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BY JEFF K.
Hey, I was recently asked to compare video cards for people's computers, since the video card industry makes like a zillion dollars a year and people want to know what card to buy. OK? OK. So through ARC Central's "contacts", I was able to get ahold of many video cards, but I couldof stole them for free too. I am the smartest computer haX0r l33t in my ENTIRE junior high school, so I know what I'm talking about when i write this review, ok? I have over 60 MEGS of illegal MP3s of Smashmouth and Better then Ezra and TU Pac! I have illegal Gameboy and SEGA ROMS! I win whenEVER I play duke 3d and i beat WOLFENSTINE and I can probably beat you too, you stupid fagot lpb fuker. So I know what I;m talking about, OK??!
OK, so the cards I got were a Diamond Monster II 3D and a Creative Labs Riva TnT. First off let me say that the boxes all these cards were packaged in were very bright and colorful. I like colored boxes, except for the time I got this new pair of Nikes and the box was colored and I take out the shoes and the sole in the left one was GONE and damn was I angry! I marched back over to Foot Locker and yelled at them and they say they didn't take the sole, but I know better. I heard them laughing at me after I left. I'd like to hear them laugh at me after I build my hyperblaster and hyperblast them to hell!!!!!
So back to the card. The first one I put in was the Diamond Monster 3D 2 (which I will refer to as the DM3D2, no, I'll just call it the DM, ok?). I put it in the test model computer (my mom's GAteway computer which I customized last year and installed RAMDOUBLER all by myself!!! It was a P166 but now it runs like it's at least a P174). The first thing I notice was... how do I get the card in? I saw the slots in the back, but I couldn't shove the card through them. So I call Gateway and say "YOUR COMPUTER SUCKS, HOW DO I GET THE CARD IN?!?!?" and they tell me I have to take the cover off and put it in but I should probably have a "technical person" do it for me. I'm not DUMB, I can do it!!! Gateway people are so stupid, they should go bankrupt. I hate them. I will shoot them with my gun when I buy one. BUT I got the card in, and I turn on the computer and windows is SO STUPID and finds the card but asks for "drivers", so I say "what the FUCK????" and turn the power off. Then I turn the power back on, and windows is so stupid and asks again! I put in the CD into the drive (I read the instructions) and it does whatever the hell it does and then everything is ok, ok? So time to play QUake 2! I run quake 2 and it looks the SAME as before! What the FUCK???? So I call up ID software and they put me on some automated hold thing and I'm on there for like forever. So I call up Activision and the do the same! So I call up the ACtivision ordering phone number and they finally send me to talk to a lady who wants to know what I want to order from them! HA, NOTHING!!!! So I yell at her and say "Your stupid game Quake 2 is stupid and it sucks and you guys are shit!" and she just hangs up! The bitch! I will kill her next. So the DM DOESN'T work and if you buy it you are stupid. I took my card and threw it out.
Next card was the Creative Labs TnT. But the box says "GRAPHICS BLASTER"! I was ripped off! I hate Creative Labs now. But I got the card out of the box (the tape on it was very sticky though but I used a knife and cut the shit out of that box) and put it in my computer. DRIVERS again, thank you stupid Windows!!! I put in the CD and it went OK. While it was loading the drivers, I read the box and it said it supports "Opengl" and I don't know what that is, but I think it's a motherboard. So I figure I probably have Opengl, my motherboard is very good. So I go into Quake 2 and play, SAME OLD GRAPHICS. I was VERY angry at this point so I jumped onto the stupid Creative Labs newsgroup and wrote how STUPID creative labs is and then I posted the same message 100 times. And they can';t find out it was me because I put a FAKE REPLY ADDRESS on my message, HA HA!!! Anyway later when I was less angry I ran Quake 2 and hacked its filez and found an option for "Opengl" video.! That's what I want! So I run that and WOW!!! QUAKE 2 is now the BEST game in the world! There was the color red and blue! Instead of blocks everywhere, there were less blocks and more colors like red and blue. This card R00LZ! I played QQuake2 for 12 hours straight and won a lot of the maps except when stupid fagot fuker campers were on the map and fagot lpbs, they suck there mom's cocks. This card also has more RAM than the other card, which means it goes faster. I'm going to install more ram in it so it will go to 300 mGz. Here's some more information for you on how much this card R00LZ:
OK, now you probably want some STATISTICS, huh? Well, here's some stats I made when I ran bechmarks on my computer:
This is the performance on QUAKE 2 TIMECRUSHED DEMO everything had. As you can TELL, the Tnt was the best, running Quake 2 much better than ME playing it without the TNT. And the V2 was AWFUL, because it would even run, stupid piece of junk. The people who made that card are all idiots and I could make a better card and I'm not going to buy ANY 3DFFX cards because they're a stupid ripoff. My dog did better than the voodoo2 card, he stepped on the keyboard and it worked and he picked up a health pack, that was better than the voo2. OK, here is the next benchmark:
This chart shows how far I could throw each card, measured in length across the basement. As it is obvious, the TnT could be thrown almost the farthest, but it was beaten by a small rock I found. The rock flew farther, but it was lighter, so that is not fair. And the Vooodo 2 went far, but not that far, stupid card. The big rock lost, it didn;t go far at all. But the rocks were free, and that STUPID voodo2 card wasn't, so the rocks are a much better deal.
SO, as you can SEE, the bestest card on the market is clearly the RIVA TINT, because it works and the stupid other one doesnt'. If you don't bvuy a Creative Labs TNT card, you aree dumb and probably suck your moms' cock. you stupid lpb and you probably cheat and use ZBOT. I look forward to killing you with my new card on Quake 2, I will now beat you and all the other fagots and my NEW CLAN 40 Ounce will be the best. So if you want to try and join my new clan 40 Ounce (you will have to tryout!) (and you will loose), or you want to ask me questions about my review (NO DUMB QUSETIONS), write me an email.
-JEFF K. (aka |<R3/\/\! 311\</4)
HERE IS MY SITE! CLICK HERE FAGOT!!!