a few rappers with. I was in the mall and I heard eminem w/ blink182? charlotte? not too sure but it rocked.
summing it up, the rap and rock communities really have their own ways, are a station away, but still opposing no one. my understanding really shows that funky "emo" like-sublime, or the twisted bass chords of redhotchili peppers and 311 have only a basis of their own. thanks for your encouragement, I will soon join a one man band and not need any other opinion.
Sublime: the greatest emo band of their generation. Next up, a lesson in physics from a non-fan:
I'm just so tired of cynical and agressive people like you. The world doesn't need that, it never did and it never will. Satisfying your own ego by bashing everything and everyone you don't like doesn't bring any improvement to the society. You must be a very sad person.

I haven't read anything positive in your stupid, pretentious and ugly little website. I'm just sorry I ended up on it by accident. It's sickening.

Everyone has the right to have their own opinions. But when someone's only motivation is to criticize and destroy others' integrity, it just makes people angry and contributes to increase violence and intolerance. You may feel safe behind your lawyer but I believe in an unwritten law which is that when you spit in the air, it eventually falls back on your face.

Good luck to you, mister.
I think that, if we want to get technical, that’s actually a written physical law of some sort. I’ll consult my NASA buddies and get back to you. Oh! Here’s one from a racist! Those are always fun:
plz, write an article to explain to us how the hell black peoople came from beating their wives and kids and bastards and mothers to singing about raping these women and rugs on the radio. WHO THE HELL keeps buying shit from G-Unit. A bunch of gay black men screaming bout their magic stick in a room full of men, sounds like a scene for an adult film if u ask me. to fucking bad for all our ears that fifty cent wasnt beaten with nerf bats after he was shot to finish off his stupid generic ass. Eminem also should be put into a rug and thrown off a bridge, this bridge shouldnt be over water though, but a large valley full of brambles and thorn bushes so he is poked and then slowly withers and dies for the amount of music he makes to gain respect of his black people.
Yikes! Here’s one from his Klan brother, David Smith. I should point out that the subject of this e-mail was “nigger lover.”
you are a disgrace to white people everywhere. how can you critique other people's music when you listen to "rap" yourself.
Yes, so-called “rap”! I actually see that pretty regularly: when people don’t like something, they put it in quotations to express their derision. Is this some sort of grammatical rule I missed in school? Here’s another one, from someone who is appropriately named Lindsey White:
I fail to see how you're a genius; passing up people who can actually play instruments for rappers who blubber into a microphone. However, I pick up on the hints that you're an African American and you would support your fellow "musicians" in their tyrade of support for shootings, drugs, and whores. Little do you know you're only fueling this society's demise by encouraging barbaric hip hop culture. Have a great day.
I’d like to see more barbaric elements in hip hop culture. Imagine how awesome it would be if there were a rapper who dressed like Conan the Barbarian! I shouldn’t talk about rap, though, because I apparently listen to Chingy:
hey i got a link to your little article about the source from another website. i just want to say you're a fucking retard. that's how retarded your statement is, i actually got the motivation to email you to tell you. i picture you as a guy in g unit sneakers, a ruff ryders necklace, and a chingy t shirt, and if we were to hold a black light up to your face we would see the jizz of every single member of the cash money millionares splattered upon you. maybe people like underground hip hop because we dont like hearing people brag about money and being a "thug" all the time. those mainstream rap groups that you seem to support soooo much because they aren't "lily white rap nerds", guess who's pulling their strings? who's selling their records, producing their music, promoting them, and then eventually disposing of them? a bunch of white guys you dumb fuck. "scared to see blacks with money"? im scared to see some faggot like chingy have money whether he is white OR black. the website sucks, you're a fucking dumbass, and you should check out the underground hip hop sites because they are discussing what a dumb faggot you are. im suprised i didnt see a review of vogue magazine, cuz i know you read that shit. dont write back.

p.s kill yourself
This next guy isn't a big R and B fan:
You fucking suck. RnB is the lowest of all forms of awful pop. You are nothing but a RnB whore in music journalist clothing. The reason that you hate the bands you do is because you have no appreciation of decent rock or guitar music because you've had the taste fucked out of your mouth for so long with the big corporate cock that is RnB fucking shite. Nowt wrong with hip-hop, don't get me wrong but RnB is plain awful. If I want to hear some buffed up black guy go on about how sad he is that his 'girly' left him
because he was too 'fly' I will go and watch an African AIDs documentary.
Go and buy the new Mark Lanegan record, go and buy the new Dillinger Escape Plan album, these bands are changing things and making damn good music at the same time. In 10 years time no one will remember Usher but a bunch of illiterate fuckwits who find his CD buried under piles of graffitied school notes on tectonic plate shifts. It's been over 30 years since Led Zeppelin formed and people still find them one of the best and most exciting bands to listen to; I doubt people will say that of any of the groups / artists (and I use the term loosely to accomodate your music tastes) that you have mentioned in your recent article - they are bland, faceless, boring, simple and totally devoid of any musical merit whatsoever.

