Well, I’m sure you knew this was going to happen. I pick on a lot of bands, but nothing can bring in hate mail like pretentious hard rock. My best guess is that the people who listen to stuff like Tool and System of a Down (and no, I’m not implying the two bands are similar- they both suck in their own way) are exactly the kind of warped little malcontents who love frothing out bilious Internet hatred in the first place.

As I’ve said before, I don’t write Your Band Sucks specifically to incite nasty e-mail. I write it to poke gently at the ridiculous seriousness of music fandom and music criticism. The nasty e-mail is just a welcome and hilarious side effect.

As soon as I put up the piece on System of a Down, I had a deluge of e-mail requests to post all the angry mail that would undoubtedly result, and I’m happy to answer that request. I should note that for every nasty e-mail I got, I got thee supportive ones— mostly from System of a Down fans with senses of humor. I’m not bragging, I’m just assuring everyone that not everybody is so tied to their taste that they can’t take a joke. Speaking of not being able to take jokes, I stated in the article that any message which didn't bear the subject line "E-MAIL FROM A RETARD, PLEASE IGNORE" would be automatically deleted. I should point out that almost all of these letters bore that subject line. Without further ado:

You asshole, you fucking asshoale.Dear Dr. Thorpe
You asshole, you fucking asshoale. System of a Down, SoD, is the shit and u fuckung know it you pinprickshiteatingpandafucker. The muzic is profound, look that one up my ass hole. Steal This Album is by far the best cd of the 2000's, I bet u dont even know that its named for Abie Hofmann's autobiography Steal This Book, u c u do no research, i bet u barely even listen to the shit you review you stinkyovarianoctaroon. Its ppl like u why we have GBUSH and KATRINA and BINLADEN. IF more ppl listned to SoD and paid attention Serj's lyrics (which are all true I read noam chomsky and chomsky says the smae thing) we wouldnt have this shit. Its asshoales like you who turn ppl from the truth when the truth is right b4 there eyes. You spread lies. You fuck its true that GBush sends the poor and not his slutfacedblackfacedcreamyzit daaughters. And Serj is right and Daron CAN CAN CAN SO sing and you know nothing about metamorphic timesignatures and guitar-fuz rhythm textures because SoD piosneered that shit and you dont listen to SoD because youare a ignorant shopaholicwishingcrowbagging-metmusilsuckingsuckfestassclown.

and fuck u i can spell i just dont want to run spellcheck right now so fuck off and die slowly.

Love,
-Thomas

Thomas, if you can spell, why would you need to run spell check? People who can spell don’t spell things wrong, that’s what “knowing how to spell” means. I guess this guy is part of the “internet generation” and thinks that the ability to run a spell check means knowing how to spell. But apparently he’s too lazy to run a spell check, so it’s a moot point anyway. I’ll give him props for calling me an “octoroon” though, even if it’s misspelled and contained within an ineffectual compound insult. I’ve been called a lot of things in my time, but most people don’t have the wherewithal to bring antique racial slurs into the mix.

Fuck you! Go cry in some corner you Emo fuck! Oh and not only did I support System by buying their CD. I bought the shirt too!

The only thing Awful Is your website.

-Andrew B

We here at Something Awful never get tired of “well maybe your site is ‘awful,’ get it?” jokes. I mean, we have the word “awful” right in our name, but never did we imagine that anyone would twist our words around to imply that our own site was awful! It was a horrific oversight, and we might never regain the credibility of our brand now that the cat’s out of the bag.

Just because you hate everything doesn't mean you have to hate System of a Down.

-Kyle

Apparently Kyle failed his logic class, or has a different definition of “everything” than I do. Faulty reasoning aside, I don’t hate everything, just music and people who listen to music.

Piece of advice: Don't take everything at face value!Arrogant. That's how I'd describe you. Oh wait, I'l finish this e-mail when I can be bothered to carry on reading this shitty article....Okay. I'll tackle this bit by bit as I read on...

"Why don't presidents fight the war? Because Roosevelt was in a wheelchair, you ASSHOLES!" Excuse me? Do you always take everything thing literally? Ever heard of a thing called interpretation?

