JEFF K"S"S GUIDE TO TEH
USEING TEH INTARNET!!! 2-25-2002
THAT SI ME
i haev been useing teh intarwebnet for a vary long time, longer than yuor averagge olympic ceremony. I am a mastar of knowledge in HTAML and jabbascript and keys of pressing noise. I once made a movie in school named "ATTACK A ATTACK OF A THE ROBOTS FROM SPACE" and Jerry was in it as "TEH FAT FAGOT" who got killed before teh movie evan started because jerry's mom made him go home and sweep teh deck and make a mockary of evarything in a dirt palace. BUT teh movie recieved crictical acclaim from peopal in a my school, Harry and Mark lieked it and we watched it at lunch until teh VCR stuck and then we ran out of teh room and MR. MILKWEEK tried to catch us but we are LARDS OF ILLUSIAN and blended into a landscape liek trees to a silly bug. I got a scare on my face from teh time my face hit a doorknob.
IF YUO WANT TO contact me then sends me emale at my emale adress but I prorbabaly wont read it becuase a niggah liek me si good in teh hood, I listen to Slopknot and CORN and we rock out in a lunch box for DOPE RHYMES!!! but I will write freelants aritcals for yuor magazine if yuo are impotent liek CNN.COM or CNAT.COM or MCSNCB.COM but not IGN because nobodey reads yuor dumb siet unliek Gamesky were Frago writes hilarous colamns about how he si a countarstriek playar and he drives a tank and hahahahaha FRAGO SI ONE FUNNY BUG! his artiacales remind me of a Klingone c addy. and dont get me wrong I love teh ads on Gamesky taht float evarywhere and take up teh whole screen becuase hey I dont want too read there crap anyway and so then yuo can contract me at teh follwo/
okey I had typed moer stuff there but it deleted it and tahts why I hate Micorsoft because they moponoloized my computar machene and made it as stabal as a teeter totter and teh last thing I need si a systam full of moer bugs so maybe I will upgrade to WINDOWS 3.1 since that was moer stable than windows 2000k versian pack 7
by JEFF K!!!
dont emale me evar!!!!!!1111
BY JEFF K
copyright 2002 by me dont steel my stuff or its clobberin tiem
HELO TROUBALED TEENS AND WELLCOME TO MY NEWEST COLUAMN SENCE MY LAST NEWEST COLUMN!!! let me intorduce myslef in case yuo have lived in grandmas barn ditch for teh last 10 years and havent heard of my legocy. MY NAEM SI JEFF K AND I AM COMPUTAR MACHENE MASTAR OF COMPUTER MACHENES MASTERIES!!! I haev been useing a computar machene since yuo were in diapears and if yuor liek Jerry YUO STILL DO!!! AHAHAHAHAHA Also Jerry once ate gum he found in a watar fountaine because hey guess what Jerrys got a twig nest for a head and his head si liek a modern day fancy feast of horrors!!! but I let him hang around with me for social status becuase I am a well repsected membar of my school were we attend. so I KNOW WAHT IM TALKING ABOUT SO LISTAN UP AND LISTEN GOOD BECUASE ITS TIEM TO DROP SOME SCIENTISTS ON YUO!!!
BY JEFF K.
CHAPTAR 1: WAHT IS TEH INTARNET???
BY JEFF K!!!!