Who sucks? Dr Dave Thorpe Does.
Well, with all this hating, I’d better present a refreshing letter urging me not to judge the Turks too harshly:
well hello mr. thorpe,

i just saw a link of your radiohead article in a forum.. some radioh. guys didnt love it i think and started to post some stupid posts one of them posted an entry saying that he had mailed u something finishing with a studip habit.. turkish d.ks.. well this son of a bitch may be stupid but cant put a turkish word in his idiot opinion.. just wanna tell you that these kind of guys are all over the world but if you dont know a country's people you dont know nothing about it.. i hope this asshole is not the only turk you know.. i hope they are all open minded people like you..

thanks for your time
Okay, now I think I’ll post a few from the “random derision” file just for kicks:
You fucking faggot want to be goth, go kill yourself. You seem to have way to much time on your hands, so all you do is write stupid stuff to get on peoples nerves. Get a life!
Okay!
you are a typical american asshole your charts are full of shit
john lydon and morrissey are rock gods
you are a clueless prick get a life you sad wanker
Okay!
Please, no one gives a fuck what you or your shitty little web site thinks. Just shut up, shut it down, and die.
Okay!
hey u suck dick :F
Okay!
mother fucker...fuck you..mr.axl rose....gn´r
argentine juan
Okay!
Emo is not just a blow off genre of music. And you are not fucking pathetic if you listen to it. Why don't you just open your fucking mind a bit. For christ sake you are a old guy you are not into what younger people are into.
Okay! Well, enough of that, this is one of my favorite letters of the year, courtesy of a Nuge fan:
I was reading through your page, and it's kinda funny. not somthing I tune in regularly for, but once in a while. That's when I ran in to your listing for Ted Nugent under "Your Band Sucks"
I stopped finding your page amusing at this point. Uncle Ted is a Board Member of the NRA, and I am a life member. Uncle Ted writes all of his own stuff The Nuge is Still rocking after 30+ years. He is also still writing new songs and not repeating shit done 30 years ago. He play one Hell of a mean lead guitar. He eats everything he kills when he goes hunting. He's involved with more charities than you can name.

Did I mention his music rocks? must not forget that.
Ok, the VH1 thing was a low spot. I'll grant you that, but because he Is conservitive he won't get the "free" press like that pussy pacifest in R.E.M.

You got a major website that thousands read over the course of a year. Me? I'm a trucker who happens to also be a geek, an NRA life member, and a classic rock fan.

IF you print this I am sure you'll flame the hell outta me. hey, it's Your web site. but if you do, Please send me a link to the flame job so I can see Just how childish of a posting you put up.

Thanks, a Nuge Fan.
I’m not going to flame you, hombre. Rock on!
I'm chubby oily and i have white-girl dread locks. I got kicked out of school for smoking too much pot last week and now i want to listen to the nirvana box set to soothe my adolenscent angst. I love your reviews even if i do not entirely concurr with your opinion. Rawk on.

P.S: As you can tell i am incoherent and semi-dyslexic and i wish they would let me back into school.
That’s great! Speaking of white kids with dreadlocks:
no, sprial-laced colorfull images (either from over-glorified lighting effects to tainted acid purchased outside the show) are not all that jam rock has to offer. Improvisational group music has thrived over the past 10-15 years. End your nagging about corporate takeover of music, and leave it already!! Find music played my musicians for people who want to hear musicians play their instruments. Certainly, solid song writing is essential. However in this field, creative composition is simply a vehicle for the instrumentalists to jam. Traditional rock and roll concert goers go to a show by a band once a year, or once an album...whichever comes first. Reason being, the songs are now new and the band has had time to plan out new setlists and dramatic antics. This said, people who go on, for argument's sake, phish tour, must be seeing the same damn song/setlist/SHOW over and over again. wrong. Each song at a live performance is a brand new song, containing components never played before, and more than likely, will never be played again. I strongly agree with your statement that "It’s fairly easy to look at the progression of popular rock and roll as an endless string of hype, backlashes, and downfalls; this doesn’t only apply to bands, but to entire styles..." This very much verbalizes the feelings felt by those involved in the jam band scene. Maybe you've already investigated such matters and haven't found that "groove". To each his own, no worries. But if not, give it a shot. Do not start with studio albums, you will have no chance of capturing the substance of the jam band scene.
Here is a man who likes to get philosophical:
You criticize everything. I criticize everything. I can criticize you while you do it to me. But what about art? Do you know what it really is? Do I? Does it matter? These aren't really questions for you. I don't know why I am writing you, unless it is just because it is easy. That's what I like about it— it's easy.