Obviously you're not interested in music, art, poetry....Do you really think that anybody can truely understand what was going through the artists' mind when he was writing that song? System of a Down rarely perform songs which are to be taken literally. They prefer to give their fans something to think about - they like having their music interpreted in different ways. This song is NOT about war, in particular. It's not about how much System of a Down hate the president, or hate the government...Whatever you think. The line "Why don't presidents fight the war? Why do they always send the poor?" Is much simpler to understand than it seems: Why is it always the simple "ordinary" people that end up doing all the work?.

Piece of advice: Don't take everything at face value!

System of a Down write songs about many, many different subjects. With different emotions being represented by each song: Humour, happiness, sadness, anger, hate...Sometimes all of these can be involved in one song. They write about things that interest them. Things that happen in the world. Would you rather bands sing about how wonderful life is, and everybody's happy because we live in an ideal world? Or would you rather them speak the truth, sing about things that actually happen in our world. Let's face it; everybody has problems. Everybody feels depression at some point in their lives, everybody feels like giving up.

Oh yes....Why the fuck do you keep referring to them as a "political band"?? They're not! For Christ's sake! Just because they touch upon political issues once or twice, they are automatically conceived as a political band! As I've said - System of a Down touch upon a variety of different issues.

You mentioned the song Cigaro. Again, you've misinterpretted this song - taken it as it sounds. This song is about egotism. Yes, it's humourous, that was part of the purpose of the song. There are some people that will listen to it and be digusted. Some people will laugh, as I did. Who cares? It's called having an opinion.

In my opinion (No. Nobody is "stupid" because they like to listen to a band. You might not like it. Fuck you. You have no right to tell people anything.

All of the article was just blatant flames disguised as intellectual dialect. You are so damn arrogant! You come across as an immature teen who would utter the words "I'm right and you're wrong, na na na na", is it not possible for you to listen to other peoples opinions and possibley accept them?!

I would love for you to reply to this. Please do. I would love to see what you have to say about my points!

And remember: This is my opinion :) It can not be wrong.

-Sophie V.

It deeply disturbs me that we live in a climate of repression such that I “have no right to tell people anything.” This kind of censorship is exactly the sort of thing that System of a Down fights against, and yet you perpetuate it through your shallow-minded censorship of my opinions while lording your views over me, claiming them to be infallible. Even more upsetting is your lack of sensitivity toward the interpretation of art. I have every right to apply my own interpretation to a piece of art, and you can’t shoehorn me into your own point of view by claming that my interpretation is wrong. I think “Cigaro” is a stupid song about dicks, and I’ll defend to the grave my right to express my opinion. You make me sick, you jackbooted fascist.

what the hell is wrong with you? Instead of just saying that you don't like the music, you have to go and say that the (wondrous) people that listen to their music are retards. STFU man. Their songs really mean something, while you're off listening to a load of crap I'm guessing. Why the hell did you go to all that trouble just to dis SOAD and the fans? In my opinion you are a peadophile who is obsessed with hoovers and has too much time on his hands. YOU SUCK COCK.

-Hamish

This started out as a fairly ordinary flame, but he really got creative at the end. I’m not exactly sure what gave him the impression that I’m a Hoover-obsessed pedophile. Maybe he was reading my article and sort of dozed off in the middle and part of his dream was about me loving little boys and vacuum cleaners. In that case, doesn’t that make him the Hoover-obsessed pedophile, since those issues were burning a hole in his subconscious so deep that they manifested themselves in dream? Anyway, I won’t dignify this with a response, because I don’t talk to pedophiles.

I know that everybody can't like system of a down but that not a reason to criticate us.

You critic the adolescents but you do like us when they critic Opera because they don't listen this music. Moreover they aren't commercial so you have choice to don't listen us.

And you what you listen ?

Sory for the bad english I'm a frenc idiot who listen system of a down.

-Guillaume

I’m not going to be too mean to Guillaume because his e-mail is pretty adorable.

