A BRIEF MESSAGE FROM JIM BAGLEADUCIA, OWNER OF "JIM BAGLEADUCIA'S LUST BARN":

Hi kids, this is Jim Bagleaducia, owner of Jim Bagleaducia's Lust Barn! First off, I'd like to advise everybody to NOT watch the investigative report show "60 Minutes" this upcoming Sunday at 7:00 on CBS. Their show survives by solely promoting lies and slander with absolutely NO truth whatsoever. So don't watch the show. And if you see trailers for the show saying something along the lines of "investigating the crooked matchmaker industry," don't bother watching it because it doesn't feature me or my service, even if you hear them specifically mention my name. You are just hearing things. Also there are like HUNDREDS of Jim Bagleaducia's in the phone book, so even if they did say my name, it probably wasn't me. And TV gives you brain cancer.

So you're alone on a Friday night, trying to sex up some obese 500-pound slug on the AOL "cYb3rWaR3z" chat channel. The stench of sweat socks and decaying pizza floats throughout your ghetto apartment, attracting hordes of roaches and houseflies. It doesn't have to be this way. You can change. For example, you can stop ordering pizza and instead buy hoagie sandwiches. More importantly, you can also find the lover of your dreams... the dreams that make a big mess, if you catch my drift. Jim Bagleaducia's Lust Barn is here to help all you eligible bachelors find the human being of your dreams so you may find true love, figure out how to procreate, and spit out a couple hundred halfwit kids. We've hooked up thousands of unwilling state prisoners to date, so what makes you think that we can't do the same for you? Do you believe you're better than a criminal on death row? Do you? We here at Jim Bagleaducia's Lust Barn don't think you are, and we promise we'll work just as hard for you as we did for the guy who was arrested for soliciting a yield sign. Don't believe us? Well believe the following examples of our matchmaking successes!

PETER MONGOL and JULIA "SAM" BURNS

Peter Mongol was stuck in a dead-end, 9 to 5 job. His boss made him come into work almost EVERY weekday and was so cruel that he once punished Peter for sleeping on the job! Peter couldn't find the time to hunt down the woman of his dreams... until he found Jim Bagleaducia's Lust Barn! Through our exclusive services he was able to meet up with Julia "Sam" Burns, a construction worker who specialized in photocopying blueprints for portable restrooms. On weekdays, Sam Burns was just one of the guys, hanging around and scratching his groinal area. However, on weekends, Julia came out and painted the town red with desire! We matched Julia and Peter up, and through the miracle of "chaining their legs together with a large metal clamp," we were able to force them to realize they were really attracted to each other. Now they're living happily in downtown Kyossett City, raising three children and partying the nights away! Oh wait, I just checked the file folder, and it turns out they're both dead thanks to a murder / suicide pact. Well, you know, whatever.

ALEX MASTERSON and GLENDA McNALLY

Alex Masterson was engaged to a beautiful 22-year old supermodel / nuclear technician. He was earning $850,000 a year and coming home every day to his multi-million dollar mansion, gorgeous girlfriend, and his golden retriever Rex. Things couldn't look any better for Alex... or could they? Although he appeared to be incredibly happy, we thought things could get even better for him, so we murdered his girlfriend and burned down his house while framing him for the homicide and arson. Alex soon found himself in prison for 40 years to life... and couldn't find a girlfriend anywhere! Our service came in and swept Alex off his feet with Glenda McNally, an 86-year old librarian with no arms. Soon it was love at first sight, and Alex now communicates with Glenda daily, assuming she has taken her pills that day and doesn't think she's a duck.

BARBARA NEILY and BOB REYNOLDS

I really don't know what the deal is with these two. I seem to have misplaced their folder. I guess they love each other or some shit like that. Who cares.

Still aren't convinced by these happy couples? God are you fucking dense! Well take a brief look through these featured singles, ready and willing to meet with you and participate in whatever filthy activities get you off.

FUN_LOVER_38362

Turn Ons: Failed magic tricks, blind women, turn signals.

Turn Offs: The electric chair.

What I'm Looking For In a Mate: I dont want no bitch who yells at me when she catches me masturbating into her golf shoes... (more)

SUPER_KILLAH-666 {PCE} [GmZ]

Turn Ons: POKEMON!!!!!!!!!

Turn Offs: DIGIMON!!!!!!!!

What I'm Looking For In a Mate: U BETTER NOT HAVE COOTIES LOL ROFLE AND U MUST HAVE PRETTY HAIR LIKE JENNIE FROM MATH CLASS... (more)

Crazy_sexy_cool

Turn Ons: big fun, walks on the beach, dancing all night!

Turn Offs: poor people.

What I'm Looking For In a Mate: I am a supermodel from New York. Ignore the photo of me, that was taken on a bad hair day. I like modeling and eating after I... (more)

SMALL CHILD'S ROBOT DRAWING

Turn Ons: I am a small child's drawing of a robot.

Turn Offs: I am a small child's drawing of a robot.

What I'm Looking For In a Mate: It doesn't really matter. Just, for God's sake, please don't drool all over me... (more)

So what in God's name are you waiting for? Hurry up and join now so you too may meet the humaniod-shaped entity of your dreams! Time's a-wastin' away and you're just getting one step closer to death. Sign up now and get $10 off your next oil change at Jiffy Lube!

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