Winter Olympics Special: Zenra Curling

At a Glance: The increasingly occult circles of Japanese fetish porn invade the pathetically iconic sport of the Winter Olympics: curling. The curling premise only holds up for the first 20 minutes and even then it's just an excuse to get naked squealing Japanese girls on a Slip N' Slide covered with gunk. Nation of Origin: Glorious Nippon. Languages: Japanese, shouting "yeah!" over and over in English. Sexual Content: The heavy censoring applies only to the vagina, leaving the everyday human butt hole to flap in the breeze during spinning sludge slides. Plenty of prodding vibrators and Homeless Chachi donk. Available From: Jlist is your one-stop-shop to ruin all obscure sports with pornography

Every four years the world endures the Winter Olympics and every four years we rediscover curling, the most popular sport among ironic Winter Olympics viewers. It's the sporting version of that friend you had in college that you lost touch with and then run into four years later at a Yankee Candle and you're with your wife and he's alone buying pumpkin spice candles and he is wearing a Christmas sweater that is so earnestly lame that you sort of want to be his friend again. That's curling.

Timely porno Zenra Curling attempts to harness the fleeting uptick in worldwide curling enthusiasm by reimagining the sport as a porno version of shuffleboard. There are no stones or bumping for position in Zenra Curling, instead there are...well...I'll let the video explain. It's in another language but I think it can provide a quick overview of the sport.

This video does not contain nudity, but it does feature women in swimsuits being hurled down greased lanes at dildos, so just a heads up.

If you are looking for a realistic pornographic depiction of curling then Zenra Curling will disappoint. The goal consists of three upright dildos at approximately vagina-level standing within a circle resembling a curling goal. The white lane is plastic covered in a translucent lubricant goop. The women also prior to sliding down the curling lane. Launch is done by two women, with each holding one arm and one leg of the woman being launched. A fourth woman sweeps in front of the slider using a mop in the goop.

Several clips depict women hitting the goal dildos mouth-first, but the coveted vagina goals are always reversed video closeups, suggesting the actual goal of the sport is impossible. There are two curling segments: the one you see in this video and another in which the women are completely naked. Both versions are heavily edited and the women will often slide to an obvious halt well before the goal, at which point the movie cuts to a closeup of them sliding into the goal or hitting their mark.

The curling portion of the movie is confusing (there's no real score-keeping) and heavily padded with reused footage and "training" scenes. The training portions center around an unkempt Asian Chachi lookalike who barks instructions at the competitors and forces them to squat on dildos and use some uncomfortable contraption that is a cross between a stripper pole and a dildo.

Messy Chachi involves his wetsuit-wearing assistant coach and they two hang one of the women from a meathook, coat her with the goop used to lubricate the curling track, and treat her like a sick dolphin at Sea World.

The nude curling segment follows all this training and it seems to be the "official" curling portion of the video.

There are four girls competing in the curling events. I do not understand Japanese so I have called them by names phonetically similar to words I heard during their introduction.

	"Bean" Skills include guido princess hair, childlike yelling, and rampant bun-clenching. Attractive until she starts making that dying animal yowl that is the hallmark of Japanese pornography.
	"Segundo" Skills include weirdly happy about everything, possibly mentally handicapped, huge fucking shovel face, vaudevillian levels of blush. Probably born intersexed.
	"Father" Big jugs, civil war graveyard teeth, looks "farty', seemed very adept at squatting on a plastic baby-sized wiener during the training portion. Good to know if you need a scary-mouthed farter to tear up your baby's dingus.
	"Push-top" The real star! Looks like Lisa Simpson, constantly upset, skilled at most training exercises including the stripper pole and the vibrators. When threatened makes an awesome turtle face.

I think Push-top won the curling competition, but it is hard to be certain. After the curling has ended all of the girls head back to the training area and are rewarded with Homeless Chachi and his wetsuited buddy giving them the full hot order. This is pretty standard porno stuff other than the curling girl flower formation.

If you're looking for a way to celebrate the Winter Olympics with a few friends you would have more fun emulating this movie than watching it. I call that the Funny Games clause, when I literally wanted to be torture killed instead of watching that movie.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)