I'me maybe the sort of idiot who listen to System of a Down but I don't want tu tell you you're wrong, however I think that. I accept your opinion wihout any difficulty but I see that you don't accept that people like this band. So you said we're idiot, you said they play chit... And I can't stand people like you who say this kind of things. I like SOAD since their first album for their style, their originality, their dynamism and maybe also for their political positions. Try to listen to them more precisly and you'll discover some subtilities (if you don't, maybe your IQ is too weak to understand them). So I don't want to speak any more to you, because in fact I don't care of people like you and I don't understand why I'm writting to you (I'm french so it's more difficult). So good continuation in your chit and try to be more precise in your conjectures. It would be nice to you to answer me (maybe I can't write english perfectly but I can understand it, so you, and also System of a Down) And If you understand french, tell me so I could be more precise too.

-Romain

Gosh, will the French just get off my ass already? But honestly, these French e-mails are much more polite than most of the ones in English, probably because these guys don’t know any English curse words like “noob” and “lol.”

I'm a Fan of System Of A Down , i live in France , i think you're just stupid , you just don't understand what SOAD mean , they do music , no shit , just music , remenber guy System is the best way to peace.
kind regards

-Daron

I get kind of happy-sad (like when you see a pretty girl do something clumsy) when I think about these French kids struggling to get their point across in an extremely difficult foreign language. Hang in there, guys!

Hello David Thorpe. I would just like to let you know that you are a complete idot and a total asshole. System of a Down is a great band, if not the best, and just because you don't like their music doesn't mean you need to say anything against it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But you are a fucking idiot to go online and try to make a point of it. No one is going to actually follow that article. If anything people are just going to love them more, and hate you. So, in my personal opinion, i think you should apologize to the band, and then go and shoot yourself in the head. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Malakian75

What’s with everybody having the right to express their opinion but me? This shit is totally unfair. I try to improve people’s lives by helping them rid themselves of terrible music, and I’m labeled an “idot” and an “asshole,” and yet this guy advocates suicide and public apology (which is pure un-American cowardice) and he gets off scot-free?

I swear I'll fucking kill you.Hi..

The article about System Of A Down is totaly pathetic. The things you tell about Cigaro, BYOB, Radio/Video etc. are really stupid. I can't imagine that someone could think such a shit.

I just tell you: if you are against anything of System Of A Down, if you belive that the shit that comes out your mouth is real, you should go fuck your self.

What I also wanned to say is that you can not say "assholes" to us as you say in your fucking article. The line with "E-MAIL FROM A RETARD, PLEASE IGNORE" is a discrimination of everyone who listen to System Of A Down.

Just go fuck your self and die. I swear I'll fucking kill you.

-Yannick

Well if you’re going to kill me anyway, why should I bother fucking myself and dying? I like this letter because a lot of people threaten me, but this guy actually swears he’s going to kill me. That’s a whole new level. Now, if he doesn’t kill me, he’s breaking his word, and it’s probably an affront to God or something. If Yannick doesn’t kill me, he’s going to go to hell for it. How radical is that? Also, I enjoy the mental image of “thinking up a shit.” I wish I could really do that, I’d never have to eat or go to the bathroom again, I could just concentrate really hard and a shit would telepathically form in my toilet.

