Internet Spotlight v3.0

It's been more than a year since the last Horrors of Porn, but somehow the Internet has chugged along in my absence producing a dizzying kaleidoscope of weird pornography. I think it might have been the release of the Amy Fisher "leaked" sex tape that finally shook me from my hibernation and convinced me that I had abandoned my post at the ramparts of indecency. The dereliction of duty has been corrected and I return to the eternal font of awfulness that is the Internet with three of the strangest clips to date. Babysitting goes horribly wrong when a yeti pays a visit, a model looking for more work ends up being molested by a ventriloquist dummy, and an intrepid reporter discovers that Al Qaeda's secret weapon might just be the entire alphabet of hepatitis.

Evelyn Yin Vs. Yeti

Yes, my favorite story, REDACTED about REDACTED. Babysitters have long been a staple of porn. They represent the ideal relationship for most men: unattached, young and impressionable, and obedient to the rules about no long distance calls. They don't have any cooking or cleaning or, god forbid, working to gripe about. They corral the kids to bed, order a pizza, and then let some creepy failed writer twice their age grope them in the car on the way home.

That's what I got out of The World According to Garp and I'm hoping it remains true until I can make it to the 36 year old sweet spot of creepy failed writers groping teenagers half their age. Until then, I'll have to content myself with the latest twist on the sexy babysitter concept: the sexy babysitter getting sexually assaulted by a mythological Nepalese monster.

Evelyn Yin plays the part of the slight be-pigtailed babysitter to the titular Yeti's surprisingly petite menace. The clip begins with Yin reading a scary story about a monster menacing a young woman into the camera. The camera's perspective is seemingly that of one of Yin's charges, but the director can't make up his mind whether the kid is terrified of the story or sound asleep. Frightened shaking and gasping blends together with loud stock snoring sound effects while Yin recites the tale.

Her story complete, Yin heads into another bedroom and stretches out for a nap. A sound rouses her from her slumber and she heads out into the hall to investigate. Instead of returning parents she finds a severed head and a roaring monster. The yeti looks like a short man wearing a werewolf mask and a one-piece baby sleeper made out of fake fur.

The yeti attacks!Yin screams and runs, the yeti gives chase. She barricades herself inside a bedroom while the not-so-giant yeti very gently pounds on the door. When things quiet down Yin makes the mistake of opening the door to see if the yeti has left.

It hasn't. The yeti chases Yin into the room and corners her on the bed with a rough approximation of a mighty roar. Yin seems certain her fate is sealed, but instead of a deadly swipe of its rubber claws, the yeti's circumcised penis slides ominously and slowly out of its fur coat. It must have been hell for his parents to find a mohel in the Himalayas.

Yin reacts the only way a babysitter can be expected to react: she chomps chode and then hops aboard the Himalayan express for a ride. The sex scene is hampered by a few factors, beyond the obvious "she's screwing a yeti" issue that should be self-evident. As soon as the action starts so does one of the worst background music tracks I've heard in my many years of porn watching. It's a generic techno loop, but it incorporates a telephone ringing. I guess whichever douchebag did the soundtrack for this one didn't have access to "air raid siren" or "baby screaming" to really set the mood properly.

Was it all a dream? Am I going to jail for sleeping naked in your kid's bedroom?The guy in the yeti suit doesn't make things any easier on the ears. He roars for the first couple minutes, but once they start having intercourse it sounds like he's going to hyperventilate inside the werewolf mask.

The roaring is replaced by an asthmatic gasping punctuated by the occasional breathless groan of "oh god". Evelyn Yin shrieks it out like a champ, providing a little cover for the guy behind the mask to adjust the eyeholes and get some better ventilation.

The sex ends with a cryptozoological facial and a fade to black. Evelyn Yin is awakened on the bed by the returning parents who wonder why she is naked. Was it all a dream? We can only hope.