Now soem of yuo kids out there may not know what teh Intarnet si becuase your all trollops bent on a fascinating angle. Teh Intarnet was created in 1987 by a cartographer named Ben who was workeing on a steam powared coffie machene. He also invented Lunix and BeatOS witch I call "BEAT OFF" because anybody who uses BeesOff is about liek a retarded fisharman useing Betamax tapes to catch teh fish!!! hahahahahhahaha WHAT A SHITTY MAN!!! hahahaha Anyway they created teh intarnet becuase he needed a way too comunicate with teh police each time somebody peed in his birdbath and his phone was used to telephone a smarmy man all teh time. SO he created a intarnet to call teh cops. It was an old fashioned device back then and he had to use a cereal port to connect to his Autocad and dabadase all a all of his indexes!! NOW WE DO THAT BY A AUTOMATIC PROGRAM SO HOW'S THAT FOR SUCCESS? TEH PROPHESY HAS BEEN FULFILLED AND WE ARE IN AN AGE OF SUPERNOVAS FOR SURE
ANYWAY he would dial teh polices oriface by useing teh following cerial prot commands:
And then teh police would come over and arest any hoodlums in teh viscinity. Score a victorey for modarn man! TEh intarnet eventually evolved into a creatare that it is tooday with many wires and flag poles and an organizatianal ability of a folder filler. BUT BEFORE THEN WE all used modams to comunicate. there were no networks, there was just modams. All modams connected too each othar so to yuo could palay DuKE NUKAM 3D AND GET TEH SHRINK RAY MICORWAVE GUN!!! I shrank teh Pig Cop into a tiny hog and stepped on him and SAW A STRIPPAR!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA BUT WHERE SI TEH CURRANT DUKE NUCKAM GAME? I DONT KNOW, PROGRESS SI SLOWED DOWN BECAUSE MAYBE GOERGE BRUSSARD HAS SUCH FAT FINGARS THAT HE HITS TEH WRONG KEYS AND ALL TEH CODE COMES OUT LIKE:
and taht si not correct code becayse why si he useing C++ when he could be useing BUSY-AS-USUAL BASIC? I dont know but I do know one thing for sure and taht si because thes si a straw man arguement if yuo ask me and just hurry up and maek teh stuped game yuo fagorts!!! and thats why teh intarnet si so stuped becuase insteads off makeing Duke Nuckman Forevar teh peopal at 3D Rooms are spending there tiem POUNDING QUARTARS INTO A BELLEY BUTTON OF A GLUTENOUS STRIPPAR ON SEX STAGES!!! get to work yuo bozos or else I'll fist yuor skull so hard yuor braines will be flying onto walls liek a chalk factory disastar. also Charlie Weedenhoffer lieks to look at naked baby pictares becuase his head si full of a carpet sample used during a modarn crime.
THEN aftar we stopped useing cerial cabales, we started useing modam cords to connect. heres how a modam chord works:
once yuo know how yuor Intarnet works then yuo can taek advanatage of its many tools such as WINNUKE and PING and LUNIX and AOL chartoooms. AOL si teh best ISP too use but DONT USE AOL BECUASE ITS FOR FAGOTS!!! JERRY uses AOL and his parants wont even let him watch HBO! So dont watch HBO or else it turns off yuor Lunix and then goodbye Linus Torvolvos! I use Platinum AOL which si liek AOL but si a exclusive club liek the NWA or BALACK PANTHERS. besides Mircosoft si bettar its intarnet ready and if yuo use lunix and want to cruise on the instrumation Suparhighway then yuo have too do all kinds of stuped sLunix crap liek:
Aftar yuor data gets too teh telephone poll, it puts yuor data into a phone call conversatian with grandma. So when yuo talk to yuor grandma you should say "hey Grandma, 101010101010110110101 " and that will speeds up teh data especially if she lives downhill from yuo. Then yuor data packets hit teh modam house were all teh machenes are kept and some foerign slobs work at. Then it goes to teh Data Protesting Machene where it decideds witch packets go to a school, which packets go to a porn sex site, and which ones go to Russia where there si nothing but a mysteryious fire there. AND SOME WHEAT!!! Then teh good packets go to an amplifiar which amplifies teh data to become biggar and traval farther to computers which are far away liek in teh ocean. For example it does this:
Now we see that thes procedare si crucial to intaractian with artificial intelligents. because it becomes biggar. Teh amplifiar sends teh new data to AOL which serves it up to all teh right places liek:
so that si how teh intarnet works. When yuo type in a webpaege name liek "WWWW.GHOSTPARTY.CON" thehn teh Modam House translates that too "1010100101012101110101020201019201910" and teh computar says "hmnnnm, let me send that to a govbernmint to make sure yuor not a terrortits" and teh govarnment checks too see if yuor a President or terrortits. they use Carnasaur for that. I MEAN BULBASAUR or soemthing. then its just a packet sending madhouse and evartything gets complecated unless yuor useing Lunix because yuore then still trying to figare out how to turn yuor computar machene on AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAH lunix si for peopal with beards and lice
BUT MICROSFOT SUCKS TOO BILLS GATTS SI A MONONOPOLISH
so in conclusian that si how teh Intarnat works and if yuo dont believe me then go write a webpage for yuor dumb CHalk Factory websiet and try to proove me wrong.
YUO CANT BECAUSE I AM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TEH END!!!!!!
CHATPER TEH END!!!
BY JEFF K!!!!!
BY JEFF K!!!!! EMALE ME HEAR
MY EMALE ADRES DOESNT SEEM TO BE WORKEING RIGHT NOW OH WAIT IT SI EMALE ME HERE
RESOURSES USED TOO CREATES THIS ARTICAL: (I HAEV TO QUOTE THEM FOR MISS ALABROSS'ES STUPED ENGLISH CLASS)