Are you ever done ranting? I won't completly diss your arrogant ass. Are you sure you're not republican? I mean if you are really bored, do some thing productive. That means do something that will be worthwhile. Seriously, how old are? You sound like a little pre-teen throwing a fit. But who cares? Your opinion is worth zero. Music is music. People can listen to whatever they want, no need to judge or generalize. If they listen to SOAD that is their problem, not yours. I listen to SOAD and I am a straight A student with many qualities that are special. I am just as smart *cough cough* smarter than any person that listens to music that you like. (Which I think is completly nasty and hidious.) I also listen to Green Day and I completly enjoy it. I don't get stoned, like you assumed. SOAD is my favorite band and Green Day follows. Also, your little... um... fit or "educational ranting" ,you might call it, did nothing. They are still going to be millionairs, live in nice houses, be attractive, have more fans, and sell millions of CDs. Oh, poor Daron Malakian, got dissed by dumbass. I am sure the pretty JESSICA MILLER doesn't care (you probably jack off to her picture) while she fucks HIM. not you. More people are going to listen to their wonderful voices and music, not you. I think Daron has a wonderful voice and so does Serj, but I'm extremely happy that they switched. I bet each and every one of those band members are ten times smarter than you. Whew, so what, you're a doctor writing non sense articles, I'm impressed. NOT! Now, SOAD are multi-platinum CD sellers that have done many good things, keep to themselves, and don't talk shit. If you think people that listen to SOAD are "retarded stoners" what do you think of 50 cent, Lil John, Ying Yang Twins, and etc. listeners? Oh... wait... no one cares. Guess what i'm also African American. Honestly, what do you do all day? Jack off and listen to Hawthorne Heights and Blink 182. Blah! When you are ready to throw a fit buy a stress ball, it helps my little bro, or go fuck yourself. I am so sure no one else will.

However, your opinion, is your opinion. I don't care if you don't like them. However, you can't judge people you don't know. All listeners that enjoy the music are stupid. Now you are calling me stupid. Wow! Are you sure you're not the one that is stupid? Of course, you're not sure. I'm sure there are many idiots and stoners that are attracted to your favorite bands or singers. Do not generalize and do not judge. It is immature and rude. I thought Simon Cowell was a bitch. I bet he is your only friend. But mark my words, your big mouth, will be your downfall. However, I can't completly blame you, you probably got dumped or every body hates you and you're turning into a witty, sarcastic, and depressed poor-excuse of a human. I wouldn't care if you killed yourself.

-Haregewoini Abaye

Come on, Haregewoini, how is that fair? I’m not allowed to judge people I don’t know, and yet you can malign my character with impunity? That’s called hypocrisy, and I won’t stand for it, even though your name happens to be completely fucking boss. Please be advised that although I’m going directly to the courthouse in the morning to change my name to Haregowoini, I’m going to tell the clerk that I’m changing my name to Haregewoini despite the fact that I only ever knew one guy named Haregowoini and he was an asshole.

Hi I read ur little article on soad!!! And i need to ask you a question! Are you michael Jackson? You need ya head chekin m8! All dat xcess bone in ya hed is sendin ya wacko!! ha ha Plz email me bak as i dont understand ur evilness!

Thank you

Yours sincerely
Soad fan or as u called me an adorable man-child halfwit who just wants hugs!!!

-Emily

Sometimes people just talk in a weird code that I don’t understand.

You sound like a fricken 4 year-oldIf you think that System Of A Down sucks, that your opinion. You can keep it to your own mind. Not having to blab about it on your site. I live, on System of A Down, Disturbed, and Zeromancer. But the two that I listen to most, has to be System Of A Down, and Disturbed, but the one in which I always will love, is System Of A Down. So, their lyrics are shit in one song. It's one, song. Who gives a piece of shit about ONE SONG. I sure as hell don't. You sound like a fricken 4 year-old trying to get everyone pissed off by saying something that you don't like, and others do. Well, know what? I hope your damn fucking happy, because you got me pissed. If you don't like their music, DON'T LISTEN TO THEM YOU RETARD. COMMON SENSE! And I think you got something mixed up, it's not System Of A Down that sucks. It's you, and your fucked up site.

-Kara

I hate three things: hate mail, Disturbed, and, System of a Down, but the two I hate, the most are, Disturbed, and System of a Down, and the one, that I hate, the most is, System of a Down.

