The Super Hornio Brothers Saga

At a Glance: Squeegie Hornio (Ron Jeremy) is a computer programmer working on a popular video game when a power surge sucks him and his brother Ornio Hornio (a virtually incoherent T.T. Boy) into "the black void that exists inside a computer monitor when the computer is turned off." This leads to a confrontation with the unhealthily sweaty King Pooper (Buck Adams, who has forgotten to bring his inside voice) and a series of sexual encounters with women who appear semi-tranquilized. Nation of Origin: The supranational oddspace of Buck Adams' brain. Languages: Techno babble (Ron Jeremy), screeching (Buck Adams), mumbling off-microphone (T.T. Boy), and vague innuendos delivered in a monotone (the entire female cast). Sexual Content: Sweat, grease, and hair everywhere. Scoop out Prince's shower drain, plop whatever is in there on a woman's groin, and then have Buck Adams jack off onto it. Oh, yeah, and he's screaming like a cartoon character while he's doing it.

In July of 2008, SA Forums user doorknobjohnny pointed out something that seemed ridiculous, but turned out to be true: it's really hard to find a copy of the porno Mario parodies Super Hornio Brother and Super Hornio Brothers 2. You would think pop culture garbage that involved pornography and the world's most famous video game would find a happy home on the Internet. Instead, it is nearly impossible to find either of the Super Hornio Brothers films.

Inspired by the mystery, I threw down the gauntlet here in my Horrors of Porn column and challenged our readers to find a copy. Many readers emailed me claiming to have a copy or know someone who did, one time, back before college, only it turns out, like, it was the wrong box. A few kind readers sent me copies of the sex-only CD-ROM version, but it didn't quite do the job. Months passed, no better leads turned up, and it appeared the search was going to fail.

Today, I am overjoyed to announce that the search has ended. A mysterious benefactor has provided doorknobjohnny and Something Awful with a full DVD copy of Super Hornio Brothers 2.

Buck Adams originally envisioned Super Hornio Brothers as a single epic movie. It boasted a 37-page script and ten sex scenes! Unfortunately, the studio backing the production balked at the costly Apocalyse Now-like three-day shooting schedule. Adams was willing to trim the script, but unwilling to sacrifice his creative vision. He moved to a different studio and chopped down the script so that a manageable two-day shoot could be planned.

The end result was still too long, so it was split into two movies. Thankfully, the second installment begins with a lengthy recap of story and sex. That recap is as good a place to begin as any:

Just to be clear, Ron Jeremy and T.T. Boy are sucked into an early 90s Macintosh that is running Mario, they see some sort of 3D rendered crap, Squeegie (Ron Jeremy dressed as Mario) and Ornio (dressed as Luigi) rescue the princess from King Pooper by throwing him in a bathtub and turning him to smoke.

Then the Princess and Ornio teleport back to the real world and Squeegie uses some sort of evil machine, but then King Pooper reappears and grabs him. Ommitted: Ron Jeremy trundling around naked sticking his giant wiener up buttholes.

That brings us straight into Super Hornio 2, which begins with Ornio and the Princess (played phonetically by Chelsea Lynx) reappearing in Squeegie's office. After a tiny bit of Princess and her "bang bang GI come here for good time" dialog, the pair spread their VD across a couple of work surfaces completely apathetic to Squeegie's plight.