THE LONGEST YARD
The Oval Office, Washington, D.C.
You wanted to see me, sir?
Greetings #86/68. Have
you ever seen this man, the general, or myself?
Yes sir, on numerous occasions!
Well forget you have, because we're about to send you on a
secret mission, one unlike any other we've ever sent you
Sir, I'm afraid I don't follow you.
Why all the secrecy?
One of our own has gone bad, #86/68.
And you're the only man qualified to take him out.
Gone bad, sir?
Following the presidential elections and his subsequent
defeat, Ralph Nader went mad.
He began acting irrational.
We tried desperately to bring him back, but he was
too far gone to save.
He disappeared out of the public light, but we've been
keeping tabs on him.
He's resurfaced again…
He's deep in the heart of Appalachia.
Worse, he's out there playing god amongst the
You must understand, #86/68, that if word of any of this
ever got out, it would destroy people's faith in
Democracy. Ralph Nader was a famous American, but he's not acting as an
American anymore. I
don't enjoy giving you this mission, but I believe you of
all people will understand most…
I understand! You want me to bring him in.
HUT HUT HUT! I can do that!
He must be stopped at all cost. He won't let you bring him in alive. You're going to have to
tackle him hard.
Tackle him… with extreme prejudice.
#86/68 arrives at Ralph Nader's
compound, cleverly disguised as a campaign headquarters!
It's all right! It's
all been approved! Come
on in, #86/68!
Who are you and why are you all bug-eyed like a hippy,
My name is Thom Yorke and I'm a musician!
You're pushing it son!
Someone like you could do a lot of good! With your
reputation of excellence and good deeds, you could really
provide a voice for the people of this region!
They've dealt with horrible poverty! Then after
that, you could be a voice against corporate abuse and for
You just pushed it too far, kid!
#86/68 IS FIGHTING THOM YORKE!!!
KADOOM! THUCK! POW!
#86/68 HAS DEFEATED THOM YORKE!!!
Now to deal with Nader!
Hello #86/68! It's nice of you to stop by my
campaign headquarters! Are you here to provide me with
Not even close, Nader!
I see... Then you're here because they sent you.
That's right. I'm here to put an end to this
Madness? Madness? Madness is a two party
system that gives the choice between the same two shades
of gray with different names! Americans are ready
for a Green Party president! I'm going to prove it!
You've gone mad! I have no choice but to take you down!
You don't have to be their errand boy, #86/68! You
know right and wrong better than anyone!
I know madness when I see it.
Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm too old for this.
Yes... Yes! You! You! You will be the
one! I'm too old for this, but you... YOU! You
can do this! You can go all the way and you can be
the president! The first Green Party president!
The only green I'll run for is Astroturf! I'm sorry for
what I have to do, but it is necessary! HUT HUT HUT!
Don't kill me now! I've made progress! These people,
they believe in me! And they believe in you, too!
It ends here!
#86/68 IS FIGHTING RALPH NADER!!!!
KER-ZAP! TWAK! THUMP!
#86/68 HAS DEFEATED RALPH NADER!!!!
It ends here...
Later that week, #86/68
has a talk with the Coach
#86/68, son, you did the right thing. The two
parties provide enough choice for all Americans.
From what you describe, the only thing he was offering was
a lot of malarkey anyway.
But what could have driven him to such madness?
Well, I don't think Nader was all there to begin with.
Otherwise he wouldn't have run under that crazy Green
Party in the
first place. He probably gave 110%, like you always
do. Unlike you, he failed. When a fellow
invests a lot into something and fails, it has a way of
tormenting him. If you're a weaker man, that is. The
bottom line is that democracy didn't fail him, he failed
You're right, Coach! Now how's about we discuss strategy
for the big game tonight?
Now that's what I wanted to hear!
HUT HUT HUT!