Lets just get one thing straight. Your clearly one of those guys who thinks he is really intellectual but really isn't. You get kicks writing rather daft articles on websites because you cant cope when matched against actual humans. I feel sorry for you because you have some rather strong built in anger which you are trying to vent through inane articles. Perhaps you could use an anger managment counsellor. I think you feel unloved and have few people that care about. A situtation through which you express yourself by ranting about a rather insignificant topic. Get this straight SOAD is music. Thats all. Stop trying to read so deep into it. It is made to entertain and considering the massive success the band clearly succeed in this goal. There are a few things I need to correct you on. Only idiots don't follow the rule- 'Keep your friends close but your enemies closer'. [Not that you have friends] SOAD are keeping their capatilist enemy close and by being part of the system can bring the system down from inside. I personally do not believe that but considering your trying to say that SOAD want to tear down the system I have given a perfectly good and more valid rebutt. Also the reason Roosevelt did not fight the war was not his disability. As a disabled person he could have fought the war by working in the beaucratic organs of the military. The actual reason why he didn't fight was because he was over the maximum age to join the military. So sorry but your are wrong. Basically I am just sending this to you to encourage you to get a life. Dust off those curtains and open the windows. Smell fresh air and try and move away from you PC. Instead of ranting about a very insignificant thing why don't you try and enjoy life. Even if your a complete gimp.

-Old Bean

I like this guy because he has the most bizarre explanations for things ever. So, Roosevelt was too old to be in the military, right? Otherwise he could have worked in a bureaucratic capacity? Oh, well shoot, I guess he was too old to be the fucking commander-in-chief of the military, then. We’d better put a maximum age limit on the presidency so we don’t have such conflicts and contradictions in the future. Also, the gorgeous “taking the system down from the inside” rebuttal is perhaps too extraordinary to discuss.

lol your review for system of a downs new cd was fucking stupid! you obviously have no taste for music and you obviously should have no place in reviewing music at all. YOU are more of a joke than them? Is it just bands that make a difference in the world you hate? or what? I dont even see how you can be able to review cds with such comments? did u refer it to a childrens novelty? lol ur saying a childrens novelty would talk about violent porno and other random things like that? haha wow man seriously GET OUT of reviewing albums because obviously you have no idea what your reviewing? you probably havent even heard the cd? i dont see how you have any room to sit back and bash someone who makes 10X more $$ than you ever could?

yeah the cd MUST suck..it only sold 800,000 copies in 2 weeks? they GOTTA suck? well david i guess ill leave you with a fuck you and have a nice day.

-Kyle

Nothing that sells 800,000 copies could possibly suck! Kyle must be the biggest Mariah Carey fan in the universe.

are you like four years old ... or does musical opinion not matter... why do you care what complete strangers listen to. if someone listens to a certain band, that doesnt make them an idiot. its makes them better than the person trying to dictate what they should and shouldnt listen to. maybe give us a list of a few bands you like and we can rip them apart for every flaw that they have and call you a retard for listening to them. name calling was cool in 3rd grade.

-Rich

Whoa, this is the second guy to say that I sound four years old. I wonder what it is about me that suggests four, as opposed to six or thirteen. I take offense to this, because I have a mental age of seven and I read at a ninth-grade level (a disparity which technically makes me a genius).

Hope you’ll listen to aerials or toxicity soon.. or chop suey! Ok i read all the sentences that you wrote but its just rediciolous to read your comments about the band that i love very much.. the lyrics can go this way

My cock is much bigger than yours or my shit stinks much beter than yours.. every single fan should understand what they want to.. i think soad is the closest band to me even im from TURKEY and im accepting the genocide problems.. they can be ARMENIAN it doesnt matter to me bucause i do love hearing DARON MALAKIAN s or SERJ TANKIAN s voice and that im a child over 18 years old and i think that im someone that has special needs.. soad is feeding me my thoughts about life or the world that im living in… the thing your doing is called humanity.. who you think you are???? How can you say that daron musnt sing anymore..? getr rid of the way you are….

-Tulu

This guy is accepting of genocide? I know Turks are supposed to be bloodthirsty, but that’s just monstrous!

You're the biggest asshole of the world!
System of a down is not a shit...
You're the shit!

-Raphaël

Okay, okay, foreign people are funny, but this is getting a little old.