Cheers,
Gregory
This guy doesn’t like me much:
Somebody peed in your mother. I picture you as an overweight greasy haired web prick who has to buy special fat guy computer chairs monthly to support your greasy habit. I really really hate music critics of all types, I dont see your album anywhere. Where is your album. Why dont you get a record deal? What have you been doing dave? You know so much about good sophisticated music
why have I never heard of you or your fuzzy navel drinking friends. Hmm? I've never seen your name until I fell into this rediculous, dry, boring website. Critics are people who desperately wish they could be "somebody" but really can't. Were you a grunge failure? Were you a roadie for weezer? Do you have a bloody asshole for a vagina? I should like to see you strangled with a Talking Heads tee shirt. Boring....
This guy has taught me a valuable lesson about the place of critics in relation to the arts.
Dr. Thorpe-

Please advise....do you have a band, and where can hear your music?

I'm very curious to hear what your band sounds like, considering the amount of time you apparently spend thinking of different ways to bash every musician and band known to man.

Indeed, I hope to catch your band touring in San Francisco so I can see your live show, hear the songs you've written, etc.

Thanks,
TBird10K
He has cut me deep! I resign! Here’s a letter from someone who shares TBird’s sentiments:
Why should we listen yo you?? Being a scientist doesn't mean you know the first thing about music. Yes, we wouldn't just barge into NASA and start messing everything around pretending we know everything about physics, so why should you start telling people what music they should and shouldn't like? Being smarter than some people doesn't make your opinions right. People are entitled to their own opinion and you can't tell somebody that their opinion is wrong. Music is a matter of opinion and to be frank, what does it matter to you what bands people like to listen to? Is it really going to make that big a difference in your life? Or is just your way of telling the world just how much you hate white people and their music? Coz if it is, you could just cut to the chase and make a big website dissing white people, coz im sure they'd pay more attention to that than your articles about how wonderful and great you are and how the rest of the world should do exactly what you tell them to do because you are the be all and end all. *NEWSFLASH* NOBODY LISTENS TO YOU AND THEY NEVER WILL IF YOU CARRY ON LIKE THIS
NEWSFLASH: I just got righteously zinged! This guy has never met anyone who doesn’t like Incubus:
So...you're a doctor? I'm working on my PhD as well but, it's in microbiology. It seems that you're a really bitter man when it comes to music. What do you truly like? What style? What do you have to say about the band Incubus? I can't find anyone who doesn't like this band.
Well, you’re in luck, doc! Here's a new friend for you!
For gods sakes do Incubus. I've had them cramned down my throat for about five years now and they seem to just get worse as they get more popular. They started off sounding like Faith No More without testicles and have grown into something so shitty it defies description. I hate them, oh god how I hate them so.
And another!
Lately on the radio I have heard the new Incubus album. Now that would be all well and good if they did not play it 24/7. Now all i hear at school is the lead singers voice blasting out of every window. Yet again i would not mind if they had any lyrical talent to begin with. I have had an undying hatred for them ever since I went on a trip with my friends to Toronto and all they played was Incubus.
And another!
Hey when are you going to lay it into Incubus? This band is terrible, and for some unintelligible reason have a huge following at my school. I borrowed one of their CDs (A Crow Left of Murder) from a friend and I quite nearly vomited. Then when I told everyone they sucked, I got jumped. By the girls Lacrosse team. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is? Please put this group of no-talent shit-stains in their place.
Hope this helps, friend!

Well, this represents only a tiny fraction of all the wonderful hate-mail I get. I should just publish a gigantic hard-cover tome of Dr. David Thorpe hate-mail. It would be the perfect holiday gift for the Tool fan on your list! I don’t think I’ll remind you of my e-mail address at the end of this article, like I usually do. Like I said, I’m now doomed to a million retards sending me hilarious fake spam in hopes of getting their letter put up. Oh well, I think it’s probably worth it.

– Dr. David Thorpe (@Arr)

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