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The
Booze Avenger's hand-crafted "Armour of Trash
+5" failed to protect him from the hockey stick
I slammed into his sagging gut before heaving
his useless carcass through the highest window
in the building. I'm just thankful that his grease-encrusted
face was hidden by the cardboard box jammed over
his head. Come to think of it, maybe his parents
did it deliberately.
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Tony
Cottrell has been legally barred from approaching
within 100 yards of anyone who is even slightly
good-looking in case the deep-sea horror he calls
his face acts as an "intense ugly vortex". I don't
know what the fuck he's doing in this picture.
I think he's trying to cook a bicycle.
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Appleton
City's own new boy band sensation, "Dork Squad",
shortly before I swung a fire extinguisher at
their fat heads and they ran away screaming like
the fucking pussies they are. The misshapen meat-bulk
in the centre is Jerry Lawson, the grandson of
that draft-dodging creep Henry Lawson who is so
fucking pathetic that even his dog refuses to
be seen with him in public. One time I stole $100
from Henry when he was outside and left his front
door unlocked, which makes it legal for me to
go in and take whatever the hell I want. Also
I can legally throw his haggard old wife down
a flight of stairs too.
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Scientific
tests have proved that Melvin Harman is genetically
closer to a gulper eel than a human. Needless
to say, that isn't the only reason he ought to
be dropped in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
I think I might have already made fun of this
jackass's picture. If I did, tough shit for him
I guess.
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I
don't know what in the blazing fuck this thing
is. I think it might be a space witch. One time
I went down to the bakery and asked if they had
any upside-down pastries and the staff goon said
"yes, we sure do" so I said "WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE
BEEN MORE CAREFUL THEN!!" Fucking funniest shit
ever. Then I stole a pie. The pie tasted like
shit. Don't ever shop there. I forget what the
bakery's name was, but if you see it, DON'T SHOP
THERE.
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Appleton City's only full-time psychiatrist,
Mad Doc Gunterman. He's developed and perfected
many world-famous techniques, most of which
involve sitting on the patient's head or holding
a running chainsaw half an inch in front of
their face for 48 hours. Last week I saw some
shitfag limping out of the clinic with a pickaxe
handle tied to his skull. Whatever it was, it
probably served him right.
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