I am a 41 year old mother of 3 grown children, and about to become a grandmother; and I love System of a Down. While I believe that you are entitled to your low opinion of the band, I believe it utterly unnecessary to refer to the music or the fans as retarded. Wouldn't your energies be better spent in trashing the current political climate in America? Or even better, call for the impeachment of a president who has participated willingly in the deaths of what will surely reach the thousands, in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina. (Hell, we were going to impeach a President for using his "cigaro" in an untoward manner in the Oval Office.) These things, and many more, (such as the potential confirmation of Supreme Court nominee, John Roberts), deserve your attention, and verbal venom. Not a group of young men who have actually encouraged their fans to educate themselves politically; no small feat when one considers that the primary fan base is under the age of 25, and its sometimes hard to motivate a teenager to clean their room at that age, let alone, encourage them to become politically informed. Please utilize your time and words wisely, Mr. Thorpe. Wasting them is just..well, a waste:)

Sincerely,
Michele

Just because the political climate sucks doesn’t mean I have to write about it. Plenty of people do that. The world needs some levity, too, and I do my part by making fun of shitty bands on the internet so people may laugh, and then laugh again when they read disgruntled hate mail from people who take music too seriously. Also, even though I think George Bush is a shitheel, I’d stop short of saying that he “participated willingly in the deaths” of those affected by hurricane Katrina. Sure, the administration fucked stuff up, but “participated willingly” makes it sound like he rode the floodwaters on a surf board lopping off heads with a samurai sword. I’m not saying he didn’t, I just can’t prove that he did.

WE ARE FUCKING PLAYING MUSIC, THAT'S WHAT WE ARE FUCKING DOING!Hey some guy who has no clue what the hell he is talking about, I am a huge system of a down fan and since reading your 2 cents i have never been more pissed off in my life. You should get a life and stop tearing the shit out of things that you dont understand.OH yeah and E-MAIL FROM A RETARD, PLEASE IGNORE, ya like that is going to stop me from emailing you. I am not a retard in any case but obviously you are for making a laughing stock of the best band on the planet. In a concert i went to i remember exactly what they said to people like you.."people think we sing about politics,sex,drugs, we sing about our life. WE ARE FUCKING PLAYING MUSIC, THAT'S WHAT WE ARE FUCKING DOING!". Since this isn't music for you I guess you stick with Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, but thats fine whatever makes you happy. Now that I have given my thoughts on the worst and most infuriating thing I have ever read in my life you can email me and try again to prove yourself.

-kibbles n bits guy

try to prove me wrong and you will fail.

The fact that you’ve never been more pissed off in your life is pretty sad. In a world where the president is participating willingly in natural disasters and fascists are censoring internet articles, you can only muster anger for some guy making fun of a band you like? Get some perspective!

hey you suck alot of fuckin cock maybe that be because you aint fucking got one!!!!!!!!!!!!! you suck alot i mean it i dont want to ever see your fucking ass ont the message board unless you got something good to say about s.o.a.d other than that watch your back.!!!!!!!!

-Ms. Chicana

Hey, guess what, I’m lurking on the System of a Down message board right now and I have nothing good to say about them, and there’s not a thing you can do about it (other than more ill-conceived threats via e-mail, I guess).

some people just have really bad taste....i can easily read your taste in music....you dont appreciate other types of music..you dont see whats in front of you...you dont see whats behind the picture....your just so lost...atleast thats how you make yourself seem

-Lightthespiral

I like to think that this guy is some kind of ultra-empathetic psychic who can lightly touch his fingertips to his computer screen and see inside the souls of people on the Internet, and then he sits there in a trance with a profoundly pained expression, and then a tear rolls down his cheek and he mumbles “he is so lost… so lost…” Ha! I made you cry, you fairy.

fuck you you fucking piece of shit you prob like some fucking shit like panthera or linkin park yeah thats really fucing uique when theres thousands of other fucking bands that shound the same go fuck yourself you cock sucking fuck i would kick your fucking ass if i ever fucking saw you.

-William

Well, let’s just leave it at that. If anyone else has any half-baked threats or jumbled foreign word-puzzles for me, I hope that they’ll send them to [email protected] so I can continue to be amused by the giant blob of poor taste and mental tragedy that is the Information Age.

– Dr. David Thorpe (@Arr)

More Your Band Sucks

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.