Subject: Medical Care
husband has been in and out of the hospital for several
years, but his condition has recently deteriorated and now
he will require expensive specialized daily treatments.
Our health insurance company is unwilling to pay for his
treatments, even though our doctor says these treatments
will help my husbandís condition. What can I do to make
sure our insurance company pays for these needed treatments?
I am with a couple of my fly legal bitches. I had convinced
them I was International Superstar David Hasselhoff.
have certain insurance rights. However, these are primarily
based on the procedures and coverage provisions of your insurance
policy. In this instance it is not possible to answer your
question without reviewing the policy and knowing more about
the nature of your husband's condition and the proposed treatment.
However, I have found that most illnesses fall into three
"Coughing Up Lots of Nasty-Ass Crap."
This condition occurs when there is some kind of infection
in your husband's lungs (in medical terminology, his "medulla
oblongata"). This causes him to cough up all sorts
of weird crap like snot and hairballs. The doctors have
to spend a lot of money giving him expensive medicine that
either stops the crud from coming out of his mouth, kills
the infection, or kills your husband. The first two options
are the most preferable unless you don't really like your
2) "Hey, My Legs Are Gone!" This
unfortunate medical condition is the result of having your
legs separated from the rest of your body. While there isn't
a real "cure" for this, the patient does have
an excuse to get drunk and curse a lot, even moreso if he
was an Olympic runner before the accident. Your best bet
is to sell his life story to the Lifetime network, where
they will make a movie and air it in between "Where's
My Baby?" and "I Think My Husband is Cheating
on Me, Part 1283."
3) "Failure to Live." Most often
caused by death, doctors and scientists have not found any
cure for this problem. If this is indeed the illness afflicting
your husband, you should probably be asking something about
life insurance rather than medical insurance. Or death insurance,
I guess. Do they have such a thing?
you tried experimental drugs and surgery? I'm not talking
about wimpy stuff like going to the hospital and signing a
form for some new procedure, I'm talking about just getting
a whole bunch of stuff together, mixing it into a bowl, and
then injecting it into his arm. I'm no medical expert, but
I've seen some of the stuff they have in test tubes on that
TV show "ER", and it looks like Windex or Liquid
Plumber. Just go to Wal-Mart, buy some industrial solvents,
and empty them all into a big bowl. Yank open your husband's
mouth, dump the crud in, and voila, instant homegrown cure!
I mean, it's not like he can get any worse or anything.
represented a client in a similar situation, both for the
insurance trial and her subsequent murder charges. She were
found not guilty because I was able to convince the jury I
could turn into a 500-foot leprechaun that could shoot fire
out of my nipples. I casually mentioned this in my closing
argument while listing the street addresses of each and every
juror. This is a tactic I like to call "Smoking the Pork
Snowman." One time I was in the woods and I saw the
Subject: Family problems
wife and I are separating and probably will file for divorce.
Neither of us has moved out of the house yet, but we're
constantly arguing about how we're going to handle our 6-year-old
daughter. I am afraid that I will lose my rights to see
her and be with her just because I am her father rather
than her mother. What do I need to do to keep my daughter
and I together at least part of the time?
information you provided, you indicated that a divorce action
is pending and that you have joint custody. You also mention
that you and your wife are separating, probably will file
for divorce, and are living in the same house. Therefore,
I will assume from this information that while you feel a
divorce is "pending", nothing formal has yet been filed with
the court and there are no temporary orders of any kind.
advise taking your child and wife onto some fancy courtroom
television show like "Judge Judy" or that one show
about the hip hop judge from the inner city hood. I think
it's called "Yo! MC Judge!" or something. Anyway,
take them onto the show and plead for the mercy of the court
to give you sole possession of the child. Then make slanderous
remarks about your wife and begin crying when the judge yells
at you (and they will). TV show judges like nothing more than
raw emotion because it really boosts the ratings, so try and
be as emotional as possible. Start off the trial acting like
a nice guy, then suddenly throw wild accusations at your wife.
Claim she pays bikers for sex. Accuse her of being involved
in a Satanic cult. Lie about the time you went on a vacation
to Mexico and she participated in the live donkey show. Saying
all these untrue things about your wife will allow the judge
to yell at you and accuse you of being a terrible father for
saying such horrible things in front of your idiot kid. The
camera will pan to the audience and show some lady shaking
her head sadly at you. Then the judge will rule in favor of
your wife and you will probably never be allowed to see your
child again. However, here's the hook: when the bailiff is
leading you out of the courtroom, you should use a time machine
to travel back in time to BEFORE the trial took place,
grab your kid, and then time travel to 200 years in the FUTURE!
Everybody will have forgotten about your stupid little custody
battle by that point and you'll be a free man! Just watch
out for the killer robots with claws! They'll tear your
fucking head off!
a case like this back in 1968. Know what I did? I filled up
my car with polyester pants, put a brick on the acceleration
pedal, and drove it into the courthouse! The defense never
knew what hit them! Literally! Then I had sex with the judge!
Or maybe it was a horse! Who knows!