ugh. booted from CrotchChat IRC again
— egg dog (@egg_dog) May 16, 2013
"Hello, The Past? Hi, 2013 here! The big movies this weekend are Iron Man, Star Trek, and The Great Gatsby. Please send more ideas."
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) May 17, 2013
Ahhh, thank you for the sexual intercourse, baby. [pulls out stack of comic books and starts to read] Nice.
— Daniel Eastman (@danieleastman) May 18, 2013
When God closes a door, He opens a window.God does not give a shit about your electric bill.
— Jennifer L. (@TheFearBoners) May 18, 2013
The first hackers were soviet commandos who made the USA armycomputer screens say "USA SMELL LIKE ASS WIND"
— Matt ⚡ (@power_crystals) May 18, 2013
When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You're both now.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) May 18, 2013
I love those commercials where fat people talk about being unable to clean their own ass holes without wetnaps
— ''Steve''(@extranapkins) May 19, 2013
Why we don't refer to writing as "going number 3" I have no idea
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) May 19, 2013
Remember haters? - me in the future, living in an utopian society
— African Strongman(@bIoach) May 19, 2013
It's so embarrassing when I'm wearing a skimpy sundress while making chicken wings and my huge titty drops into the deep fryer
— MattyTalks(@mattytalks) May 19, 2013
if you dont refer to your dog's front legs as their 'arms' then you're seriously fucking up and should be in jail. in my opinion
— Hot Mini Donuts (@diaper_wolf) May 19, 2013
chasing a hoop down a dusty road with a stick to celebrate all things rustic as well as i'm a fucking idiot who should be in the hospital
— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) May 19, 2013
00:00 You finish the last Big Mac & hold your hands up. It's a new record. Mayor McCheese's cheerleader girlfriend is yelling at him
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) May 19, 2013
I'm not going to have kids mainly because I don't want my vagina to look like someone picked me up and swung me around by it
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) May 19, 2013
Imagine Deadmau5 in his kitchen making an omelette and yes he's wearing that giant helmet thing.
— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) May 19, 2013
an enormous ass blocks my view of the sun, casting a perfect ass shadow on my face humiliating my family who wereall born without asses
— Cool Pond (@cool_pond) May 19, 2013
the one tumblr blog whose author self-identifies as a yahoo executive just had his fucking mind blown
— Commish of hangin' (@TheBeerNerd) May 19, 2013
wow dragons lair is on steam now everyone! *turns around, no one in the entire world gives a shit*
— kc grєєn (@kcgreenn) May 19, 2013
Apparently you can't cash in Twitter followers for wine. What am I even doing here?
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 19, 2013
hot sauce > mustard > mayo > garbage > ketchup
— AlmightyBob (@AlmightyBoob) May 19, 2013
By 3rd grade you've learned all the slang terms for genitalia & after that I don't even remember what the rest of elementary school was for
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) May 19, 2013
New Gamer Salute i just cam e up withGamer 1:Game in Courage Gamer 2: As True Gamers DareBoth in Unison: May We Game Forever
— GraeyDave (@graeyalien) May 20, 2013
ah the great philosophers, Plato, Knifeo, Forko, Spoono, and all the rest
— Duke Longley (@dukelongboard) May 20, 2013
we will be packing up our tumblrs and moving over to either plart or jozzle. anyone moving to creatr or scrollo need not speak to me again.
— brendle what (@brendlewhat) May 20, 2013
How come I gotta look at dog buttholes? Why can't dogs have plump butt cheeks and a hidden hole like humans?!?!?!
— MARLO meekins (@MarloMeekins) May 20, 2013
i was at six flags chicago today and the staff there realized quick that it was my Emotions that were the Real Roller Coaster
— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) May 21, 2013
PLEASE No "Game of Thrones" spoilers until three years from now when I'm 32 and unemployed and watching "Game of Thrones." I mean, probably.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) May 21, 2013
Somewhere a Buzzfeed Editor is desperately searching for 12 other potato chips that look like actors from the cast of Murphy Brown.
— dan guterman (@danguterman) May 21, 2013
no YOU'RE taking a pregnancy test in an ihop bathroom
— rap game glenna (@glenna_opt) May 21, 2013
thinking about letting my penis grow out this summer
— rob (@robwhisman) May 21, 2013
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