From:
MARVIN JEFFERSON
Subject: SURGICAL MISHAP
DEAR
LEONARD.
RECENTLY
I WENT INTO THE HOSPITAL FOR SURGERY. I WAS SUPPOSED
TO HAVE MY KIDNEY TAKEN OUT AND REPLACED BY TWO NEW
KIDNEYS - ONE FOR NORMAL USE AND THE OTHER FOR "TURBO"
MODE. WHEN I CAME OUT OF SURGERY, I NOTICED THAT THEY
BOTCHED UP THE SURGERY BECAUSE I AM NOW A 6 FOOT TALL
WHITE MAN NAMED "MARVIN JEFFERSON". I DISTINCTLY
REMEMBER BEING A BLACK WOMAN BEFORE THE OPERATION. THEY
EVEN CHANGED ALL MY PERSONAL PHOTOS AND BRAINWASHED
MY FAMILY MEMBERS INTO GOING ALONG WITH THEIR SCREW
UP.
SO
I WAS WONDERING WHAT KIND OF MINERALS ARE FOUND IN THE
ATACAMA DESERT? ALSO I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD SUE
THE DOCTORS. AND THAT DESERT THING TOO, BUT MOSTLY THE
SUEING ISSUE.
THANKS
HONEY
Dear
Leonard-
Oops,
I guess I did it again! I'll try to correct addressing
myself in future issues. Anyway Marvin, you have a very
complex legal issue that we lawyers like to call, "pro
bonito sans serif MS arial 12 font". This basically
means that due to no fault of your own you have suffered
a medical mishap with unwanted results. The toughest part
of a case like this revolves around proving that you were
once in the shape or condition you described. Your best
action would be to look through your personal video tape
collection and listen for people saying things that would
support your claim. Pay particular attention to phrases
such as, "my, you sure are beautiful! And a black
woman too!" or "it would sure suck if you suddenly
became a six-foot tall white man, because we love you
for the black woman you currently are!". If you can
find evidence like I described, you're in good shape.
I
had a case like this back in 1973, right about the time
of the Cuban Missile Crisis. I remember the case well,
mainly because it's hard to forget with all those Cubans
and missiles involved. Anyway, my client, Bud Kellog,
was being sued by the Sony Corporation for rubbing all
their AM radios on their assembly line against his private
parts. I won the jury over with my award-winning smile
and extensive knowledge of the law. Oh yeah, and the jury
was composed 75% of members from my family, and they were
all afraid to choose in favor of Sony because they were
still afraid of me since the picnic a couple months before
when I attempted to publicly demonstrate my telekinetic
skills by pushing a dog off the roof.
Now
that I think about it, that case isn't anything like the
one you mentioned. However, it did end up with me being
voted as "Lawyer of the Year" by all the guys
at the YMCA. Some people claimed that the only reason
I got that title was because the other lawyer quit the
club weeks before, but I know that's just not true.
The other guy never quit the YMCA, the Police
found his corpse locked in the back of his car trunk before
he had a chance to. Oh yeah, and large amounts of sodium
nitrate are found in the Atacama Desert. Sodium nitrate
is used to make gunpowder, salt, plywood, and pelicans.
From:
Eric Willingham
Subject: mental anguish!!!!
I
wanted a PLAYSTATION for last chirstmas but all i got
was a PIKACHU ALARM CLOCK!!!! WTF?!? can I sue my parrents?
ITS BULLSHIT!
PS:
YOUR COLUM RULES!!! LEONARD
PPS:
DONT SHOW THIS LETTER TOO MY PARRENTS PLEASE!
Susan-
(I
am getting better at this responding thing, give me a
couple days to work the "kinks" out) It sounds
like you are suffering from "mental anguish",
or as we legal people like to call it, "mental anguish."
Your cold-hearted parents have chosen to permanently scare
your mind by traumatizing you with such second-rate, shoddy
gifts! It is your right as an American to seek revenge.
Here's what I recommend doing:
1)
Play a lot of realistic violent video games like Doom,
Quake 1 and Quake 2 (but not Quake
3 because no jury in their right mind would say
that game displays anything remotely realistic), Jazz
Jackrabbit, Era Online, Tetris, and
Virtua Tennis. This will sharpen your aiming
skills and help you lose all bearing of reality.
2) Listen to bands like KMFDM, Rammstein, or anything
else that has male German band members which look like
extremely feminine women. The more crappy the music
is, the better.
3) Start wearing a lot of black. Wearing stuff like
black trenchcoats makes you look "cool" even
if you're so fat that it appears as if somebody simply
threw a black pool cover on top of a Volkswagen Beetle.
By
that point your parents should be so utterly afraid of
you that they'll hand over anything you want. If they
don't, you can sue for "mental anguish", claiming
that their lack of proper parenting skills almost forced
you over the edge into a life of violence, Satanic worship,
and stupid German song lyrics. No jury would want to see
another gun-toting psycho on the playground, so you'll
have whatever you want in no time! The terrible tragedy
of violent psychotic youths can be used for your own personal
gain!
Anyway,
that's all the time I have for today. I can hear the Police
sirens in the distance, so I have to shut off all lights
and electronics so they won't see me hiding under the
desk. Before you ask, I hide under my desk for lower back
support, not because I was caught leaking bodily fluids
into the cotton candy machine in the park. Besides, that
wasn't me, it was my identical, uh, brother, who looks
exactly like me and, um, is also named "Leonard Crabs"
but isn't me. He's like my evil twin, which means he's
really bad at legal matters and he CAN'T shove an entire
lit candle inside his ear canal for 20 seconds. Until
next time, this is Leonard "J." Crabs saying,
"may all your legal issues fold like leaky tissues."
I don't know what that exactly means, but it made a lot
of sense last night when I ingested that entire bottle
of prescription medication I found in the attic of a client's
house. And it rhymes too, so there.
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